Sometimes I Don’t Know

This past fortnight there have been a surplus of inconceivable tragedies among people we Love and admire.


I am white knuckle praying for friends who are waiting to hear back on their five year old daughter’s biopsy.  I am speechless and clueless how best to help a kindred spirit as he holds a bedside vigil next to his soulmate.  They are the real deal, no less than Grumpy and I, and nobody knows if she will ever wake up and what life will be like if she does.

There’s more than enough trial and tragedy swirling around to fill several blogs, and I’ll spare you a list, but I wanted to talk about it because that’s what I do.  I also overshare with visuals, and right now I am feeling sad and vulnerable and lucky me, I was scrolling through looking for a picture of our roadster to send to my friend Danielle and I came across a prime example selfie to illustrate.

Sad and vulnerable without my usual inch thick makeup.  Always relish an opportunity to share the other side with people, and not just the highlights reel, because LIFE IS NOT A HIGHLIGHTS FUCKING REEL!

Sometimes, when shitty things happen, people cause irreparable hurt by trying to say the right thing.  I am absolutely guilty of this I have no doubt.  But I Love people… and I actually physically hurt for them when tragedy strikes.

No two people will need or want the same thing when they are kicked in the fucking head by tragedy or blindsided by life altering events.

I read a beautiful blog on a friend’s wall once.  She’s an intelligent young woman, caring for her mother with dementia.  She still finds time to Love and support all who are blessed enough to cross her path.  I think about this blog when the shit hits the fan for someone I Love, and seeing as I genuinely Love a tonne of people, I’m given plenty of opportunity to put it to use.

Here’s the thing.  Sometimes, there is just no reason for shitty things happening.  Saying there is kind of a dick move IMHO.  Stealing their thunder or saying you know how they feel, or forcing your spiritual beliefs hoping to help, robs the people struggling through the fucking trenches of life the right to be angry, to grieve, and to handle the situation however the fuck they need to.

So, today, I have to say the only thing I definitely know, is that I just don’t fucking know much.  I don’t know why good people get tested while sociopathic pricks sometimes seem to drift through life unscathed.  I do not know why sometimes it feels like you can handle anything and life is beautiful, and then there are days when you are forced to question everything that falls on your lap.  I do not know why cancer.  I do not know why poverty.  I do not know why greed.  I do not know why corruption.  I don’t know why rape.  I don’t know why misogyny. I don’t know why bullies. I do not know why so fucking much.

I do know this:

The sun will rise each day, if you are ready for it or want it to or not.

There will be moments of joy and pain.  There will be a lot of filler and waiting and hoping and nothing much at all going on.  And then there will be times when we are given a chance to do great things in a moment or with your whole fucking life.

Things will happen that make your heart want to jump out of your fucking chest and sing THE HILLS ARE ALIVE from some lofty Austrian mountain meadow.

And there will be times when you simply won’t want to breath another breath.

But we have to be here for all of it.

Love and strength to those of you shovelling through serious shit.  I have no idea what to say, or do, or how to help… but I promise I Love you and my heart breaks and my eyes won’t dry today thinking about you.

And to those of you having an upswing or feeling magic and joy… Embrace it, enjoy it and write it down somewhere if you can, because the joyful feeling will always come back, even if you are afraid you might never feel it again.

Have a good weekend.  And THANK YOU for reading.  I haven’t written for pleasure in weeks and I really needed to get this stuff out.