Mothers Like No Others

Yesterday was just incredibly unpleasant in Auckland. An epic deluge of rain from another of those atmospheric rivers blew through the city and Northland. 

Leaks in my home wept. This reminded me of the huge amount of work we have ahead of us breathing new life into this nearly century old building. Not many people would be keen to take on such a mammoth task, but we have a great team, and our designers are well across it and good design saves so much cost and confusion down the line.

Relevant colloquialisms = a stitch in time saves nine, an ounce of prevention saves a pound of cure. There’s more, but we have an incredible design and architecture team, flanked by loyal (albeit quirky) building and implementation team. Very blessed and always a little bit stressed at this stage of our evolution. 

I would not trade a single thing about the complete chaos and incredible amount of effort and meaning my life has right now. But fuck me. There’s always a lot going on.

What else went haywire? Oh yes, we were late (a whole 6 minutes) dropping son to school as it was a swamp on the motorway and we also missed our exit.

The scales in the morning tipped in at 77kg which is 20kgs more than I ought to weigh apparently. Pfft. Whatever. 

Just a bit of a clusterfuck all around really.

Yet, somehow it was a lovely, productive, beautiful day. 

We’ve been getting a lot of invites to a lot of things lately. My answer to almost everything is still a big, clear, booming and beautiful NO.

Damon will be going to a couple of things with my son Daniel as he is a grown up now.

So yes, yesterday ought to have been quite awful, yet it absolutely was not.

My beyond doting darling Damon was perfect portions of annoyed and delighted with various projects, implementation and plans. I ran errands successfully and got well over 15k steps and went to Pilates. I hate pilates. I hate all exercise that isn’t walking through the woods/forest/mountains or skiing. But doing stuff I hate makes my amygdala stronger according to my 20 year old geektastic Daniel son.

The most important thing that happened? My friend rang me to tell me she was impressed by my parenting. 

I was at Costco beating the crowds at 10am on a Tuesday to grab cheese and bulk lunchbox snacks. She called, and her tone of earnest triggered the abused/gaslit/neglected Dee I used to be and I thought she was ringing to scold me.

My broken brain, even after 6 years of healing, recovery and unmedicated and unmitigated safety and freedom assumed I was in trouble. 

Here is a screenshot that kinda describes the level of me I get to be since turning my back on most of my life some years ago now:

Today I am me. Me does not give a single fuck what most people think about the me that I am. I don’t talk shit about other people (except my ex and my trashy persona non grata biological disaster zone that were once considered family). There’s not really time to judge other people or be concerned with what anyone else is doing, unless they make me aware or want or need time from me. I will make time for most people if they ask still. But most people do not and that’s cool.

The serious lack of interest in what other people think of or say about me did not seem possible when I was stuck in the glittery but shitty life I used to lead. Old me was addicted to validation, now I crave connection and meaning.

If someone does not like me? Good.

I like me.

TBH, I am a fucking delight.

So… Yeah.

Nope. Not in trouble. She took the time to tell me what a joy it was to see me parent and how great our rapport as mother and son is.

I cannot begin to tell you what that means to someone who was gaslit, abused, and wrongly accused of being a poor parent and crazy person. 

Me 10 years ago could not imagine the safety and balance that comes from practicing the actual zero tolerance for fuckery I am able to maintain through most of my life. It is standard operating procedure to be authentic and imperfect, and I have the bandwidth to engage with the very small number of people (which included family) I allow in my space. 

Want to make more time to see more people who I do indeed Love. But this will happen when it happens.

I have four friends who I speak to almost every day.

That’s all I can handle.

That is enough and they get the benefit and burden of being in my inner circle. 

So.

I popped round for a very uplifting visit with one of the favoured four the night before. Went straight to see her after picking up my son from the North Shore. 

We laughed and chatted and Jamie joined us to protest and complain he was bored. He’s 11, it is his job to be bored and boredom is a gift denied most children these days.

We were the last generation (Gen X) to grow up entertaining ourselves in nature and being bored. 

Sigh.

So he joined our conversation and we had long chats about the Persephone project which he has been hearing about in some form his whole life. I asked what he thought Persephone was gearing up to do. He thought it was rescuing women who were like me when I was sad and broken.

Reasonable assumption indeed. 

But nope. My friend and I both chimed in and said there is nothing ambulance at the bottom of the cliff, nor triage, nor rescuing, nor sheltering women. Persephone will uplift and encourage, not rescue.

Semantics are everything. We explained semantics and how saying the same (relative) thing with different words could change everything about how the message is recieved.

This budding legacy project is all about supporting and uplifting women who have already done enough work to be safe and strong, and need a push to get to the next level in a world that has made it hard for women to get ahead. 

No rescuing. 

We rescued ourselves. 

Just recognising, supporting, acknowledging, investing in, and encouraging goddesses in meaningful ways.

So when she called, and her voice sounded serious, I thought she was gonna maybe scold me for using the cunt word as liberally as I had in conversations with her incredible daughter (who I adore and am so proud of). 

I cannot tell you in hindsight how ridiculous this assumption was, or how sad I am at my brain for thinking that everyone is gonna sucker punch me, scold me, lie to me, or give me shit any time I pick up a phone call. 

Our conversations with her 19 year old delight of a daughter were scintillating. She’s doing an intense biomed degree and we talked about brains and pathways and all sorts of interesting things she learned that day.

Full disclosure, this friend is a super mom. Kind, funny, warm, supportive and so much more engaged with the meaningful journey of being a mom than I ever was. She’s just dreamy and I am in awe of her most of the time.

However, this particular friend never uses the words cunt or bitch, and she hasn’t for a long time. It is one of her many unique and beautiful ways of celebrating women and flexing her feminist activist muscle. No derogatory phrases pertaining to female anything. 

I, on the other hand LOVE the cunt word. It is my favourite on so many levels and for so many reasons.

Using it as liberally as I do is how I practice my own method of worshiping women. It is a divisive word about a powerful, beautiful and magical thing that I am glad to be in possession of.

This is not a secret. I can put my sprinkling of c word and scrappy language to the side when I need to, but I never feel the need to when it is her and I. We’ve been great friends for a long time now.

So yeah.

Healing and happiness don’t mean the cPTSD part of you doesn’t revert to fear and fight or flight thinking even when you are safe and know you are safe. 

I say no to almost everything and only do things that I simply know I must or that bring me actual joy.

Damon and I also finally got around to getting our nails done yesterday. The technicians at the nail place know us really well at this point. We aim to visit the salon when it is quiet (which is rare) and we sometimes give gifts from the farm. 

Everyone is so kind and warm to us there. And they’re curious about us as we travel so much and have a lot of kids who come along from time to time to get their nails done.

My nail tech had even more questions than usual yesterday.

We covered the fact I am a witch, and I clearly like to be barefoot. she could tell from the state of my heels you see. I also explained that I avoid humans as much as I can and that is why I am so happy traveling to places where nobody knows me, nobody cares who I am and I can just smile at strangers and live my life and learn things to apply to our farm and other projects. 

A lovely woman named Barbara from Waimate (deep south) overheard our conversations. She laughed long and hearty through our chats, and said she fully understands my desire to disappear most of the time. 

I was too kind, and too accessible for far too long. I used up all my fucks begging to be seen and validated and failing to feel better from either of these things.

Now, I just relish my own company. Validation is not required, human contact is kept surface level and safe, but I still hold space for offering support and advice because I can do this without putting myself at any risk of burn out theses days. Boundaries are strong and beauty and magic are everywhere most of the time.

I still get triggered. I still struggle with deep sadness. I still feel angry and scared a lot of the time.

But brains do learn to seek and find joy and feel safe. 

If the feelings of anxiety and frustration are invited to run their course, and gratitude and wonder are nurtured in healthy green light relationships… brains and hearts do heal.

Yesterday was indeed a gift, and I just wanted to share a few snippets of it with you.

Thanks for reading. 

Melbourne – Our Actual Favourite

Happy Days for me as I’ve been trying to sneak to Melbourne for months and finally got here this weekend. No particular requirement or event to get away this time, but any opportunity to be exposed to anything in the wellness or hospitality sector, is an opportunity to learn and apply new knowledge to our evolving tourism business. 

And that’s exactly what we’ve done. Through our experiences wandering the planet we’ve been able to arrive home and apply the magic that we find meaningful at our tiny farm. Fairly fucking fabulous actually. And the formula really seems to be working as we’ve watched the feedback from our visitors to Matakana Retreat become more and more rapturous and positive.

So today heralds the end to our short but fantastic circuit breaker trip to our favourite Antipodean city. Melbourne sometimes feels far more like home to me than Auckland. It is a place I feel very relaxed, curious, and happy, however our karma with the City of Sails has not ended and indeed appears to have a whole new course to run yet. 

We’ve kept a lid on it for the most part, but we will be adding a beautiful building in the CBD to our list of projects this year. It is a four-story commercial/residential split with space for restaurants, commercial offices, and residential options. The plan is to spend the next five years breathing life and love into the building that was built in 1927. 

A lot of our friends and family are curious why we would want to move downtown into Auckland Central rather than the suburbs. Like us they have seen the downtown suffer for years firstly with the investment in the City Rail Link, then Covid, and now apparently with Auckland Transport’s endless desire to change the entire walking and roading configuration of the city’s streets. Our hope however is that Auckland’s time is finally coming, and that the investments that have been made into the city will start to bear fruit and make better sense over the next 12 – 24 months as the CRL comes online and other infrastructure investments bear fruit.

We know from our time in Melbourne that a city can have ups and downs and be dealt trauma and triumph, but if there is a beating heart of creativity, curiosity and inclusiveness and community, that city can be magic.

Rather than pine for the thriving inner city of Auckland that was our haunt in the 90’s and early 2000’s we have decided to, quite literally, invest in and collaborate with others to create the city of the mid to late 2020’s that we can feel safe, proud and welcome in. Things change, it is the only constant in the universe, so we want to be the change we have seen in city’s and towns across the globe that embrace artists, creatives, diversity, joy and curiosity. 

We cannot quite up sticks and move to Melbourne, although we have every intention of soon finding a bolt hole that we can enjoy and add to our growing tourism portfolio. So we will take lessons and learnings from our frequent visits here and other cities we enjoy, and hope to manifest some of the magic in our home town of Auckland.

I also personally believe that women have the power and ability to not only create life, but work together to breath life into places, spaces and communities. As proof of this conviction, we are going to be custom building a third space that provides affordable entertainment, venue space and lively and energizing events designed for women to join in and feel safe, seen and valued. I cannot single handedly steer the city in any direction, but I know that there is an army of incredibly powerful witches who when they work together, will absolutely manifest and bring forth change, growth and actual magic.

In any case the investment we have made in our small piece of the downtown city is our commitment to being part of the journey of making Auckland a more fun and fabulous destination. Applying the same formula as we did on the farm. Building a place we would (and do) love to be and spend time. And really, doesn’t having a building to play with sound kind of fun? I do have so many creative ideas bubbling over to use the space to build and delight communities of difference in Auckland once we get in there. 

It is now nearly time to go and head off into the city for a last look around before welcoming a childhood friend Kory at the arrivals lounge for just long enough to give her a squeeze as she lands around 1pm and I fly out at 3pm. 

We also have a coffee catch up scheduled with my fabulously flamboyant Melbourne based amiga Krissy at the Victoria market this morning. That’s next on the itinerary.

Have a great Tuesday. Keep an eye out for some sneak peaks into our wonderfully witchy new building. I will be sharing our journey sporadically as we roll up our sleeves and get on with the transformation of our little slice of Tamaki Makaurau. 

Thanks for reading.

Love Sharing Stories – But Some Magic is Just for Me

The cycle of shame over not writing, editing, or attending enough to creative endeavours is my Sisyphus boulder.

While I do not currently earn a living from creative pursuits, I live a life scorched by the flames of curiosity and wonder. I also have the freedom and resources to be doing basically whatever I want, when I wish, where I choose, and only with people I actually adore. Yet, time gets swallowed up with business commitments, children, chores and general drudgery.

This is why we travel. And we travel A LOT. We head off to far flung places most people just don’t think to go so we can steep like a couple of happy little teabags in a hot water of hope, happiness, curiosity and creativity. 

My soulmate and muse Damon exists on a very different plane to me and sees the world through the eyes of an almost minimalist former Buddhist monk. He does not crave or create clutter or confusion. 

These days I am incomprehensibly calmer than I was a decade ago. Yet, still feel drawn to whimsy and probably more excitement than your average middle-aged witch. Also tend toward being compelled to consume trinkets and things as we travel. Purchased a lovely and loud bright orange dress in Santa Barbara. Do I need another dress? Absolutely not. Do I like my new dress? You bet your sweet bippy I do it is cute af. 

dress turned out to be the same color as the sunset on the trip from Houston to Merida.

So now we are ensconced in blissful solitude in a castle-like conversion in the capital of the Yucatan province in Mexico. Merida is the real Mexico I crave, not a touristic town filled with gringos like us. We came here to improve our Spanish and it is a necessity to speak it here. So that is a win.

We are also going to put me in my corset and witchy dress so I can swan around and Damon can photograph me. Love having a partner who is so willing to be silly and childlike with me. We literally play dress up and hide in our rich inner lives in strange and wonderful locations all over the planet.

We always have so many intentions of sharing the incredible moments of change and transformation we enjoy on our travels. Also sharing the rare but real challenges that sometimes arise in our intrepid choices. Honestly, we have some incredible ‘what-the-actual-fuck’ stories and really ought to be sharing those along with our smoother and simpler sojourns. 

We are pretty content most of the time at this stage in our lives. We actively avoid being ensconced in our own or other people’s complex orbits and dynamics as the more people you’ve got in your orbit, the higher the chances of being pulled into orbits of drama or difficulty. We do not shy away from grief or challenging times when they are presented to people we Love. We do avoid most people most of the time though, as we like our own company so very much. Life is predominantly devoid of drama and I tend to make myself scarce at the first sign of convoluted fuckery, decipherable deceit, or any other general hijinx. 

It is definitely by design that I only have four close friends. I am deeply, madly, and importantly in Love with hundreds of humans who have wandered into my life over the years. I would drop everything to support any one of them if I were summoned. But true, trusted, sincere friendships that I chat with consistent regularity (most days) I only have the bandwidth for four. I had more but my fuck around and find out mechanism means there’s been a lot of goodbyes for the sake of self-respect and preservation since I started my healing journey. Nobody nowhere will hear me speak anything but Love and respect for the people who were in my inner orbit once and have since been shut out. Provided they didn’t do anything cruel, conniving or unforgivable. I will speak that truth all day long if someone shit on me. But most of the friendships I have ended in the years since my breakdown have ended because it was time. No anger or animosity, just the dull ache that comes from wanting to reach and share good news or check in to celebrate a win or commiserate over something. And that ache is seasoned with a strong sense of relief as when something special and cherished ends, it always makes room for new adventures and beginnings. I am not a person who regrets letting go. I actually Love this about me. The ability to let go of basically anything or anyone so I have the bandwidth to really show up for what is important and fill up my cup too. 

Last week I took a rare and intense peak into the life and history of one of my four favoured friendships. Auriga brought us on a whirlwind tour of her teenage, formative and young adult life. I want to smash out a stunning update replete with images and insights that will capture with clarity the magic we were exposed to. I’m desperate to deliver with just enough words the closeness and clarity this journey introduced to our friendship. I want to bring the reader along on the funny, harrowing, heart-wrenching, exciting, and incredible journey we went on over four very busy and beautiful days.

But that magic lives in my heart now. And it is mine to have and I doubt I would be able to accurately describe the complex, charming, extraordinary and awe-inspiring magic I was exposed to.

So I won’t. 

I will perhaps write down some thoughts about the two beautiful people I finally met after hearing about them both for years. Auriga’s parents are formidable forces of nature in the most natural and wonderful way. She looked like a chuffed child sitting between them as we enjoyed sushi at a place over on Howard Hughes Drive.

How cute is Auriga and her parents are just lovely. The poodle is named Little Bit and I am more than a little bit obsessed with her she's perfect.

They have already lived long and incredible lives and are both witty, and brilliant and have poetry and pain sewn in their coat pockets from lives well-lived and mistakes made and learned from and stories that would make anyone laugh and cry. I wish them continued long, healthy, magical life. Along with all the other incredible over-achieving magical creatures we met. We need hope more than ever in these uncertain times. I have been decidedly charged up with some of that hope thanks to the magnificent and intelligent Americans I met on this adventure. 

And my heart hurts for them all as the world journey’s farther into patterns that many of us hoped would never be repeated.

Check in with your friends in the USA there’s a lot of feelings being felt right now and supporting mercy, kindness and intelligence is more important than I think it has ever been in my 46 years on this earth.

Thanks for reading.

End of Year Smallering, Streamlining and Softening

Energy seems to shift in December. It appears that most people are limping toward the finish line after another marathon year, filled with fun, feelings, and fuckery of many forms and flavours.

There’s so many utterly huge and heavy things fueling the dumpster fire that seems to be our society at this stage. I can’t even cope and have to mostly avoid mainstream media.

On a much more personal and immediate level, I see glimmers of gloriousness in the natural world and often in human interactions. This all kind of kicked off on this better trajectory when I built boundaries and started smallering and streamlining my life.

I have had much worse years than 2024. Upon reflection, it is difficult to recall any better years in the 46 I have navigated. There’s one distinct factor that seems to be integral to the calm and clarity the past few years and that factor is Damon.

So many things remain huge and out of my control. Stuff not in my orbit can be decidedly awful and pique my anxiety. But on a smaller, safer, more personal level, things are gentle and filled with promise and opportunity.

Yesterday, I went out to do things that needed to be done, and required varying degrees of human contact.

It was not fabulous.

People, in my experience, can sometimes get a bit mean at this time of year. Perhaps it is because they are fighting hard battles that bubble to the surface this season, or perhaps there is something for me to learn by running into horrid humans who say disgusting things. A Farmers shop assistant in the cosmetics department volunteered her opinion that “those people keep breeding” in regards, I assume, to people in a different socio-economic or cultural demographic than her.

She. Was. Absolutely. Unpleasant.

Or I guess just sadly confused, and deeply out of touch with how the systemic deprivation and institutional racism so prevalent in Aotearoa affects our whole society. The recipe of being mean, cutting funding, and the war on the poor and disenfranchised, is not going to deliver a safer, happier, country for everyone. But some people cling to a rhetoric of divisiveness and cruelty. That’s out of my control but still upsetting when I come face to face with it.

It’s a tough time for the service and retail sector also I get that so maybe she was having a bad day. It’s a good time of year to be aware of these stresses and where possible show some patience, grace and care.

Let me offer some context.

We are in the middle of a refurbishment at the farm. We are so lucky to have our builder Dave project managing most of this for us, as we simply could not do it justice if it were on our plate right now.

There are things that need to happen before the Christmas break, and then there are things that can and will wait until the new year. We have temporarily retired a beautiful gas oven and hob stove that requires new decals and a service. Googled, then called a gas fitter to find out that they do indeed offer these services. The lovely, exhausted human at the other end of the line was relieved and so happy to hear me say there is no urgency and we will call them back in the new year.

Similar situation in reverse, as we booked a package at a local boutique hotel in Auckland on December 27th. Auckland empties out dramatically at this time of year. Delightful bringing business to small local operators, and it is even more delightful to fill in quiet gaps in their calendars and not need to inflict stress or urgency upon them.

And the last thing I will discuss this morning is the friends and family energy.

My social and family circle is super small.

I removed myself from my white trash, toxic, manipulative and abusive biological family many years ago. Things have markedly improved since then. More recently I stopped all contact with my ex-husband who I attempted to maintain a healthy relationship with, to honour and support our kids. The constant gaslighting and complete fuckery that flows from attempts to understand that man do not serve me or my kids. They have their relationship with their father, and I am much happier and healthier with no contact. My patient partner deals with the calendars and this leaves me to focus on providing a safe, healthy and consistent parenting experience to my children on our terms.

I also only have four friends. Had five, but karma ended with one lovely former friend while we were away in Bhutan. There is no beef or drama, our narrative has just ended. I am grateful for our many years of friendship, I am equally grateful and quite relieved that we have gone our separate ways. Seasons, reasons and lifetimes.

So, there are only four people on the planet outside my household that I have regular contact with. I deeply and meaningfully cherish and love too many people to count on all my fingers and toes, regardless of HUGE gaps between visits and contact. But actual functional day to day friendships, I only have four. I do not believe I could handle any more.

I Love sharing my thoughts on this blog and on other platforms, but moving into 2025 I am feeling like further smallering and simplifying life might be on the horizon. Years of trauma and poor decisions strangely put me in good stead to disappear in this, my autumn years. I worked hard and had few and flimsy boundaries, and felt lonely and lost and hopeless no matter what professional, personal and financial milestones were being achieved.

Today I feel the fullest and most peaceful and complete in my own company with Damon in arms reach. Who knows what fuckery or fantasticalness might unfold in the future. Today I feel safe and happy in my shrinking space and well removed from the rat race.

Don’t Want to Jinx It…

Over the last two days here in Manhattan, Damon and I binged the new romcom series “Nobody Wants This” and it was pretty okay. Based in LA, not here, but still American AF.

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Cute. Relatable. 

I am writing this blog in support of waiting for the right person and the magic that manifests when you find them.

Noah (romantic cis male lead) and Joanne (romantic cis female lead) are maybe a bit like my spunky former Monk and me. He’s calm, humble, cute, and called to spiritual and general leadership practice. She’s a small hurricane and hot mess. 

Biggest glaring difference in the narratives obviously being we are doing our best to navigate the journeys of the combination of seven kids from our previous relationships. That is a terrific, terrifying and rewarding challenge.

We are currently in the final throws of our third annual big family trip. Took the teenagers to Japan in January. Six of the seven kids joined us for a ski trip to Queenstown. This last 2024 adventure started with all four of my kids, my very difficult to understand (so I have long since stopped trying) ex-husband Steve, and my stepson River. 

There are only two remaining children here in NYC. Stephanie and River. They are both much happier having their third amigo Daniel (my oldest kid) in the mix, and are clearly missing his calming and quirky vibe. We all are.

Steph had a tummy bug a couple of days ago but is on the mend and River has been a great sport. He remains undeniably a 15 year old boy. 15 year old boys are shuffly, snuffly, filled to the eyeballs with testosterone, and generally live on a completely different frequency to tired but content middle aged witches such as myself. 

Yet we get along most of the time. We all Love and respect one another, and all three of my step kids are actively grateful for the happiness I bring to their father. He is a pretty happy guy and really finds me a joy to be around. Who the fuck knows how or why that is the case, but we do have a great time together. 

The close quarters over the past couple of weeks have probably now worn on the last communal nerve however. 

That’s to be expected. And we have separate rooms on separate floors here in Manhattan so are all given the space to rest and there’s a lovely dinner with some of our fave New Yorkers in the West Village tonight. 

It is clear we have grown and had some amazing moments. One day they might even realise what a huge fucking effort it is to get something like this to happen. And if the Oracle is particularly kind, perhaps they will even appreciate those efforts one day. We live in hope.

None of this is what I want to talk about.

I want to talk, again… I know, about my beautiful and doting wife Damon. 

Watching this romcom about a couple in their 40’s finding happiness was a lovely little chance to reflect on our journey.

It has been over five years “off the apps” which seems so strange, as it’s been mostly a smooth ride, despite the occasional bump. 

Damon was never for a single second on any of the apps. He is not built that way, nor would he need to as he was considered a rather eligible bachelor in the months before we hooked up. 

Over two years we’ve been blissfully married, monogamous and meandering the planet together. We are basically and continuously joined at the hip. Neither of us knew we’d be quite so content in such an arrangement.

So the final episode of the season – spoiler alert – left the happy new couple briefly breaking up because Noah was going to be the big cheese Rabi and Joanne wasn’t ready to convert to Judaism. 

Queue contemplative moment looking over at my man (who is SUCH a snack, I just gotta remind everyone how beautiful this fella is, face, baby blue eyes, luscious curly locks, body and MOST importantly his shining, brave and abundant soul) and thinking how far we have both come and what we sacrificed to be living the life we do.

We found each other at low points in both of our lives. I was fairly fresh out of a serious nervous break-down and he was healing and rebuilding himself across many facets of his journey.

We moved in together and started traveling at a mind-boggling pace. There was little to no fucking around and he was not for a single moment in the maybe camp, but always a resounding “HELL YES” when it came to me and our relationship.

I just, generally, couldn’t believe my luck. And yes, I did absolutely do the Dee thing at the start and try my very best to sabotage the situation as soon as it seemed it might actually work. Luckily he saw through my dipshittery and trauma and hung in there.

Covid locked us down at our farm together, and that farm has become our business and a bane and blessing to both our bank account (which is shared, I must do a blog on that one day) and our overall happiness. 

We love that farm. 

It is unrecognizable from the weed infested fuckery it was when my ex was making decisions for the property. The farm was the only thing I demanded in my divorce. Other assets were split down the middle without any fuss, but the ex and his mother kept hold of a property portfolio that is actually huge. Never was there a single fuck given by me on that front. 

We were even going to move into the family home and fix it up and pay market rates to rent it knowing the kids (Adam in particular) wanted to keep the place. 

That absolutely did not happen and I am eternally grateful it didn’t. Funny how stressful moments can in hindsight clearly be blessings. We were poised with boxes on moving day when the ex-husband phoned out of the blue and announced his new missus wasn’t having it.  

Dumbass forgot to talk to her about it. Not cool. Not a surprise either, but seriously disrespectful to her and to us. Que sera sera.

So we were homeless for a few weeks with all our shit in storage. I was very confused and angry, but am now chuffed that I didn’t end up trying once again, in an infinite stream of attempts to help out my ungrateful ex. That is a hiding to nowhere. He will never appreciate anything. We get it, we move on.

Wanting the farm and nothing else, and not fighting for the much more valuable family home was one of the many excellent decisions I have made for myself since my brain and self was re-set.

I said to Damon this morning, that I appreciated all he sacrificed. He sold his house and we spent a few fabulous months managing getting it to market together. That meant he came to our marriage solvent and supportive. He also agreed to leave his CEO role at a lovely NGO. He took huge risks and stepped in as acting CEO for 6 months at one of my companies ChargeNet. He was a calm and steady hand and was kicked to the curb without so much as a thank you after his internment. Not a single fuck given by either of us on that subject either. People suck, it’s cool I am basically immune at this point.

I think, the secret sauce to my bountiful happiness these days has a lot to do with letting people and shit go. These days I step forward into what is next without overthinking or wasting good give-a-fuck-energy.

Damon wrapping up as CEO at ChargeNet was a special time for us. His job was stressful and as soon as he was replaced by a competent woman, we were able to focus on the farm, and more importantly ourselves and our marriage. 

As he started dating me basically at rock bottom and held me up and accountable through my divorce and recovery, I did not feel like the one who had to make too many sacrifices coming into this.

He corrected that thought process by reminding me I completely turned my back on “an active social life”. 

That translates to my slut-faming phase. 

I was also still, at that point, surrounded by some large number of people who would not cross a road to piss on me if I were on fire. But yes. When we started out, I thought I was a big independent bad-ass who needed to not have her wings clipped. 

This was an arrangement he originally considered, but the fact is, our boy Damon does not share. No way, no how, with no-one. He is a penguin through and through. Only has eyes for Dianna, and boundaries around that are clear and observable in every aspect of our relationship. 

I can chat once in a blue moon with a fun or interesting ex, and he knows about that. It’ll just be for a check-in or cheerful congratulations message, but it is rare that I bother. He just maintains a cool and respectful distance from anyone that was or wanted to be romantically involved with him. 

Worth mentioning that I am a big fan of his first wife. She is a walking contradiction, a great beauty, and fierce goddess. We are not designed to be friends as we have deeply different personalities, passions, goals, and interests. I definitely think you could say I am a fan though. She’s a stunning and fascinating woman. Damon and her are pretty low drama and they both clearly Love their kids. I do too. They are incredible people and make me very proud.

So I will wrap up there as I have blathered on enough. And, as the title says, I do NOT care to jinx this incredible soft, safe, squishy and satisfying marriage of ours. We fought our own battles to become the people we are today, and our nervous systems are clearly grateful for the ongoing reflection and efforts toward healing and gratitude.

But what’s my take home message? Well a number of our friends who have left or had disappointing relationships and marriages come to an end say that Damon and my relationship gives them cause for hope that the next time around can be better, that it is possible to find a more rewarding and loving relationship in our more mature years. We often joke that that is a huge amount of pressure for us!

Whilst we may not have the definite explanation of our apparent success (at least to date), and we do know in the grand scheme our relationship is still in its relative infancy, we can say honestly that we do take the job of not taking one another for granted very seriously. I think that is a key reason why things have gotten better and better with each day that passes rather than is so often the case getting worse. We tend to focus on what would make the other person happy and delight in delighting each other.

That’s some good tonic right there. How many people in relationships do you know that can genuinely say that? I’ll warrant it’s not many, but you know what, I can almost guarantee that the relationships where the parties involved ARE able to say that will be the most happy ones and will have the greatest chance of surviving. 

Thanks for reading.

Happy Blue Super Moon!

Out with the old, in with the new. What a lovely time to be observing this concept on the eve of a very rare blue super moon.

Generally speaking it’s a trait of the human condition that most people struggle with their mortality and big changes at various times. I’ve been very lucky to never really have a fear of either but rather more a fascination with both. 

Of course I do fear losing my children, partner and true and genuine friends. The sands flowing through my own hourglass don’t really tend to bother me much though. Let them flow. Getting older and wiser and giving less fucks about trivial shit every single season is such a blessing and a beautiful journey indeed. 

Every person on their path to healing will hopefully know exactly what I mean when I say that. The journey of growing older, evolving, and healing, is a process of both letting go and welcoming in. Usually the rubbish takes itself out though sometimes you may have to proactively kick it to the curb. That’s okay, it’s just a necessary part of what needs to change for us to fulfill our higher life’s priorities as hopefully we get better at making ourselves and others happy.

So with the rising of a new full moon (more about this shortly), can I encourage you to take a moment to ready yourself for loss in your life. And that it’s always important to prepare to be surprised or even saddened by the dishonest fuckery of some people. Even those who you’ve lifted up and helped. Finally though it is by releasing these defunct relationships that the you can make space for better or new blessings. By realizing ahead of time that people are likely to let you down you’ll be able to spring back much faster and stronger if it happens. 

Also people change, and the people you love and respect today, need to be free to find their own path tomorrow. Maybe your two paths in that sense need to lead in different directions. That’s also okay if it means you can both go on and grow your own way.

That’s all just cycles we’ve got to live through. On reflection it’s only a very small number of the total relationships that we are in at any given moment that will survive many decades worth of seasons. And all the while the moon and her sister the sun will set and rise through our own and everyone else’s lessons, lesions and learnings. 

No-one can say with any certainty how many more sunrises or sunsets they’ll have the privilege to see. Or even who among the people they Love and respect today will still be with them in a year’s time. Some people and circumstances will leave beyond the veil, some people will actively remove themselves from you or the path you are on, and others, you may have to remove yourself. 

Moving on and away from people and situations is not something I typically struggle with. When I close a door it generally locks behind me and I move deftly and passionately away from anything that has shown itself to be too dangerous or disappointing. When I was younger I wasn’t so adept at this with a net result I stuck around in situations that were entirely past their use by date and sincerely I regret that. When people show you who they are it probably pays to believe them. Betting on a tropical rainforest to grow in the middle of a desert doesn’t yield great returns. I’ve never regretted walking away but I have regretted sticking by people longer than I should have. 

Who knows what comes next for any of us? Really! Well that doesn’t need to be too scary, it can also be a liberating feeling. It is the way of the universe that people, pets, plants and projects end and fighting against that truth can make one very weary and unhappy indeed.

All I can really know is that I am here today, right now. Perched on a cliff on a tiny island paradise on the brink of a very special and rare cycle for the moon – yes, I’m coming back to the moon I promised you earlier! 

The Lunar Goddess who I observe and trust in, well, she helps to sustain life and life cycles on this planet. She is our guardian, a cosmic shield, a source of wonder and fascination. Without the moon being in our orbit, the tides would not rise and fall, and our seasons, cycles and successions would be unrecognisable. Carrying a name like Dianna (the goddess of the moon) it seems fitting that I have come to honour how deeply sensitive I am to the moon and her power.

This past few months I have felt uneasy and suffered a series of deep disappointments. Healing can be messy and hard. Any woman who has evolved to plant and protect new boundaries will tell you about push back. This is when the people who benefited from perhaps a more broken version of you aim to derail your healing. This is usually done by lying or attacking your character, but the motivation is always the same. It’s because they are no longer benefitting from the cycles of generosity, turning a blind eye, kindness and the compassion without boundaries you once offered them. 

Your real friends should be able to tell you when you’ve messed up but they’ll always support your truth and higher purpose and they don’t slander you behind your back. The best possible scenario is that they’ll even join you on your journey – which brings me back to the moon!

In the wee hours of Monday morning where I currently am in Niue, the super blue moon will reach her peak. The next time this phenomenon will occur is in 2037. Blue moons happen in two instances. The first is when our Gregorian calendars cram in two full moons in an observed monthly cycle. It’s two moons in one month. The second classification of a blue moon is the third of four full moons in an observable season. For the latter, this August 19th is just such a date in the Northern hemisphere’s summer, and in my home, the Southern hemisphere’s winter.

The moon sets here in Niue just a few moments after 6:00am tomorrow and the sun rises only minutes after that.  

As a practicing witch this is a significant opportunity to observe and honour a new and powerful cycle. As this rare and (in my understanding and conviction) magical moon ripens to her fullness, I will find a quiet place to contemplate my journey, banish what no longer serves me, and manifest a clear and peaceful path forward.

Essentially, what this means for me is that I get to make a big intentional wish, the way one might wish on a falling star or blowing out birthday candles. This is an observable transition in the cosmos where we all originated, and it gives me a chance to release and then restart and renew.

I invite you to observe this relatively rare cosmic event in any way you choose, but my encouragement is to use it as a moment of reflection and to call back your own power all the while releasing any fuckery that may have attached itself to you or is presently weighing you down.

Happy Blue Super Moon to everyone – indeed I don’t get to say this very often, only once in a….

Thanks for reading.

Delightful

It is a Tuesday night in the middle of winter here in Aotearoa. I am tucked up in our big comfy bed at our big comfy farm with my big comfy Damon and my not-so-big and often comfy but utterly disinterested in anyone but himself cat.

I made fresh wholewheat buns and extra gooey-sticky cinnamon buns and my beloved former chef and total snack of a husband foraged for leafy greens and fresh herbs in the garden. He proceeded to cook up an omelet using farm fresh eggs from our pampered pet chickens.

Heavenly. Just everything about the vibe, calm, and total comfort of a night like tonight is just fucking perfect. I actually wish I could bottle it and sell it. 

This feeling; the smells and sounds of a home and hearth filled with safety and Love and manaakitanga. 

If I could share this magic, I suspect nobody would bother being greedy or committing any crime ever. War and famine would cease to exist because we’d all have full hearts and bellies and be dripping with gratitude and basking in the awe that comes when we can hear birdsong, rustling leaves and a babbling brook that winds her way by our snuggly Scandinavian style house. My cat is still a total asshole, but even he gets smoochie when we are up here.

Sharing this feeling has become something of an obsession. 

This place has been the epicenter of the healing journeys for Damon and myself, and our small but fiercely loyal team have found safety and joy here as well. It’s a huge honour to be able to share this magic with friends and strangers from around the globe with our two eco-tourism offerings.

Just five or six years ago, not a force on earth or across the heavens above could have convinced me that this feeling could or would ever be possible. Life and Love were transactional and steeped in trauma responses. 

Back then, there was only just enough bandwidth to survive. Today, and every day, even the shitty ones, I thrive.

This blissed out and totally self-determining existence has lifted me to a level of energy, focus and optimism that guides me to want to lift anyone and everyone to the solid ground I currently stand on. Pretty certain that I used to be kind and generous because I was desperate for people to like me. Today, I give less than no fucks when people don’t like me. I might even like it.

Scratch that.

I actually fucking LOVE it when people I can’t or don’t respect do not like me. Means I am on the right track. But even those cockwombles would be welcome with open arms if they really truly wanted to be close to nature and connect with the best parts of themselves here at the farm or through any of the work/outreach/community we are intending to nourish.

A long time ago, Damon and I were doing strategy work for our brand new baby business. We had to identify goals, risks, values, vision… you all know how it goes. During all that brain-storming, bluesky-ing, and sparkling embryonic we came up with a few seriously fucking solid points.

  1. Have fun, fail fast, feel joy, try new and cool shit often and with childlike wonder and abandon
  2. Biodiversity and respect for nature are integral to everything we do
  3. We want to act as and create a place that is an energetic lightening rod for hope, innovation, diversity and joy
  4. Profit, while inarguably important to be self-sustaining will NEVER be our primary driver
  5. Delight people 

There were more little sparks of genius and joy we wrote down but those are some from the top of my head and the fifth point is probably my favourite, and the reason for this blog.

We literally bop around the planet just having fun and delighting people. We leave fantastic reviews at hotels and restaurants, and gently suggest changes or improvements in private feedback for hosts and business owners who are clearly making an effort. We also lay some serious smack down if we stumble across a truly awful experience. This is rare.

The reason this blog is getting written is although we aim to delight as we bounce around being chipper and cheerful and encouraging, sometimes we just fuck shit up. An example of this happened while we were running errands in Newmarket before coming up to the farm.

As many of you know, we have a moody Tesla Model X named LOLGAS. She’s been at the forefront of the rEVolution, but has been mostly retired as a work horse on the farm and ferrying kids. Something is almost ALWAYS broken on her. Her current quirk is flinging the passenger side door open violently with extreme force – less than ideal! 

This flinging resulted in a noticeable dent being planted on a car parked next to us at the 277 carpark. We left a note explaining the situation and our phone number on the windscreen of the car we dinged and then we rang Tesla to check in for a fix as this current bug is a genuine hazard and needs to be fixed. 

Later that evening we got a call from a stranger. A lovely human named Peter called us about the ding. Turned out it was his daughter’s car, they had no intention of seeking compensation, but wanted to call to say that the fact we had left a note really touched them and that they hugely appreciated that. Damon and him then ended up having a wonderful chat about karma and gratitude and everyone left the moment feeling a bit more hopeful about the human cause and trajectory. 

Delightful. And we were delighted to be delighted by the stranger who made the effort to phone us and tell us he was delighted that we are on this journey of delighting others.

This story could have ended very differently. The fact it was so delightful made me want to share the whole story, including the warm glow of calm and comfort that I felt as I wrote this.

Have a delightful day.

Thanks for reading.

She’s A Witch

When it comes to everyone’s spirituality and their own personal journey, I am deeply curious and sincerely respectful of nearly any or all other people’s paths and decisions in these regards.

How my Spiritual Journey Began 

I grew up in a staunch conservative Lutheran tradition and also observed and attended French Canadian Catholic tradition throughout my formative years.  

Pretty safe to say, the regular church going folk did not generally like or accept me.  There was one pastor who held out some hope and noted my rather obvious lack of enthusiasm for organized traditional Western religion.  He also bought into the shared rhetoric that I was a hopeless good-for-nothing black sheep who would never amount to anything.  Sigh.  Such a common story shared about sparkly, irrepressible, hopeful (often neuro-spicy) souls, by people who actively yearn to control and manipulate rather than Love or understand them.  In my case, this narrative was actively built and shared by my now estranged biological mother.  She’s got her baggage but her actions and activities were then, and remain now, deplorable and unforgivable.  

I’ve got no beef with the pastor though.  He was a young, relatively hip pastor with a guitar and a pretty wife and a couple of young kids.  Poor fella was sent to the back end of nowhere in Tomahawk Alberta on ministry.  He would have been (rather reasonably I now feel) utterly confounded and often annoyed by me.  I did not then, and nor will I ever wish him any ill.  He likely thought he meant well.

I had three years of confirmation classes with hip young Pastor Steve, and my cousin Jocelyn and a lovely girl named Desiree.  Both of them went on to marry childhood sweethearts and thrive in and around the area we all grew up.  We met on Tuesdays after school to be confirmed at the age of 14.  Each of us were given a verse from the bible to guide us on our personal and spiritual journey through life.  

The verse given to me was from the second book of Timothy, Chapter one, verse seven.   I suspect because I have always been observed to lack self-control.

2nd Timothy 1:7 – English Standard Version (ESV)

 for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control

Rather lovely sentiment as I look back on it more than three decades later.  All this played out about the same time I was first diagnosed with rather raging ADHD.  I was acknowledged earlier than most as neuro spicy.  It was well before society, especially in a rural nowhere Alberta in the 1990’s had caught up to neurodiversity or systematic family trauma exacerbated by fear mongering conservative protestant ideologies.  

Christianity filled me with fear, self-loathing, and so many questions.  The book of Job sent me on a tail spin and is probably the nail in the coffin where my attachment to or interest in pursuing Christian spirituality ended.  I held on for a long time to try and win the impossible prize of my parents’ (particularly my dad) acceptance.  

It has been many years now since I have removed most of my family from my life, and there is not a moment of regret surrounding that decision.  The toxicity, manipulation and abuse they so willingly and actively subjected me to finally came to a head in 2018.  My life, mental health, and general happiness has taken a consistent upward trajectory since cutting my white trash parents loose.  My only regret is not doing it sooner.

Broad Thoughts On Spirituality and Religion Currently

So here we are in 2024.

I have always been fascinated by the mysteries and power of the natural and super-natural world.  Spiritual and moral teachings from Buddhism, Shamanism, Animalism, Judaism, Islam, Hinduism, Sikhism, Occultism, Wicca, and countless other philosophies and traditions have resonated with and fascinated me with every happenchance or actively pursued exposure.  

The foundations of faith, community, curiosity and seeking understanding of the natural and supernatural world have vast potential.  These things can be enriching and unifying forces in the lives of individuals and among communities.  Belief in a benevolent force or order in the universe can and often does imbue hope in times of grief, struggle and uncertainty.  

The dark side of spirituality (religion more than spirituality I’d argue) is very dark indeed. We’ve too often observed the proliferation of hate, ignorance, bigotry, fear, and arrogance… the point of war, holocaust, destruction, exploitation and many other violent atrocities.  

Not. Okay.

We do not need to give that fuckery any further oxygen for the purposes of this blog.  We’ve all witnessed or even experienced horrors in the name of religious ideologies.  If you are reading this, I suspect you are as deeply and decidedly disgusted by all of that as most rational people are.

Goodness – Across All Beliefs Can Look Something Like This

It is encouraging to hold tight to the hope that most people are actually good.  Some are REALLY fucking good.  I hope you know some of these people.  Regardless of their spiritual or religious beliefs and ideologies they do tend to exhibit the following attributes:

  • Not judgmental.  If they do form ideas and opinions they are based more on fact and tacit observation than conjecture or hearsay. These are the kind of people who either innately or academically understand the complex trappings of cognitive bias and guard themselves from falling down rabbit holes or believing in rumours or conjecture.  They lean frequently toward hoping people and situations are either positive or, at least benign and do not tend to be involved with or fall prey to catastrophizing or scandal.
  • Honest. Being honest in a world so loaded with pretty little and horrifically huge lies and conjecture is an impressive act of integrity indeed.  The truth is not always easy or convenient or fun, and choosing the truth for yourself and insisting on a level of honesty in others may end in some level of isolation when we are fed so many lies. When you are consistently honest and actively choose not to engage with lies and scandals the people who are drawn to you will almost certainly be good people.  Lies can be fun to some, but honesty plays the long game and is a brave and important choice indeed.
  • Connected.  People who passionately and tireless contribute and create are very fucking cool. Connection and encouragement in our immediate environment, communities and in the cosmos is inevitable.  We are all connected whether we like and/or admit it or not.  Choosing to be a conduit of connection, safety, scaffolding, security, and strength makes every connection through the universe stronger.  Choosing to sever or destroy weakens shit. There’s physics principles that back that shit up, but it’s bigger and more fruity and spiritual than that too. You needn’t be an influencer or leader to be a conduit for creativity and connection, you just have to invite the right people and energy in and share strengthened connection if/when and how you feel safe doing so.  That’s connection.  You know it when you are building them.  And it feels great.
  • Empathetic.  Really good humans can place themselves in others’ shoes and generally and genuinely DO NOT enjoy others’ pain or struggles.  They can also actively and genuinely get off-the-chain excited to see someone else shine.
  • Generous.  Generosity shows up in many different ways.  For example, someone who may be quite frugal with cash and resources yet still munificent with time, encouragement or sharing knowledge or networks, is still absolutely generous.  Humans will guard or restrict different things for different reasons, yet generosity is a clear and consistent belief held by some lovely people that they are made richer, wiser and better through sharing with the world around them.  It is by giving that they receive and it is a beautiful thing.
  • Curious.  Don’t you just find people who are genuinely curious about things absolutely delicious for your spirit and mind?  People who geek out together fill me with hope and joy.  People who seek knowledge and understanding and don’t act as though they know everything are proper spiritually fit IMHO.  When folks want to know how and why things are the way they are and are willing to change opinions… well they are pretty great I reckon.  People who crave information or connection for self-serving purposes rather than curiosity lack that magic.  
  • Hopeful.  Eeyore is who he is, and his schtick is to always assume the worst to avoid disappointment.  There’s something beautiful and quaint about him and people like him, but there’s something contagious about both hopeful optimism and defeatist pessimism.  People who have a knack of seeing problems as opportunities and failures as learnings, well those people are yummy and I am always drawn to them and their magic.
  • Joyful.  Laughter and lightening up situations is not always appropriate.  We all run out of joy and need to embrace shadows sometimes.  But let’s face it, someone who is inclined to actually glimmer and pulsate with joy and wonder will infect every living thing around them when they let that joy just explode.  Think about how you feel watching soppy joyful proposal videos or being at a really great wedding where the couple exude a huge and inclusive bubble of delight and promise.  That shit is real and some people are just really good at amplifying it in all kinds of situations.
  • Fun.  Life can and should be fun sometimes.  People who allow and encourage themselves and others to have fun are great.
  • Authentic.  Real tears.  Real anger.  Real sadness.  Real joy.  Really real good days and bad ones too. Someone who trusts and respects me enough to cancel a plan or show up and be a grump if that’s what they need is a person I can cherish.  
  • Vulnerable.  People who try to appear infallible or hope to exude a sense that they know more, or are in any way better than others are exhausting and boring.  We are all seriously fucking complicated, scary, and messy.  Being able to admit mistakes and actively strut their bravery through vulnerability are my kind of people.  We all fuck up, we all shine sometimes.  It’s part of the journey.  The right people will respect and protect your vulnerability and the wrong ones will have their karma if they kick someone when they are down.  We’re more alike than we think, and being vulnerable is an incredibly unifying force.
  • Self-Aware.  As the beloved goddess Maya Angelou said:  “Do the best you can with what you know.  Then, when you know better, do better.”  People who actively want to be a better version of themselves and try to understand how and why they go through the world and how that affects others are magical creatures indeed.  Radical responsibility for our own actions is hard and we all have to face some ugly shit about ourselves from time to time.  It is a journey well worth taking though.
  • Brave – This is a big one.  I believe that holding true to your core spiritual beliefs no matter what they are is already an act of bravery these days.  Whatever your faith or even if you choose not to observe any faith and prefer an Athiest perspective, you will be judged by many (probably most) and welcomed by some and shunned by others.  People who are truly secure in themselves and their spiritual journey will not see different ideas or beliefs as a threat.  Being brave spiritually runs in both directions.  You must bravely nurture and evolve in your own knowledge and faith.  Equally as important – you really ought to be able to both leave others to their own spiritual journey and wish them well, but also to be willing to share and amplify your own knowledge and experience if people come to you for guidance.  

So Why Choose to be Witchy?

Oh my… so many reasons.  I have always been a witch. I have always had witchy sense (intuition) and a marked track record for manifesting.  This, I think, is a whole new blog for a whole new day and I am tired of writing so suspect you are tired of reading.

Guess the main reasons I will expand upon if you care to hear are this:

  1. It is a faith/practice deeply steeped in honouring feminine energy and power
  2. It freaks out the right kind of people who really wouldn’t enjoy me or my energy very much anyway, so that’s pretty cool
  3. There is a foundational belief in my personal practice that we are all connected in the web of life.  I mean ALL.  Every living thing, every element, every action and intent is flowing through the universe and to harm anyone or anything is to harm ourselves.
  4. I like what many would identify as witchy aesthetic, always have.
  5. CANDLES!  Gosh I have never had so many candles in my life as this past five years and I am certain I am happier for it.
  6. Nature/The Oracle are my guides (what other religions call God or Allah or the Great Spaghetti Monster etc.)
  7. Being accused of being a witch was (and possibly is) a very bad thing to some scary main-stream, fascist, and misogynistic and dangerous components of society.  I guess I’d much rather be considered “bad” for being kind, curious, inclusive, a lightening rod for diversity and hope, and connected to nature and an intelligent and encouraging community.  I am okay being bad to people who are acting deplorably in a world that craves healing and connection.  I know I am not perfect, but I know I am good.  Being a witch is a flag I fly to signal that to the world around me.
  8. And finally, and perhaps most importantly, I believe in magic.

Toiled Delightfully Through Tuesday

Bright Sides Glimmering Everywhere – Despite or Perhaps Because of My Raging ADHD?

So I have been known to create my own crisis/tension from time to time as this state is where my neuro-divergent self seriously gets shining…

Think I will start by saying thanks to you Wickedly Wonderful Witches who slipped into my DMs today.  And the lovely, patient women who keep in contact through the years on social media or IRL. My Coven really delivered some serious safe and magical vibes as I bopped around the city not doing the things I ought to be doing.

Today was a Tuesday.  

Day started a bit wobbly… I am feeling like an asshole because I am overdue for uploading/sharing the top ten for the photo comp I ran (rather successfully might I add!) in April.

I am so bad at deadlines.  So. Fucking. Unbelievably bad.  

HOWEVER…

Avoiding doing things I ought to be doing has always been a magical wonderland where I am a fucking weapon at doing other, unrelated tasks.  

Today I was a machine.  

Arranged house-sitting and childcare situation for the month of November.  The cat and our house are going to be absolutely pampered while Damon and I are pinching ourselves hiking through the Himalayas in the private and mysterious Kingdom of Bhutan. 

Op-shopped up a storm and scored a bunch of bargains at the Habitat for Humanity store in Wairau.  I picked up a proper (slightly scuffed but fit a treat) pair of Christian Loubouton sparkly heels.  I will likely never own another pair, and these were a proper Cinderella moment.  Ridiculous amount of money, but I am frugal as fuck with the shoe situation most of the time, and the money goes to a charity I actually admire, so… WINNING!  

I also found a delightful designer bag for one of my besties who just got a new job and needs to slay all day while she is well on her way.  

I’ve also been manifesting the perfect rain jacket and asking the Oracle to help me find this elusive item.  Today, she delivered and I got a shiny/sparkly deep red rain jacket that fit me beautifully for a cool $20.  I am gonna wear the absolute SHIT out of this jacket.  It is perfect.

Surprise! It’s Red…

Long luxurious chats with a few of my fave goddesses about serious witchy life stuff on the DMs all day.  It’s all proper private chatham house rules topics so I won’t share cause it’s none-o-yo-b’ness… suffice to say the synchronicity between us was and is kinda exquisite.  I don’t have many friends at this stage of my journey, but I sure do Love and appreciate the handful that have held on and proven they are trustworthy and true.  

Also went in to renew Registration on our teeny tiny city sized i3.  That’s an electric car for those who don’t recognise the term i3.  Her name is D33M0N – which is of course my name and my wife’s name squished together.  DEE and daMON –  and it’s also the name of our growing and UNBELIEVABLY fun and rewarding company.  Gonna be a hot minute before the place is humming along in profitability zone without us, but it is an absolute joy most of the time.  Wish everyone could Love their job as much as we do the farm and the eco-retreat. There would be no war, no crime, everyone would just be chill hanging with their chickens and listening to the bananas grow.  Or whatever version of that fills them with as much joy as our tiny slice of paradise brings us and our team.

Paid the RUC’s (Road User Charges) for both D33M0N and LOLGAS.  $743 for 10,000km for those who were wondering what the chargers are.  I do not mind paying road user charges but I do vehemently resent paying the same amount as planet fucking, particulate matter spewing diesel disasters are charged.  That is some serious bullshit right there, and exactly the kind of inane and completely ill-advised bollocks I have come to expect from our current cluster fuck of a political administration.  Truly confounding.  

Ordered three cheapo pairs of spectacles from Oscar Wylee (3 pairs $300… the rate at which I lose glasses I cannot justify spending more).

Got call from school nurse Steph’s still not feeling great and today was her fourth day off school.  The school nurse was a sweetheart and agreed Princess Stephanie needs another day to rest tomorrow.  This feels pretty okay considering she’s got most of the years required credits (with excellence) and is already applying for universities here, in Australia and Canada.

Organised THREE belated birthday dinners out this week and next.  Have also committed to doing some weird early morning exercise situation in Matakana with Sarah on Monday morning first thing.  Oracle preserve me I am a little scared!

Shopped for groceries, popped dinner on (roast chicken marinated overnight in oat milk and herbs and spices, highly HIGHLY recommend this recipe… so tender!), video call with the chair of my trust (an elusive but utterly divine goddess… sadly our paths won’t cross now until July as we are all so freaking busy!) 

Fed kids, admired our array of happy healthy pot plants (I never had a tidy, safe, calm home or pot plants ever in my life until I moved in with my domestic goddess wife), and was curled up in my jammies by 6:30pm.

AND THEN…

I wrote this blog.

Had no idea what an incredibly busy (and actually painfully expensive thanks to licensing and registration fees) and pleasantly productive day I had until I started writing.

Damon in his super cool 90s sweater

And how utterly blessed I feel to be surrounded by a safe, warm, calm environment.  My joy tonight was bubbling over as I chatted with happy, funny, open, and grateful kids.  Gosh they are far more settled and self-refelctive than I was at their ages.  Perhaps even more than I am now.  

Then came the obligatory pats for our needy three-legged rescue cat.  His name is Benedict Cumbercat and he is actually a total asshole but we adore him.  Tonight also saw me swept up in a moment where I very nearly wept with joy surveying our warm tidy living room full of healthy pot plants and witchy herbs thriving in their eclectic pots I have collected through op-shopping expeditions.

My delight dill!!!
In bed by 6:30 ftw 🙌

Not even a fraction of these rather wonderful things would have happened today if I wasn’t well and truly tied up in absolute knots about my earth day photo competition dilemma.  I must honour those who entered and share the finalists.  And I will.  And it will feel pretty good I hope.

But, for now, I’m just going to tuck in my ten year old and then slip off into a peaceful slumber thinking about all the big and little things that made today rather magical.

Just Keen to be Kinda Grouchy – It’s Tradition

Birthdays are definitely not my fave. Well, mine is not. Other people who like their birthday are pretty cute and it is lovely to see people happy, as joy is fleeting for all of us. Glimmers of hope and contentedness are really important and I eat them up whenever they present themselves. My birthday though. Just ick.

My poor, lovely, dedicated, doting, adoring, beautiful wife Damon is confused and uncomfortable watching me do my annual dance of moody mumbling and feeling angry and sorry for myself on the 28th of April.

Last year we got stuck in a fierce storm with sideways rain and huge gusts of wind on a four hour walk in a national park in Tasmania. That whole scene suited my mood and being out in the forest with wombats and wild weather was actually really great.

Getting older is also something I consider quite fantastic. The number of fucks given about what people think of me or do with their own lives is pretty minimal. I still have the time, energy and inclination to champion and cheer for brave, lovely, wonderful humans I am lucky enough to have crossed paths with. Generally though, I really prefer to be left the fuck alone the majority of the time. People are lovely, but complicated and difficult and I don’t understand most people or what they do or why they do it.

So moving into this my 46th year, I am poised on the precipice of some pretty major decisions that are being made without my input, guidance or approval. That’s probably the case for most humans in the Western world. SO much shit is just completely out of our control. That means it is important and empowering to own and manage the shit we do have control over.

For me, it is to whom and how I devote time and energy. Turns out, I really like seeing people evolve and be brave and feel empowered. I also like getting the fuck out of their way and letting them shine. This year, I particularly like giving people money or opportunities for doing brave and creative stuff. That manifests in art or endeavours we purchase, fund, pay for or commission. It has also culminated in creative competitions we fund, projects and improvements on the farm and doing our level best to be fair and reasonable with our contractors and employees, and any range of anonymous support we give to friends and strangers as we meander through our lives. I can’t fix the world, but I can encourage people to be brave enough to fly or fail and cheer them on and hold them gently when they get the wobbles while they are in my orbit.

I have also learned, the hard way, that trying to help or sticking my neck out can backfire spectacularly and it is not my job to make people be better or kinder and I cannot rescue anyone. People have to rescue themselves. I can be supportive and gentle in people’s most vulnerable moments if I am in their orbit, and it is an honour and privilege to try to be that softness in a very tough world to some people at some points. But, it’s forever nagging at me in moments of kindness and vulnerability that I’ve been the bitten hand that feeds far too many horrible humans. So, mostly I try my best and keep myself to myself and that’s working out pretty well.

I like me. I am funny, loyal, adventurous, encouraging and try to be honest with myself and others. And generally, I do my level best to not be a nasty, evil, opportunistic or greedy piece of shit in a world where horribleness seems to be thriving. The world makes me sad and tired a lot. But there’s also so much magic and mayhem and wonder and I am here for all of that. But I need long and luxurious periods without having to deal with people because people have been plenty awful in my experience, and I don’t have the bandwidth to fuck around and find out anymore.

So today, all I care to do is meander around the city of Sydney, as this is where we chose to come to hide away as tourists for my 46th birthday.

Also, today we have chosen three more spot prizes for the creative content competition we launched at the beginning of April. Honouring the submissions and sharing the top ten is something that is turning out to be a mountain of work, and it is yet to be determined if it is a worthy endeavour that we intend to grow/continue next year.

I need to launch and protect my plans for the Persephone Foundation, which will be a fully self-funded attempt to empower and encourage women to sparkle and Love themselves through this crazy fucked up ride that is life. Not a charity, but a legacy. And a continuation of work I have been doing and flying or failing at for as long as I can remember. I have a compulsion to help. But the need for self preservation can make helping a complicated and harrowing proposition at times – well at least for me.

Who knows how many more turns around the sun any of us have left? Indeed who even knows what tomorrow has in store for us as individuals or humanity in general! I am tired just thinking about all the things that are wrong with me and the world right now, but absolutely amped to be alive and living, breathing, laughing, crying, failing, trying, traveling, eating, meeting and just all the magical and mundane things that make up my incredible life. Therein lies the great paradox of my existence presently – which may partly explain my fascination with the Greek Goddess Persephone. Dragged to the underworld by her overly enthusiastic Uncle Hades, Persephone lived both between the underworld and the light as the Goddess of Harvest and Fertility. Half the time she lived in light and abundance, the rest of the time she spent with the dead. Somehow she made both these existences work for her and ended up being greatly loved and appreciated within the Greek Mytholical canon. Quite a paradoxical figure indeed.

I’m not actually comparing myself with Persephone, but I can relate. Indeed so many times, including 8 years ago, and then again 6 years ago on this exact day, my only wish was to disappear in very real and permanent terms. I smiled through incredible and relentless pain and suffering and lived a life posting highlight reels and great pictures of my completely fucking broken damned self. I was openly and readily available to be thrown under any bus and exploited by any opportunistic piece of shit who crossed my path. Seeing the best in everyone and desperately seeking validation broke me and I’ll never feel safe or trust anyone the way I once did after being kicked so many times when I was down.

But I got back up. And I hope the same for everyone and anyone else. Not just people I like, I seriously wish growth and greatness for people who have pissed me off. Just need the to be a safe and considerable distance from me and my safe and happy life while they learn their lessons and grow into better people. Nobody gets a second chance to truly piss me off. But I don’t wish anyone harm and I’ll never engage in revenge or enjoy another person’s suffering. Wait… sometimes when karma hits someone who has been a proper piece of shit, it does feel pretty okay from a safe distance to see that all happen. Nothing too nasty though.

Today, I am just so grateful to be free from the relentless sadness of trying my best to protect and please a pack of truly awful people who ought to have appreciated and protected me. Today toxic people and situations are kicked to the curb and not many people have access to me and that has allowed me to feel safe and empowered. I don’t know where you are while you read this, but if you are good, keep that shit up. If you are struggling, keep going. I don’t know much, but I do know that everything, even incredible pain does end, and being on the other side of suffering, whatever the cause, is a bittersweet but brilliant peace. I wish you peace and glimmers of hope and joy today and every day. And I wish the same for my imperfect but optimistic and ageing self. And like Persephone, whether you feel you are in a cycle of being in the underworld or the light – may you make that work and take what you need to be the best version of you you can be.

Thanks for reading.