Birthdays are definitely not my fave. Well, mine is not. Other people who like their birthday are pretty cute and it is lovely to see people happy, as joy is fleeting for all of us. Glimmers of hope and contentedness are really important and I eat them up whenever they present themselves. My birthday though. Just ick.

My poor, lovely, dedicated, doting, adoring, beautiful wife Damon is confused and uncomfortable watching me do my annual dance of moody mumbling and feeling angry and sorry for myself on the 28th of April.

Last year we got stuck in a fierce storm with sideways rain and huge gusts of wind on a four hour walk in a national park in Tasmania. That whole scene suited my mood and being out in the forest with wombats and wild weather was actually really great.

Getting older is also something I consider quite fantastic. The number of fucks given about what people think of me or do with their own lives is pretty minimal. I still have the time, energy and inclination to champion and cheer for brave, lovely, wonderful humans I am lucky enough to have crossed paths with. Generally though, I really prefer to be left the fuck alone the majority of the time. People are lovely, but complicated and difficult and I don’t understand most people or what they do or why they do it.

So moving into this my 46th year, I am poised on the precipice of some pretty major decisions that are being made without my input, guidance or approval. That’s probably the case for most humans in the Western world. SO much shit is just completely out of our control. That means it is important and empowering to own and manage the shit we do have control over.

For me, it is to whom and how I devote time and energy. Turns out, I really like seeing people evolve and be brave and feel empowered. I also like getting the fuck out of their way and letting them shine. This year, I particularly like giving people money or opportunities for doing brave and creative stuff. That manifests in art or endeavours we purchase, fund, pay for or commission. It has also culminated in creative competitions we fund, projects and improvements on the farm and doing our level best to be fair and reasonable with our contractors and employees, and any range of anonymous support we give to friends and strangers as we meander through our lives. I can’t fix the world, but I can encourage people to be brave enough to fly or fail and cheer them on and hold them gently when they get the wobbles while they are in my orbit.

I have also learned, the hard way, that trying to help or sticking my neck out can backfire spectacularly and it is not my job to make people be better or kinder and I cannot rescue anyone. People have to rescue themselves. I can be supportive and gentle in people’s most vulnerable moments if I am in their orbit, and it is an honour and privilege to try to be that softness in a very tough world to some people at some points. But, it’s forever nagging at me in moments of kindness and vulnerability that I’ve been the bitten hand that feeds far too many horrible humans. So, mostly I try my best and keep myself to myself and that’s working out pretty well.

I like me. I am funny, loyal, adventurous, encouraging and try to be honest with myself and others. And generally, I do my level best to not be a nasty, evil, opportunistic or greedy piece of shit in a world where horribleness seems to be thriving. The world makes me sad and tired a lot. But there’s also so much magic and mayhem and wonder and I am here for all of that. But I need long and luxurious periods without having to deal with people because people have been plenty awful in my experience, and I don’t have the bandwidth to fuck around and find out anymore.

So today, all I care to do is meander around the city of Sydney, as this is where we chose to come to hide away as tourists for my 46th birthday.

Also, today we have chosen three more spot prizes for the creative content competition we launched at the beginning of April. Honouring the submissions and sharing the top ten is something that is turning out to be a mountain of work, and it is yet to be determined if it is a worthy endeavour that we intend to grow/continue next year.

I need to launch and protect my plans for the Persephone Foundation, which will be a fully self-funded attempt to empower and encourage women to sparkle and Love themselves through this crazy fucked up ride that is life. Not a charity, but a legacy. And a continuation of work I have been doing and flying or failing at for as long as I can remember. I have a compulsion to help. But the need for self preservation can make helping a complicated and harrowing proposition at times – well at least for me.

Who knows how many more turns around the sun any of us have left? Indeed who even knows what tomorrow has in store for us as individuals or humanity in general! I am tired just thinking about all the things that are wrong with me and the world right now, but absolutely amped to be alive and living, breathing, laughing, crying, failing, trying, traveling, eating, meeting and just all the magical and mundane things that make up my incredible life. Therein lies the great paradox of my existence presently – which may partly explain my fascination with the Greek Goddess Persephone. Dragged to the underworld by her overly enthusiastic Uncle Hades, Persephone lived both between the underworld and the light as the Goddess of Harvest and Fertility. Half the time she lived in light and abundance, the rest of the time she spent with the dead. Somehow she made both these existences work for her and ended up being greatly loved and appreciated within the Greek Mytholical canon. Quite a paradoxical figure indeed.

I’m not actually comparing myself with Persephone, but I can relate. Indeed so many times, including 8 years ago, and then again 6 years ago on this exact day, my only wish was to disappear in very real and permanent terms. I smiled through incredible and relentless pain and suffering and lived a life posting highlight reels and great pictures of my completely fucking broken damned self. I was openly and readily available to be thrown under any bus and exploited by any opportunistic piece of shit who crossed my path. Seeing the best in everyone and desperately seeking validation broke me and I’ll never feel safe or trust anyone the way I once did after being kicked so many times when I was down.

But I got back up. And I hope the same for everyone and anyone else. Not just people I like, I seriously wish growth and greatness for people who have pissed me off. Just need the to be a safe and considerable distance from me and my safe and happy life while they learn their lessons and grow into better people. Nobody gets a second chance to truly piss me off. But I don’t wish anyone harm and I’ll never engage in revenge or enjoy another person’s suffering. Wait… sometimes when karma hits someone who has been a proper piece of shit, it does feel pretty okay from a safe distance to see that all happen. Nothing too nasty though.

Today, I am just so grateful to be free from the relentless sadness of trying my best to protect and please a pack of truly awful people who ought to have appreciated and protected me. Today toxic people and situations are kicked to the curb and not many people have access to me and that has allowed me to feel safe and empowered. I don’t know where you are while you read this, but if you are good, keep that shit up. If you are struggling, keep going. I don’t know much, but I do know that everything, even incredible pain does end, and being on the other side of suffering, whatever the cause, is a bittersweet but brilliant peace. I wish you peace and glimmers of hope and joy today and every day. And I wish the same for my imperfect but optimistic and ageing self. And like Persephone, whether you feel you are in a cycle of being in the underworld or the light – may you make that work and take what you need to be the best version of you you can be.

Thanks for reading.