Holy shit the dating data that comes in from my tribe leaves me staring blankly at my screen muttering “what the actual fuck…” with alarming frequency.
One of the kindest, coolest, calmest, wittiest and most beautiful women you’re ever going to meet just posted on her story that some bullshit storm of truly sad and pathetic human messaged her saying:
“I’ve started talking to someone prettier than you, so I am going to chase her now.”
What a very special flavour of despicable that dipshit clearly is. This woman lost her truest, smartest, kindest and most wonderful soulmate to cancer a few years ago and it has taken incredible courage for her gentle and tender heart to heal up enough to get back in the ring. I am absolutely fucking fuming just thinking that there are people this terrible, but also incredibly pleased she’s clearly dodged a bullet. What. An. Asshole.
Clearly, I wrote to her that very moment I read it, reminding her she is a beyond beautiful and a powerful goddess and I Love her very much. But oof it felt like someone punched me in the heart reading that and remembering being in the occasionally terrifying trenches of tinder or the drifts and doldrums of chats and then dates. Strangely, I pine for parts of the delirious dance since settling down in a magnificently monogamous relationship. Then I re-calibrate my remembering machine (brain) and I remember more clearly the clusterfucks and chaos. Some of which changed me forever in unimaginably great ways, and some were just plain awful and left somebody (sometimes me, sometimes them) crying for days.
My partner and I did not meet online, we had known each other through sustainability circles and mutual friends for close to a decade, and lucky for my undeniably crazy ass he is a very patient man and sat squarely on the sidelines for a few years after he found himself single again. One rather unremarkable Wednesday evening found him in my house and it wasn’t too many months after that August evening he moved in and never left.
We can’t swap stories of our online dating adventures, he has no stories and would rather not hear about my adventures. That’s fair, but sometimes I worry he might have missed out. He vehemently disagrees.
So, if you are like so many people who have found themselves single, recently or for some stretch of time, can I please share a few learnings from dating disasters and delights? It’s a snake pit out there, but there are lovely, kind, wonderful not snake like individuals navigating dating just like you, and seeking something much more sacred than a one night stand. Or, maybe not. You gotta decide what you’re looking for and manifest that shit like a boss… I loved and hated dating so much. Here is just a handful of hints to helping protect your heart and save you some precious time.
- Instincts
You have them, we all do. Hear them! If you feel something is not quite right, remove yourself from the situation and stay gone. If you’re feeling like you’re vibing, check in with the other. Even this can still be dangerous territory as you will absolutely happen across players and narcissists who say what they think you want to hear to get into the proximity they wanna be (in your pants). Take your time whatever you do and don’t let anyone know where you live or work until you have done enough mutual background checking and you feel safe to do so.
If you’re just looking for some light distraction and entertainment and your spidey sense starts tingling that the person you’re chatting with might be angling for more, you gotta check that before you wreck them.
Instincts. We all got ‘em. Listen and act accordingly.
- Meet first in crowded and safe public place
Clearly most people know the drill here. You must do face to face meet and greet before venturing beyond the digital realm, and please ALWAYS meet in a neutral, well lit, and preferably crowded location before seeing someone in private. Terrifically trendy coffee shops or cafes with great outdoor seating are an ideal place to scope out the talent.
- Be honest
Whenever you are with anyone, and for however long you spend dating, you will save yourself and others a lot of heartache and frustration if you are clear and concise from the very beginning. Be honest with yourself and those you meet about what you are looking for and your expectations. If you want a relationship, say so. If you aren’t ready, let people know. You’ll need to check in with some regularity if you are dating someone often or for extended lengths of time. Situations and feeling change, keep ahead of confusion by having regular check ins on where you are both at and how you are both feeling.
- Have fun
I highly recommend you venture into the realm of dating with the understanding it’s a numbers game, like most things. You will not meet your perfect match immediately no matter how much you’ve manifested it, and feelings very rarely flow freely and equally in both directions. I would strongly implore you to look at the whole thing lightly, and hope you meet a friend or two and learn a lot about other people. Mostly though, you gotta get out there and try stuff so you can learn more about you! You are so infinitely and powerfully important and worthy of respect and Love. I have made some genuinely wonderful friends on dating adventures. Clearly, some of which became more than friends for a reason or a season, some of them we lacked the spark or opportunity, but I check in with a handful of them and many are happily coupled now while some are keenly enjoying their singledom in perpetuity as I knew they were destined to do.
- Walk when it’s done
I had, and occasionally continue to have difficulty with this one. I said earlier that feelings don’t always flow equally in both directions, well, I’ve been guilty of not being able to take a hint and carrying on contacting a few former “friends” when it served neither of us to do so. Going back to the very first point I made, your instinct will let you know if a situation is safe or if it is shitty, so listen to that gut. And ffs make a blanket rule NO DRUNK TEXTING regardless of the situation because that is just nasty and you gonna feel a fool when that bottle of Sauv works it way through your system and you read back. Eat a cracker and stop. Do NOT chase people. Move on and be strong like the fierce fiery creature of creativity and kindness you are destined to be.
- Love YOU because YOU are magnificent
You are beautiful, perfect, funny, feisty, fabulous and absolutely wonderful in the eyes of a soulmate or kindred friends you will meet in this life. There will be those who are able to see you for the beautiful you that you are, and there will be blind idiots who completely miss the point. That’s fine, they don’t deserve your magic anyway! Don’t get yourself out there and online until you truly know this shit. Seriously, if you are looking for validation this is not the place to find it. Also, make sure you have the Love and support of some seriously sturdy friends who will hug you when your heart hurts and listen to your adventures in dating and laugh loud and long at the misses and high five you when you hit some lofty heights. Not every catch up will create sparks, and not everyone is going to call you back. That’s cool, you don’t need dipshits in your life, so if you are hoping for something that doesn’t happen, just do your hair toss and check those nails because soon enough you’ll be back to feeling good as hell.
There’s a lot more advice I could/would give you but I gotta head out to dinner and then back to scrub more grout to get my sweetheart’s house ready for sale. Plan to be in bed before 9:30 like most evenings since my last messy breakdown. Life’s a piece of shit sometimes, and we all have to pick ourselves up and brush ourselves off and keep going. But only when you’re ready! Don’t give up on you, you can totally give up on dating, but you are absolutely perfect, and nobody really knows how, where or when the right people will see that perfection, but it will happen and it could last a magical moment or the rest of your life. With or without a partner, you gotta know that you are a fucking absolute star, I know that you are. So, there’s my dating blog.
Thanks for Reading.
Ps. Love you Em, fuck that guy he was a total dickhead you’re much better off.