When A Born Communicator Has Gone Quiet

After being the Director, Editor, Executive Producer and Starring Role in my own painfully public nervous breakdown (and the sequel Dee’s Behemoth Breakdown V.2.0), I decided to (or was forced to) take a colossal amount of quiet time.  

Nearly two years into meticulously observed and strictly imposed safety and warmth of the chrysalis that has been created for me to heal in, I have hit a wall. Upon reflection, on balance it has been, brilliant…


And doesn’t there always seem to be “however”.  Many, perhaps most of life’s learnings seem to be wrapped in ribbons of “however” and the simplest and clearest accounts and content are actually sometimes the background and “however” is the subject.

So, life’s been safe and serene and simple for quite some time.  Allowing assholes, agendas and vampires to steer my boat has all but ended.  Assuaging guilt and shame by embracing some ridiculous messiah complex has taken a back seat to self-care and reflection.  Busy has been bounced from the venue of my life and rather than a booze fueled rave or being securely strapped tight to a roller coaster I never really understood or felt in control of, I am recently feeling sorta stranded.  It feels lately like an incredibly boring health and wellness retreat.  Or a waiting room.  With calming guided meditations and Enya music playing in the background.

I mean, booze fueled ranting and raving and manic screaming into the abyss while on some terrifying rollercoaster doesn’t interest me in the slightest… It didn’t even while that was the scene I manufactured. To be fair, I am plagued by the fallout from being on that wild ride for so long, but somehow I feel out of sorts and adrift.

There was a genuine comfort in being an oversharing hot mess.  I felt comfortable in the role.  Like I was meant to be the warning to others so they could watch from the safety of their vantage points and shake their heads think “whoa, at least I’m not quite as fucking out there as that Dee…” and save themselves some level of self-loathing as I’d busy myself rolling down the cliff of self-destruction.  I felt seen.  Terrified, vulnerable and lonely but also… helpful?  Authentic?  Sincere?  Noticed.

After landing with a mighty thud (twice) at the bottom of that cliff and being safe in a proverbial padded suite in some metaphorical five star resort where my absolute cunt of a mother can’t derail me and people who have not proved their salt as steadfast and supportive friends aren’t even allowed access to the lobby has been pretty fucking sweet actually.

So why am I so angry?  Why am I so sad?  Not depressed… not stressed.  Just… pissed off.

Here’s what I reckon triggered this.

  • Seemingly inconsequential teenage tantrum as I asked for a coffee (it wasn’t the coffee, it was grace I was pleading for)
  • Sharing a very sweet and uplifting memory from 9 years ago on a page I admin for that got virtually no traction, while the whole admin team has to manage trolls and flame wars on that same page daily… I mean honestly, WTF!
  • Limbo (waiting for things to be finalized and the future to start unfolding)
  • Hope being tested. The world is again (still) in a terrifying state of being simultaneously on fire and under water. Climate change deniers, anti-vaxers and lockdown protestors have taken to the streets
  • White privilege guilt. It’s heavy and while mostly I choose to manage it by trying to be a decent and active advocate for justice and change… a couple of spoiled middle-aged billionaires burned up countless tons of kerosine to jack themselves off racing into space…

Holy shit. There’s heaps there. And my heart is heavy with so much more. I’ll spare you and move this blog closer to its wrap though.

But I feel better.  Just writing it down.  Writing it down and thinking maybe someone somewhere is going to read it and glean some comfort or wisdom that’s only made possible by me being the hot mess that I have been subverting for some time.  I feel better thinking someone might be pissed off or triggered by my rage and maybe think about who they are and what they can and should be doing to make the world better not worse.

I am in a safe, Loving, healthy and communicative relationship with both my former and future husbands. I make (mostly) good decisions and am the kick ass consistent and impressive kind of parent I was too strangled, neglected, and gaslighted to be with my asshole mother telling me I was crazy and useless and sabotaging every imaginable aspect of my life she could get her fat lazy fingers on. I am healthy. I am safe. I am brave. I am surrounded by Love and support in a way my traumatized inner child could never possibly have imagined.

However… I have been keeping it all to myself.  

My fiancé and b’ness partner for the next chapter in my narrative is a distinctly private, aloof and stoic creature. He equal parts struggles and admires my desire to shout and share and connect with people and situations. He rarely makes rash decisions and almost never looks the fool. His ability to be bubbling over internally and appear to be the king of calm to the untrained eye is staggering and I respect and admire it. I’ve learned a shitload about making decisions in a state of calm and acknowledging when the ego takes over. He’s caught the brunt of my wrath and juggled full time work, sorting our lives and future, keeping my divorce and our farm on track and every day… I MEAN EVERY fucking day… he holds my face in his hands and tells me I am beautiful and he Loves and appreciates me. Often through tear filled crystal blue eyes shining from his ridiculously handsome face.

Seriously.  Who wouldn’t be pissed-off am-I-right!  

Clearly I jest.  He saved my fucking life.  He gets along with my ex, the kids adore him, and he champions every part of my chaotic being.  All this as he balances his own deep-seated desire for anonymity with my almost manic desire to share, feel, hear, be, say and do things loudly and with reckless abandon.

He followed my journey for years from a distance, and cringed and cried along with everyone else at my frequent blogs and my journey into madness.  He was only romantically interested in me some time after his relationship dissolved, it was a picture of me in a cosplay corset that tipped him into romantic curiosity.  Now he’s poised on the precipice of our nuptials and for the most part he’s pleasantly surprised that my chaos and crazy is actually quite manageable as I’m self-aware and only a fraction as fucked up as I may have portrayed myself.


(Here comes the denouement)

However.  I need to reach out and I need to write.  I need to be seen.  I’ve been protecting myself and everyone else for fear of offending or opening up old wounds.

But I have so missed it.

I think you’ll be hearing from me more often.

Dating can be Frustrating…

Holy shit the dating data that comes in from my tribe leaves me staring blankly at my screen muttering “what the actual fuck…” with alarming frequency.

One of the kindest, coolest, calmest, wittiest and most beautiful women you’re ever going to meet just posted on her story that some bullshit storm of truly sad and pathetic human messaged her saying:

My beautiful friend 🤩🥰

“I’ve started talking to someone prettier than you, so I am going to chase her now.”

What a very special flavour of despicable that dipshit clearly is. This woman lost her truest, smartest, kindest and most wonderful soulmate to cancer a few years ago and it has taken incredible courage for her gentle and tender heart to heal up enough to get back in the ring. I am absolutely fucking fuming just thinking that there are people this terrible, but also incredibly pleased she’s clearly dodged a bullet. What. An. Asshole.

Clearly, I wrote to her that very moment I read it, reminding her she is a beyond beautiful and a powerful goddess and I Love her very much. But oof it felt like someone punched me in the heart reading that and remembering being in the occasionally terrifying trenches of tinder or the drifts and doldrums of chats and then dates. Strangely, I pine for parts of the delirious dance since settling down in a magnificently monogamous relationship. Then I re-calibrate my remembering machine (brain) and I remember more clearly the clusterfucks and chaos. Some of which changed me forever in unimaginably great ways, and some were just plain awful and left somebody (sometimes me, sometimes them) crying for days.

My partner and I did not meet online, we had known each other through sustainability circles and mutual friends for close to a decade, and lucky for my undeniably crazy ass he is a very patient man and sat squarely on the sidelines for a few years after he found himself single again.  One rather unremarkable Wednesday evening found him in my house and it wasn’t too many months after that August evening he moved in and never left.  

We can’t swap stories of our online dating adventures, he has no stories and would rather not hear about my adventures.  That’s fair, but sometimes I worry he might have missed out.   He vehemently disagrees.  

So, if you are like so many people who have found themselves single, recently or for some stretch of time, can I please share a few learnings from dating disasters and delights?  It’s a snake pit out there, but there are lovely, kind, wonderful not snake like individuals navigating dating just like you, and seeking something much more sacred than a one night stand.  Or, maybe not.  You gotta decide what you’re looking for and manifest that shit like a boss… I loved and hated dating so much.  Here is just a handful of hints to helping protect your heart and save you some precious time.

  1. Instincts

You have them, we all do.  Hear them!  If you feel something is not quite right, remove yourself from the situation and stay gone.  If you’re feeling like you’re vibing, check in with the other.  Even this can still be dangerous territory as you will absolutely happen across players and narcissists who say what they think you want to hear to get into the proximity they wanna be (in your pants).  Take your time whatever you do and don’t let anyone know where you live or work until you have done enough mutual background checking and you feel safe to do so.  

If you’re just looking for some light distraction and entertainment and your spidey sense starts tingling that the person you’re chatting with might be angling for more, you gotta check that before you wreck them.  

Instincts.  We all got ‘em.  Listen and act accordingly.

  • Meet first in crowded and safe public place

Clearly most people know the drill here.  You must do face to face meet and greet before venturing beyond the digital realm, and please ALWAYS meet in a neutral, well lit, and preferably crowded location before seeing someone in private.  Terrifically trendy coffee shops or cafes with great outdoor seating are an ideal place to scope out the talent.  

  • Be honest

Whenever you are with anyone, and for however long you spend dating, you will save yourself and others a lot of heartache and frustration if you are clear and concise from the very beginning.  Be honest with yourself and those you meet about what you are looking for and your expectations.  If you want a relationship, say so.  If you aren’t ready, let people know.  You’ll need to check in with some regularity if you are dating someone often or for extended lengths of time.  Situations and feeling change, keep ahead of confusion by having regular check ins on where you are both at and how you are both feeling.

  • Have fun

I highly recommend you venture into the realm of dating with the understanding it’s a numbers game, like most things.  You will not meet your perfect match immediately no matter how much you’ve manifested it, and feelings very rarely flow freely and equally in both directions.  I would strongly implore you to look at the whole thing lightly, and hope you meet a friend or two and learn a lot about other people.  Mostly though, you gotta get out there and try stuff so you can learn more about you!  You are so infinitely and powerfully important and worthy of respect and Love.  I have made some genuinely wonderful friends on dating adventures.  Clearly, some of which became more than friends for a reason or a season, some of them we lacked the spark or opportunity, but I check in with a handful of them and many are happily coupled now while some are keenly enjoying their singledom in perpetuity as I knew they were destined to do.  

  • Walk when it’s done

I had, and occasionally continue to have difficulty with this one.  I said earlier that feelings don’t always flow equally in both directions, well, I’ve been guilty of not being able to take a hint and carrying on contacting a few former “friends” when it served neither of us to do so.  Going back to the very first point I made, your instinct will let you know if a situation is safe or if it is shitty, so listen to that gut.  And ffs make a blanket rule NO DRUNK TEXTING regardless of the situation because that is just nasty and you gonna feel a fool when that bottle of Sauv works it way through your system and you read back. Eat a cracker and stop.  Do NOT chase people.  Move on and be strong like the fierce fiery creature of creativity and kindness you are destined to be.    

  • Love YOU because YOU are magnificent

You are beautiful, perfect, funny, feisty, fabulous and absolutely wonderful in the eyes of a soulmate or kindred friends you will meet in this life. There will be those who are able to see you for the beautiful you that you are, and there will be blind idiots who completely miss the point.  That’s fine, they don’t deserve your magic anyway!  Don’t get yourself out there and online until you truly know this shit.  Seriously, if you are looking for validation this is not the place to find it.  Also, make sure you have the Love and support of some seriously sturdy friends who will hug you when your heart hurts and listen to your adventures in dating and laugh loud and long at the misses and high five you when you hit some lofty heights.  Not every catch up will create sparks, and not everyone is going to call you back.  That’s cool, you don’t need dipshits in your life, so if you are hoping for something that doesn’t happen, just do your hair toss and check those nails because soon enough you’ll be back to feeling good as hell.  

There’s a lot more advice I could/would give you but I gotta head out to dinner and then back to scrub more grout to get my sweetheart’s house ready for sale.  Plan to be in bed before 9:30 like most evenings since my last messy breakdown.  Life’s a piece of shit sometimes, and we all have to pick ourselves up and brush ourselves off and keep going.  But only when you’re ready!  Don’t give up on you, you can totally give up on dating, but you are absolutely perfect, and nobody really knows how, where or when the right people will see that perfection, but it will happen and it could last a magical moment or the rest of your life.  With or without a partner, you gotta know that you are a fucking absolute star, I know that you are.  So, there’s my dating blog.  

Thanks for Reading.

Ps. Love you Em, fuck that guy he was a total dickhead you’re much better off.

Spreading Kindness Shedding BS

Optimism is contagious; as is joy, laughter, community, collaboration, kindness (there’s even a documentary on contagious compassion and kindness)… I challenge you to flash a broad and authentic smile at even the most surly looking stranger and not see a light go on in them. As true as this all is, the stark reality remains, that negativity, pessimism, doubt and (possibly most dangerously) fear are also contagious. The forces of good and evil are engaged in a constant dance within and around each and every one of us, and processing that has genuinely left me almost completely incapacitated. It is likely that there’s a few more of us out there trying to figure out the world and their place in it, and feeling a bit burned out or overwhelmed in the process.

Eldest and youngest kids cuddling our rescue dog 🐕 Pickles who is instinctively kind… and needy… and lovely ☺️

This journey is exhausting at the best of times, and this particular blip on the time space continuum really can’t be diagnosed as a universal high point for humanity. Probably safe to say that almost none of us have been left unchanged by the changes and challenges introduced through the pandemic and any number of local, regional and international issues that have unfolded in recent history. There are bits of beauty, and strange serendipitous events surfacing through the fog that would never have been given the bandwidth to begin, let alone thrive, without all the chaos and confusion. Let’s focus today on identifying and honouring the things we can manage and/or control, and actively asking the things that distract us or detract from our growth and journey to fuck all the way off.

It’s okay if we force ourselves to take a breath, relax, and centre for as long as we need to. And what better time to do this and practice radical self-care than the actual end of the world as we know it? We are in the midst of a painful rebirth/transition made absolutely necessary because of the greed and short sightedness of countless actors on the stage of the industrial revolution. We fucked shit up. All of us. Seriously. Go ahead and disagree with me, it doesn’t make this observation any less true.

Picture of sone legit beautiful lotus flowers because it’s my fucking blog and the lotus is packed with meaning and metaphor. Boom 💥

There’s a lot of work ahead of each and every individual keen to rebuild better and embrace unthinkable possibilities like clean energy, sustainability, peace, creativity, community, and safety and justice for all. With so much out of our control, maybe it’s time we focused on the things we can manage and audaciously identify and eject or reject the things you cannot. As simple as it sounds, I think you might find the pursuit of this balance is rather a lot. Ouch, look as I lean in and fall toward strained and awkward rhyme. Do it every time. Ba dum pscchht.

Okay… So.  Catching and spreading good feels and blocking or protecting ourselves and others from negativity and falling into patterns of blame, ignorance, arrogance, excuses, finger pointing, fear and generally damaging fuckery.  Let’s do this.

In the spirit of lazy but (hopefully) interesting journalism/slacktivism, let me impart a list of suggestions, based predominantly on my own opinions, but delivered to you in a format that makes it look ever so slightly and annoyingly official and well researched.  Ready?  Let’s do this!

  1. Ask and Share

You are the youest you that ever there was or ever will be.  You are also privy to a plethora of possessions and expressions and blessings (both tangible and metaphorical) that the world craves and needs.  Share your knowledge.  Share your gifts.  Share your resources.  Share your experiences.  And be brave enough to ask clearly for things when and if you need them.  Asking for things is a huge hurdle for empaths and creatures of kindness.  Fear of rejection or concern you may be inconveniencing someone often makes asking even harder than saying no to things.  Being on the giving or receiving end of no is an integral part of this process, as no is a gift from you and to you as without a reasonable level of no in life, there’s no room for heartfelt, brave and passionate yes to exist.  If that didn’t make sense, may I suggest you read it again until you understand it.  No makes space for yes.  Saying no can show you care, for yourself and others.


When you are amplifying or sharing information through any medium, please remember to test the veracity and usefulness of your narrative with:

Is it TRUE?




And last, but absolutely not least… is what you are about to say or do KIND???

If not, maybe just don’t.  Eat a cracker and stop.

  • Shut Down/Recharge

Oh I have lost count of those of you who are spread so thin by life and things in and out of your control that you are coasting on little more than caffeine, convictions and adrenaline. HEAR ME NOW! Stop. Just fucking stop. Find a thing that brings you joy, shut everything else out and do that thing for enough time that you start to recharge your beleaguered batteries.

  • Burrito

There comes a time in all our lives when the only reasonable and responsible thing to do is curl up in a blanket. Crying is optional but I find it incredibly cathartic and cleansing while I resort to burrito stasis. Burrito time can absolutely include bingeing on actual burritos, shitty TV, books, or music. I’d caution you to avoid the Internet for the duration of your burrito adventure, as detoxing from socials while in your burrito will help you to come back and be extra contagious earlier and more effectively than if you resort to scrolling while snuggled in your blanket.

I’ve been crying 😭 in my burrito all day today and this kind motherfucker has been characteristically lovely to me
  • Forgive

This is so important.  Just reading the word kicks something quite visceral in my gut into action.  Quite often the hardest person to forgive is yourself.  And hanging on to blame or anger toward anyone just hurts you and gives them space in your beautiful heart and head.  So forgive yourself.  Forgive others.  Move on and if someone is proper toxic block that fucking noise from your life and keep fucking moving forward.  Being unincumbered by the weight of shame, blame, regret and excuses makes you yummy and interesting.  Being a negative, gossipy, bitchy asshole makes people wanna go hang out with someone lighter who forgives and forges ahead (more on that next).

  • Forge Ahead

Inertia is a seriously powerful force, as is propulsion.  No matter how fast or slow you move, the direction and the continued directional force toward whatever goals you are chasing is the formula to success.  Take a break.  But get back up and keep going when you feel safe and ready to do so.  

  • Pick a Pace

Don’t be a fucking hero. If you are going hell for leather all the time it is absolutely inevitable you’ll end up a puddle at some point. There will be sharp, short bursts of energy and activity that you’ll need to observe, respect and get through… but then you sure as shit better stop and recharge. Nobody can go hard all the time without breaking themselves and setting dangerous and unrealistic standards for those around them. Pick a pace or you’ll never finish the race.

This was me a few years ago… just a squeak over 50kg, broken marriage, exhausted, desperately lonely and lost, working 12 hour days then crawling into a bottle of red wine… all the time putting highlights all over social media so people thought I had my shit together. Ffs 🤦🏻‍♀️ why do we do this.
  • Be Curious

When you really understand that we are always learning and there’s so much more to know and show and so many ways for us to grow, that’s where the magic of curiosity kicks in and it is contagious as anything we have covered today.  Seek knowledge.  Get excited when you are clearly (and kindly with respect) proved wrong or questioned or challenged.  Try new things.  Go new places.  Stop making excuses and start making creative and expansive mistakes and magical triumphs.  None of that happens without curiosity.  When we stop being curious we atrophy and our light dims until we find something to stoke the fire again.  

  • Be and Receive Kindness

I don’t know if this is the fifth, fiftieth or five hundredth meandering search for meaning you have read from my broken but eternally hopeful heart.  Trust me when I say that I know that YOU know when you are being kind, and you also know when you are being an asshole.  Don’t be an asshole.  Find ways and means to be kind to people, even if and when they don’t deserve it.  Smile at a stranger when you feel like crying, but cry when you need to.  Seek the kindness and comfort of true friends who celebrate you and want to see you evolve and succeed.  Tell the fucking truth, to yourself and others.  Tell it with kindness though (I say this because I can be incredibly obnoxious and direct, and you can say the same thing in a different way and show much more respect).  Let people Love you and protect and respect your boundaries and theirs.  You know when you are being kind, so fucking make a huge effort to do it because that shit is proper contagious and the world needs more of it.

The human condition is a rollercoaster even for the most sublimely spiritually evolved beings.  For the rest of us who aren’t so incredibly evolved, it is so often frustrating, confounding, confronting and exhausting.  Know that how you speak, act and are will affect people around you.  Energy you share and spend leaves you and then it is more or less out of your control who picks it up or how, so try and make that energy positive or inspiring rather than negative and exhausting.  Failing your ability to be a ray of fucking sunshine all the time, please demand of yourself some down time to recharge so you can come back and kick some ass with your sparkle and kindness.  Thanks. 

Where’s Your Head At?

Woof. How you doing? We are on the home stretch toward the end of a rather harrowing year, so I thought I’d take minute to drop a few lines on the screen and check in with you.

My long suffering sweetheart and I hamming it up at dinner with the kids last week

School holidays was a lot for those of us who embarked on the dizzying and chaotic journey of parenthood. The uncertainty and pace of change has been tough for the kids, and different family cultures seem to be managing things very differently.

Our family choose laughter and a lot of somewhat nihilistic truth bombs. The kids and their friends are feeling the energy of precariousness and change as it is all around them. I won’t lie and tell them everything is going to be okay. Nobody knows what is next. The only thing we actually have any control over is how we choose to act and react to things. Reacting with grace and bravery seems to come quite naturally to these quirky kids though so that’s good. I don’t have many answers, and I suspect their parents and teachers are equally at a loss when it comes to offering helpful advice or guidance in these very strange times. All I can provide is a safe and consistent place for them to air their concerns, as we set aside our daily sacred journey to and from school where nobody has to be brave or stoic. We just jostle over who gets control of the playlist and everyone gets a turn to air things that may be of concern to them that day or in general. Laughter is our therapy on the school run, and it is a safe place for all of us and the soundtrack changes daily.

Driving the kids around in LOLGAS is a huge part of my life journey atm.

The Election. We voted over the weekend, and my only observation is probably: “What. The. Actual. Fuck.” My faith in democracy has been shaken an awful lot in recent months, but I am quietly optimistic that NZ is going to continue on a trajectory or hope and sustainability. We aren’t perfect, but my tribe and I feel absolutely blessed to be safe and sound here on these shaky but unquestionably safer-than-most-places-on-earth-right-now isles.

Has anyone else noticed there’s a plethora of divorce and separation hovering around in the world lately? This could well be an acute case of Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon, as my own long-overdue divorce seems to be dragging on and on and the uncertainty is quite frankly paralysing. I am certainly not the first, won’t be the last to be on this journey. Hugs to anyone else floating around in the process or the aftermath.

Social anxiety. Not sure where you’re at as it seems some people have loved some seclusion and others have struggled with isolation and feelings of loneliness or being trapped in bad or joyless situations in their bubble. I carry a lot of mixed feelings as the pandemic gave me an opportunity to get off an incredibly painful roller-coaster of busyness and seeking validation. I Loved, trusted, and supported too many, too often, too easily, and too much and struggled with boundaries for years. My last breakdown came about the same time as Covid, and was the perfect opportunity to say: “Fuck this shit I’m out.” to the vast majority of, well, everything. It’s a privileged position indeed to have that option. The reality for far too many people all over the world is that they are incredibly vulnerable to the changes thrust upon us all. It’d be callous and crass of me to force my ideologies of seclusion, self-sufficiency and growth on anyone as not everyone is privy to the same options as me. To be quite frank that seems to be the problem. Inequality and struggles are not fairly distributed among us in this life. The conflict and conundrum of being comfortable, white-privileged, and socially conscientious is and was a constant internal battle. I’m not certain of many things, and don’t have any solid answers for myself, the kids, or anyone else, but I do strongly believe positions of privilege come with a responsibility to give a fuck about social and environmental issues. How any person goes about being the change they want to see in the world without being chewed up and spat out by opportunists and assholes is a bit of a mystery to me personally at this time. So in my safe bubble surrounded only by the very small tribe I allow near me is where I’ll be for the foreseeable future. Wherever you are I wish you joy and comfort and safety on your journey, especially if you are brave enough to be fighting the good fight and making yourself vulnerable in the process. And, if you are just hiding in your bathrobe putting on a few extra pounds and healing from a rough ride up until this point, that’s actually fine too. Be kind to yourself and surround yourself with kindness from others. We are all just trying to figure this shit out.

The media. Oof. The fucking media. It’s not what it was and we’re sent down some serious rabbit holes as we scroll through the abyss. There’s echo chambers and trolls and fake news OH MY! I implore you to turn it off from time to time, and take those you love offline as well. Our best option, whether we have chosen the red or the blue pill, is just to focus on what we can manage and being amazing in little and real ways by smiling at strangers, offering a kind word, checking in with someone, planting things, fixing things, or whatever it is that brings you joy, well, that’s our best hope now and was leading up to where we sit on this surreal timeline today. Be a good person. You know when you are, and it feels pretty good to honour that so get out there and feel free to get a little smug if you’re getting your grace on out there IRL.

There’s more I wanted to yarn with you about, but I am growing weary of waffling and I suspect my full-on train of thought style of blabbery jabber might be tiring you out a bit too after this collection of thoughts and tangents.

Wherever your head is at, be gentle with yourself. You’ve been through a lot. We all have. Kia Kaha.

Thank you for reading.

Bubble Bop

Bubble Bop

There is no correct way to be feeling as we are faced with the arguably inevitable second wave of Covid in New Zealand.

There’s been some new emotions on my own radar in the last 72 hours.  I’ve coined some of these:

  • Shangryired – this one is a mix of shame, anger, hunger, and tired.  Shame because we are in an inarguably comfortable position and I actually relish lockdown with my bubble despite missing out on the freedom and adventures of level one.  Angry because Cov-Idiots are out there protesting the use of masks and the neccessity of lockdown rather than just hunkering down and being graceful, isolated, patient and kind. Hungry because I do not drink much at all these days (win!), nor sneak that many ciggies (ultra-win!) so I eat.  Oh boy do I eat.  And my tastebuds light up like never before since giving up smoking almost entirely.  Tired… well, the day starts and ends in pjs so it’s a fairly reasonable state since I am dressed for rest.
  • Schornyanxious – a mix of scared, little bit horny, and anxious.  This is not Damon’s least favourite mix as we eat toast and snuggle and sometimes even snog while watching Star Trek (Roddenberry franchise has been an emotional and cognitive anesthetic to life’s ills and spills my whole life)
  • Netflixatiqued – sick of scrolling through netflix and feeling exasperated and fatigued at the idea of getting emotionally invested in a new show so I tend to just lean on my old friends Colombo, Star Trek, Golden Girls, and of course everyone’s favourite series the 1pm briefing.  I need to take a moment to say I am absolutely ecstatic about the plot twist of having a competent and charismatic new leading role with the arrival of Chris Hipkins.  I like this new series a lot more than I did with smuggy mcsmuggerton hypocrite character guy who was written off that show.  Win.

There’s other emotions too of course. I haven’t taken the time to name them but they are there.

I’m side stepping social media for the rest of the day after posting this as we plan how we will manage the next few weeks if the lockdown extends as we are already certain it will.  We’ve mapped a fortnight that will see our kids moving freely between their father’s house and Matakana where we are heading as it is in the Auckland region and now has Internet, so Damon and the children will be able to work and attend school and nobody has to drive to the end of the road to get cellphone reception anymore.  We will click and collect gardening supplies as the window for us planting our hundreds of seedlings and baby trees is fast closing as spring approaches.  

Bopping around in my bubble has been confronting and comforting. I have signed out of society in a big way, and the vast and varied varieties I once sought some sense of validation through are just NOT as important as they once were.

Some people have been forced to change trajectory, other’s have had the luxury of deciding to slow down and retire early or work fewer hours and spend more time in their gardens and kitchens in pursuit of a the previousy unforeseen satisfaction that comes from increased self-sufficiency. Some have even found purpose when once they were searching for meaning.

I know that there are some of you reading this who find lockdowns and changes painful, unnerving, uncertain and perhaps lonely or isolating.  There’s nothing useful for me to offer, no twee advice or comforting calls to actions.  The fact is, this is a time of great change and incredible uncertainty and nobody knows how things are going to land.  Drop me a line if you need to talk.  You run the risk of me being obnoxious or saying the wrong thing, because I can be a fucking nightmare sometimes, especially when my heart hurts and I want to help and don’t know how.

My bubble bop is a simple dance in the direction of simplicity and self-sufficiency.  I am grateful to be a Covid couple as I am rather certain my relationship would not have survived the first year if we hadn’t been forced together for months on end.  We are a team now, and I know that plenty of people are not in such idyllic social or romantic situations.  

I implore you to take very good care of yourself through this our second wave, and look ahead to a future that might very well be a lot simpler and very different to the plans you had before 2020 kicked all of our asses.  

Good luck with your bubble bop.  Try to find things that make you feel safe and joyous, and it’s okay to feel afraid and angry too, just don’t let the bad stuff win.

Thanks for reading.

Lime Chutney and Wahine Toa

Last night we made curries and had our first official couple hosted dinner party.  

My ex husband and (I hope) BFF Phteven even joined us and I brought a plate over to mother in law next door.  

My partner and husband (ex in October as our official and long overdue separation will be two years old that month) could not be more different in most ways. In very important, the most important ways they are similar or the same though. They are both excellent, kind, intelligent human beings who make me laugh and are (mostly) incredibly honest with me and themselves.  Love them and love the ease with which they share space.

So the evening was, in no small part, engineered to show off our lime chutney to four of my partner’s friends.  Unbeknownst to him, every one of our guests already knew each other.  Rather well apparently as there were work and family connections and the two high school science (physics and biology) teachers had known each other since one had done her practicum teaching gig.  Just saying, New Zealand is small.  Really small.  Really small and really wonderful and I Love this country so much it moves me to tears daily.

Back to our sassy lime pickle…

So I am seriously impressed with our combined skills in the kitchen, it has some bite and we adjusted the recipe with what I believe are STUNNING results.  We made it from limes out of the orchard that was planted when our 6-year-old son was born.  It is all fenced in now and we have a flock of chickens who are much loved. My curmudgeon of a mother in law, and absolutely one of the best friends I have ever or will ever have is the main caretaker of these girls.  And she is the keeper and distributor of the eggs while I am just the cleaner of the coop and mite treatment giver. In the several years of having these feathered ladies share our leafy acre of land, we have lost two baby chicks one teenager and two beloved mature bantams.  Loving and loss hurts.  A lot. 

Last night was so great.  Less than an hour in I loudly (I do most things loudly) announced how terrified of people I have been for a long while now, and how nice it was to welcome kind, interesting, honest and powerful people into our home and then not have to work too hard and just be the loud, sweary, caring mess that I am.  This was the second session of entertaining anyone who is not family since lockdown ended and we are going to be hosting these dinners every month with only between 2 and 4 guests, so we can easily and comfortably engage with everyone sharing our roof and our table.  The first went equally well, but Damon was at his board meeting and didn’t arrive home until late.  So this was our first time hosting as a couple.  I said that?  Yes I did.  It’s a milestone though and I promised I would write at least 500 words a day every single fucking day, so this is the brain vomit of the moment, and I am going to post it raw and unedited because there will be a time and a place for slick, clean, well-crafted words. 

This is just spit balling to see if I still got it.  The ability to write that is…

Back to the breakdown of our dinner party:

Everyone arrived very near 5pm and were gone before 9.  Laughter volumes were high and awkwardness was very low.  Our teenage son Daniel sat at the “grown up table” and articulately held his own with humour, insight and humility.  

How he came out of my body remains one of life’s great mysteries.  All our kids are incredible and watching them in action as they teeter on the precipice of adulthood is a strange and wonderful thing.

There’s a lot in the heavens and on this earth that I don’t understand, but sure as shit appreciate with a sense of gratitude and wonder.

I certainly don’t know why there are so many fascist leaders and terrified angry people in the world right now.  And I don’t know what makes some people so brave in times like these, or at any time.  Brave enough to stand up and say:  “This shit is NOT acceptable” when they see suffering and injustice.  Brave enough to listen, to learn, and to not need to be right or better, but to be gracious and curious instead.  

And I have no idea why I have to cope with so many fucking idiots.  Particularly scared, cowardly, arrogant middle aged white idots parading around being annoying sealions. I learned the term from someone who is brave and most certainly NOT an idiot last night, sealion is an internet term for someone who thinks everyone thinks they are really smart, but in reality, they are insecure bullies who have no desire to be good people, they just want everyone to think they’re right.  Manipulative muppets who embarrass themselves and always have the fate of a getting hoisted by their own petard.

"hoist on his own petard. "

I don’t even celebrate the poetic justice of it anymore.  I just sit with gratitude in my own head and heart and feel blessed to have the life and tribe I do.  Any yes, I do feel sad for them. Not sad or moved enough to welcome them into my home or engage with them on any level, ever. Seriously, who has time for second chances or wasting time with people who have clearly and abundantly demonstrated they are dipshits, while the world is changing at a pace never before comprehended, let alone witnessed.

Our guests were the farthest thing from idiots or dipshits.  My partner said during our morning sway and snuggle time in the kitchen by the coffee machine, that there were going to be three Wahine toa (warrior women) at the table that night.  He was right.  These goddesses, along with all the others I know and Love are indeed brave warriors.  We aren’t violent and we do not brandish swords or shields.  Many of us use patience, charm, grace, wit, humour and intelligence as our are arsenal.  But we are engaged in battle, most days.

I will leave it there at the crest of a wave of observation that really is worth delving deeper into. 

I will leave it there because this is my domain.  A blank page filled with my thoughts and not requiring validation or a call to action.  Just happy to be writing.  It is the single most selfish and selfless thing I do and it is something I will do every day now, because I want to and I can.



Great balls of flaming what the actual fuck.

I am in LAX on the way home from what is almost certainly my last overseas trip for quite a long time.  In the space of two weeks the world has gone from the cutting edge of clusterfuckedness to quite clearly and comfortably a full-fledged pandemonium that was, already infamously, touted as a “hoax” by one who shall remain un-named in this blog because seriously. Fuck that guy.  I can’t even.

It’s difficult not to acknowledge how lucky, blessed, and full of trials and adventures this life has panned out for me.  Today, as I sneak in under the wire, symptom free (knock on wood) and quietly confident the response by the WHO and our absolute GODDESS of a leader Jacinda Ardern will curb this pandemic enough to ensure a safe and robust course through this global crisis.  Of all the times I have scraped through situations and felt nearly ashamed of my blind luck in remaining unscathed, I have to say, being born Canadian and living as a Kiwi for most of my life is today, the absolute luckiest situation I can imagine as I set course back to New Zealand to self-quarantine for 14 days.

We had made the decision after watching Manhattan empty out to a near ghost town to quarantine ourselves for a minimum of ten days upon returning home, despite some friends and family stating we were “just over-reacting” and should “keep calm and carry on”

So, here’s the thing about that.  People DO need to be calm and they DO need to carry on and exercise the absolute utmost of caution and respect for those around them, and that means everyone has to take this seriously or the virus will spread too far and too fast for healthcare systems to manage.

Here’s my take on this situation.  This. Shit. Just. Got. Real.

But history and life and narrative of this planet and, oh, I dunno… like SCIENCE gave us plenty of signs that something massive like this was not only possible but quite seriously probable.  It’s happened, the survival rate is WAY better than something quite terrifying like ebola, and we can slow the spread by being extra cautious and there’s no need to bitch and moan about it.

I will be bypassing seeing my kids completely when I land home in the island paradise I feel deeply and importantly in LOVE with in 1992, and I will be hauling my lucky little ass to our treehouse in Matakana and locking the fucking door and not seeing anyone face to face for 14 days.  Doing so because I love my friends, family and nation and after seeing the absolute chaos here in the USA and feeling quite decidedly sick at the prospect of the millions of working poor who will be seriously brought to their knees because they are used to working two or three jobs just to cover the cost of living without any hope of a vacation like the one I am returning from I am so glad we have a leader who is protecting us and making bold and quick decisions on the front lines of a war against an opponent we cannot see.

This is the moment to put our best foot forward.  The weeks and months ahead will see so many of our family and friends in NZ and around the globe in vulnerable situations.  This is an opportunity for kindness, cleanliness, calm and hope to shine.  There are so many people who are actively putting themselves on the front line in this global emergency, we all need to take it seriously and do anything we can and more to take this threat seriously and business as usual simply is not an option while we work to stop the spread.

Okay, so.

I’ll be home and not seeing you soon New Zealand.

Take care of yourselves and stay home if you are vulnerable.  Your life and the lives of those around you are far more important than ANYTHING right now.

Things are going to change and we will have plenty of time to talk about the brave new  world that is upon us.  

Let Love and patience be your guide, and you are NOT alone if you are scared, and we WILL get to a better place together.

Thanks for reading.

We Don’t Know How Lucky We Are

Where can I possibly begin this conversation. This. Electrifying Conversation.

I think, seeing as this is my blog and I am me, I will start by saying: WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK JUST HAPPENED!

Seriously.  Something magical, exhausting, immense, impactful, beautiful and terrifying just happened and required hundreds, perhaps thousands of people to put their hearts and minds on the line to contribute to, and also experience this epic phenomenon.  

For anyone reading this who doesn’t know, I have spent four years trying to figure out a way to bring people together to real talk about the situation we are in.  I don’t need to sugar coat this, the planet is in trouble, people and creatures are suffering.  More of the earth is on fire, under water, or covered in rubbish than any of us, even the most “woke” in our midst can or could actually comprehend.  The mess is incomprehensible, but it is real.  

If you are a climate change denier, or horrendous vessel for greed and ignorance, don’t bother trolling me on this, I don’t even hear it anymore.  Some people are dealing with our current global crisis with anger, ignorance and cognitive dissonance.  You do you boo.  While the rest of us get stuck in trying to find a sustainable and impactful resiliency plan.

Those in my tribe have opted to face our uncertain future with hope, kindness, and mahi (that is the Maori word for WORK for those of you not based here in Aotearoa).

November 1st 2019 Auckland’s ASB showgrounds hosted nearly 200 people (according to my friend Geoff’s headcount and observations) incredibly engaged and impactful human beings from across New Zealand and around the world.  

We convened at 8:00am to real talk about how fucked things have become and how we, as individuals, communities, businesses and a movements could innovate, communicate, collaborate and fight our way through the storm we all see on the horizon.

The collective IQ and experience in this room brought me to tears.  The power, purpose and potential in this room had a day to share, reflect and plan.  If there was ever a time to stop, collaborate and listen (ICE ICE baby… we’re definitely not too cool and can’t get more than 1.5 degrees Celsius warmer), it is now.  

This day, and the week of touring around New Zealand has been four years or more in the planning.  Fueled by my own, and many other’s insatiable optimism and Love for Aotearoa and the planet we chose to give our time, resource, and knowledge.  

It was a lot.

It was exhausting.

It was confronting.

And it was so much fun.

When I was in the midst of this magic, I was so stressed and wired I did not have the capacity to see just how much hope there is, or how lucky we are to be alive right now.

I’ve attached the harrowing itinerary 27 human beings from across New Zealand and around the globe experienced from November 3-8th.  We were there to listen and to be heard.  We were there to share messages of hope and impact with others and the world.  We did this, and we found friendship, laughter, grace and humanity in our group and across the country as we did.

So, I will need a few more days to come back down to earth before I am able to give an appropriate and accurate debrief on the highlights of ECNZ2019.

You will be treated to pictures, stories, case studies, and so many opportunities to join in on this ground swell of hope as fear and confusion continue to mount globally.

I’ll finish by saying thank you to my guests and team for the epic efforts and enthusiasm.  

We are currently collaborating on a Spotify playlist that we can pull out and remember this magic, when the darkness starts creeping in. I think everyone on this journey clearly understands that the world is actually on fire right now. But we found and felt a hope and comfort by joining together.

Friendships and alliances were made that will carry on, perhaps infinitely.  The only accurate description I can give you for what has happened is: magic.  We are all infinitely powerful and this was a solid and combined show display of moving powerfully toward a kinder, cleaner, rewarding and sustainable future.  

Electric, Energetic, Eclectic and Anachronistic Weekend Feels

It is the weekend.  I have so much fucking work to do my heart and head hurt just thinking about it, but I’ve been aching to write for so long that I can’t put it on the back burner anymore.

So.  What have you been up to?  How’s the Spring treating you if you’re here in the Southern Hemisphere, or how is the magical Autumnal awesomeness on the North American East Coast or through the Alps going if that’s your backdrop right now?  

Fuck. I. Miss. Travelling.  

The invitations to speak and participate continue to roll in over WhatsApp and DM, and Hawaii, New York, Ukraine and Europe beckon and I sit poised to take the stage, where I feel most at home.  Who knows when I will be able to pick up that gauntlet again though.  There’s so much work to be done here at home.

I’m enjoying floating around my own backyard here in Aotearoa, but the unrelenting free bird in me feels decidedly lost with clipped wings.  I know that’s a champagne complain.  Staying close to home while the world is on fire, geopolitically, economically, and in reality, is a small price to pay for my time here on earth.  We all have to make changes.  But I can’t promise I’ll be able to curb my addiction for friends and feelings that exist in far off places for much longer.

So it’s Saturday.  We’ve been to Bethell’s beach.  I’ve made the kids crepes.  We’re all tired and snuggled in warm while the spring wind whips around twigs and branches across our unmown lawn.  

Me earbuds are in and I am listening to the latest installment in the arms race of mixed tapes (or in 2019, Spotify playlists) between myself and my very fresh primary relationship.  Yes, I do have to elaborate the primary bit… still figuring that shit out.  A painful, yet utterly wonderful and gratifying separation from my Phoulmate Phteven has left more questions than answers about what I want from the rest of my life.  I don’t know what the future holds, but right now, I am enjoying the strange and unexpected comfort and magic of seeing my sweetheart every couple of days, and aching when that stretches on for any more time.  

I believe this is called the “honeymoon” phase.  

Whatever.  It has been tough as shit at times, and we are reminded at every turn that there are a thousand moving parts, not the least of which being kids, houses, jobs, passion projects and exes.  Sprinkled that with a very miniscule but undeniable group of people I still think I might want to have sex with, and we’re off to a rip-roaring start.  Don’t bother judging me.  Or do, I don’t actually give a fuck.  This shit is what everyone trying to balance their independence and their desire to nest are grappling with.  I have been fundamentally single for nearly three years, and I was actually really good at it, with a few close calls, but a fairly decent track record of finding friends and maintaining healthy relationships after flames of fancy were no longer fanned by my whistle stop travels in and out of their lives. So, I hope honesty and humour are enough to get us through and carry us on to whatever path we might forge together.  This human makes me feel whole and our parasympathetic frequency seems to calm me down and speed him up, and we could both benefit from a bit more of that kinda gear change.

So that’s one thing…. There’s a few more moving parts rolling around this head and heart today, so if you wanna join me for this long overdue session of open letter venting, pull up a chair, we are not quite a third of the way there, so get comfy and try this fucking excellent playlist I made and am slaying all day every day as I zoom, emission free, around this beautiful country.

So… Where was I?

Ah yes, moving parts.  So many moving parts.

There’s the single biggest professional event I’ve ever been involved in looming large on the horizon.  Wait, I am not only involved, I am the fucking organizer and the final word on this shit.  Only two weeks out, and it has nearly killed me.  Nothing like the complete nervous breakdown this time last year, that was absolute unabashed hopelessness.  This has just been real.  It has been uplifting.  It has been a steeper learning curve than any I have known. I have had to stand up for myself way more than I’d ever thought I could or would have to.  And I am exhausted, as are many others fighting to make this a beautiful thing.  Nobody is an island, and we all need so much support to nurture any change or legacy. 

So, it hasn’t nearly killed me, but it’s certainly killed off the pushover inside me, and awoken some sort of getting shit done goddess who doesn’t have time to hear why people haven’t done the things they are supposed to do.  It looks to be a total rip-roaring success, for a flagship event anyway.  I definitely look forward to it and the desire to lock myself in a bunker in the swiss alps for a few years has absolutely abated.  For today at least.  And the team working alongside me have absolutely pulled out their A game and gotten this beautiful bouncing baby event into full-fledged labour! This kid is coming, and it is going to change our country and the world.  

It feels so much like waiting for any of our four babies to come.  I am terrified, curious, and cognizant of the many, many, MANY things that can go wrong and what the implications may be.  But I have grown this child for four years.  I have travelled the globe learning from others and bringing that knowledge and enthusiasm back to New Zealand.  Now it is time to turn that around and share the narrative with the world. They barely know we exist, and that’s bullshit, so I’ve invited some of the most influential and entertaining people I know to come and see this batshit beautiful nation and applaud us for the epic grassroots and community efforts that have seen our EV uptake skyrocket beyond anyone’s forecasts.  And, with precious little encouragement from the public sector compared to every other country leaning toward this method of carbon divestment.

So yeah.  Look at us world!  We are kicking ass.  Tune in first two weeks of November for more!  

Then there’s the family.  And friends.  And the house seems to have some sort of weird house disease that houses can get. And I am chasing a satellite internet company called Gravity to TAKE MY FUCKING MONEY and give me some internet access at the off-gird treehouse where I have every intention of moving gradually toward turning into my retirement nest.  The cat we sent North because she pissed all over everything because she didn’t like noise (ffs, wrong house kitty) is doing great but we all miss her because when she wasn’t pissing on everything she was beautiful and cuddly and clever and had a gently purr and special way of curling into the nape of your neck.  

There’s so much more.  So very much more to say.  But you know what, I was told over a glass of wine and some belly laughs and shared tears of grief over the heartaches we’ve both endured, to just Love myself. We talked at length about, well, lots lof lengthy things.  We decided relationships are a pain in the ass. A beautiful, complicated, necessary, terrifying and fortifying pain in the ass.  Ending something, no matter what stage or state it is in, is a loss no different to the death of someone (or something, like a pet) we care deeply for. Relationships live and breathe, and we need to nurture them when they are sick, and they soar when they are healthy and fill us up and complete us.  So when they die, we have to grieve.  And sometimes, really shitty relationshps are the ones we are the most drawn to.  And figuring out when and how to cut and run is something we’ve all struggled with. Jesus.  What a week.

Sigh.  Life’s a fucking roller coaster.  

Steph and I often sing “Wish I Was a Punkrocker” by Sandy Thom.  It is on the playlist if you care to have a listen.  It is a gem of a song and our gaggle of theatre geek girls will always join in and have a big cathartic sing along as I taxi them to the mall or back to our house.  

It is a song about simpler times.  Before the Internet.  Before the climate crisis.  I’m at the tail end of the last generation to remember a time without connectivity and smart phones and highlights reels on social media.  I had a lonely shitty childhood, but I also had a backpack, a cat named Toots, and acres and acres of Albertan wilderness and pastures to explore from sun-up to sundown.  I climbed trees, built mossy forts in a damp forest we christened Ewok Land, and I watched squirrels, birds, deer, and all manner of wild animals carry on in our shared back yard, and I have failed to give that magic to my kids, as they are so inextricably linked to devices.

I don’t think it is too late to take a trip back in time with them though.  Need to think a bit more about what it looks like, but I think a total digital detox and some communing with nature before it is completely depleted beyond recognition is on the cards for my family and my… my partner.  He’s quite the ecologist so could train us up on the magic that surrounds us and I might even step totally out of my comfort zone for a time and camp under the stars at some point over the summer that stretches out before us here in New Zealand.


I have more to say, but this has carried on hundreds of words longer than I try to contain my blogs to.  

I thank you, as ever, for taking the time to share a slice of my chaos and meandering observations.  

Hope wherever you are and whatever you battles and brilliance you are experiencing makes you stronger, kinder, and you share that hope and experience in whatever ways you can.

Okay.  Have a great week.

Continue reading “Electric, Energetic, Eclectic and Anachronistic Weekend Feels”

Happily Coupled Couples got Dee Thinking 🤔

I’ve landed back in the lap of luxury as I do every time I pass through LA. Dear friends for nearly a decade, Cat and Dan, who we met while they were more or less honeymooning some years ago, have been my hosts here in the city of angels on virtually every occasion I have blown through town.

Cat does not mince words and is a smart a whip and has a heart the size of a planet and skills of observation to match her almost limitless concern for her nearest and dearest. She’s been a great source of strength and advice over the years, and pulls no punches when discussing the realities of dating in this digital age.

Snuggled up in my big princess bed, while they are busying themselves with dinner plans and organizing our day out in Hollywood tomorrow, I realised, for the first time in three years, that I want to bring someone with me on a future visit. I realised, that despite having an extensive dating network of solid, healthy, happy and fulfilling relationships around the globe, I am actually far more suited to traditional monogamy. I have played the field, and today, in Sherman Oaks California, I have decided quite seriously, that I might just be played out.

I can’t put my finger on why some of my romantic pairings work an absolute treat, and others are fleeting or never even get momentum out of the gate. And then, others are just unmitigated DISASTERS! Oof, I have some regrets, not many, but they are there and I grit my teeth and clench my jaw just wondering why and how I could be so stupid! For the most part though, I have had a chance to feel Loved, appreciated, occasionally objectified (and reciprocated in kind), and almost always respected. Not feeling respected is quite the worst feeling. Not feeling understood is also a bit shit. I know I have also been quite cruel in my dealings with some people, and careless with others’ hearts on occasion. I send mixed signals, am incredibly flippant, and unreliable at best. But I am earnest. And I have Love and friendship and honesty to burn. And burn through it I do, with reckless abandon and my whole heart and occasionally body as well.

So the plan is to nurture a small number of relationships I have on the go at home while actively on the search for something substantial. I don’t expect this search to be simple or straightforward. I am quite convinced I do not yet know the future Mr. West. While I do not discount the idea of a female life partner, I think the chances are heavily weighted toward a quiet and patient man being my next penguin. Extroverts need not apply.

I have made hundreds of matches over the last three years. And I am worn out. Very few connections have been disastrous, and my rules are simple: Must be kind, smart, and supremely single. It is not that I have any moral objection to people with open marriages or whatever, it is just that there is absolutely no reason to further complicate my own life, when there are clearly a suprluss of singles and separated folks floating through life, and in the perfect age for me right now too (40-50). Why would anyone bother with more complications than already exist in the minefield that is Romance in the late 2010’s?

So I have had this chat with three of my not boyfriends this morning. I’ve spent the last few years living a series of harlequin romances with people I have grown to Love and trust very much. It is always a huge honour when people take time off work and fly over to meet me or book us a lovely hotel somewhere. I feel free and grown up and enjoy the adult company and conversation very much.

But I want what I once had, and I want it to be an even richer and more fulfilling relationship, considering age and experience. I’ve clearly identified what I need and want and the richness I now know offer as a potential partner. I felt like a trophy wife too often in my now defunct marriage. I crave a relationship where I am part of a team, and seen internally and externally as an equal. Cheerleading and championing friends and Loved ones is second nature to me, but I want to hunker down and have my family (mixed or extended if that’s what happens) charging forth into an impactful and rewarding future or adventures and activism together. I’m not holding out for a hero, I am my own fucking hero thank you very fucking much. I am holding out for an equal. Someone who absolutely understands that I am a hot mess and Loves and respects me enough to hold me accountable, and genuinely celebrates my strengths, and I do the same in return.

There is a strange kind of loneliness that comes when you are rarely alone I think. I get to laugh and adventure and share magical moments more in a year than I had suspected I could or would ever be privy to in a decade. When I was a miserable and lonely child in Tomahawk Alberta, the idea of being a waitress or hostess at some family restaurant in California was as romantic and crazy a notion then as owning a sprawling penthouse in Manhattan is for me today. But I like my life right now. I truly do. It has been eye opening and I know me so much better than I did three years ago. And I know that I am “fucking hard work at times (exact words from several partners…)” and carry a lot of baggage. But I do not begrudge the same in other people at all. I am ready to get my hands dirty trying to build a new life. Although, I am in no rush to get started, as I do feel it will be a long and arduous journey finding my next (and hopefully last) soulmate and partner in life and Love.

I remember the way my husband used to look at me, like perhaps I was magic or maybe I even hung the moon itself with my swift, tiny little hands. There are moments of the same magic with many of the men I have been dating. I need to put it to the universe that I am ready for my next one and only, as I suspect the search could take years, even once I have firmly decided that this is what I seek and want.

So, for today, I will hang out with my dear friends and we will dine out at some impossible to get into trendy LA assault on the senses, and I will be left dizzy and grateful for the glow of our friendship. I want someone to share it all with me again one day. I talk to my ex every single day, and we have had some of the most beautiful memories and forged a life that flies thousands of feet above both of our wildest imaginings. But that life was then, and we are not going to get it back. Nor, do either of us want it. I do want to feel that magic and safety and coupledom again. I guess I will keep you posted, and hopefully be able to see and snuggle a few of my favourite partners before I am shipped out for good again. But who knows what tomorrow brings I suppose. And I have absolutely no strategy or timeline for the search and journey I think I am finally ready to be on.

We can but see I suppose.