It is About Them, Not You…

I got some EXCELLENT advice today.


Short backstory:  Feeling a bit sad and perhaps slightly defeated because mean/dishonest/greedy bullshit creeps in no matter how hard I try to be wary of such clusterfucks and avoid them.  So there’s that sprinkled with a healthy seasoning of “No Good Deed Goes Unpunished”as I feel the guilts build up while I shuffle responsibilities around so I can spend more time with my young family.

Anyway. Boring shit really.

The advice was this:

“When someone fucks you over, it is on them, you don’t have to wear that shit cause it’s heavy and you’ve got better things to do.”


A small kick in the teeth that was welcome beyond belief.

So here’s the thing.  People are people.  They are good, they are bad.  Some are just inherently bottom feeders that actively and knowingly do dumb shit like put money or power above kindness, community, integrity, or care.  They’ll have a woeful row to hoe though.  WOW, check that rhyme kids!  Didn’t even mean to do that.


Here’s an observation that I will share with you for free:

Good people are EVERYWHERE!  Acts of kindness, selflessness and integrity are happening all over the planet every single second, and, for the most part, none of this awesome gets shared or reported.  And yes, good people do dumb shit sometimes.  And sometimes they think or say evil or hurtful things out of fear or ignorance, but I honestly believe that MOST of the people walking around on the earth today are capable of strength and kindness above self-serving or short-sighted gain.


The few properly putrid wank-jockey-knob-end-loser-face-jerk-wipes that you run into in life are so busy climbing, covering their asses, bullying, bull-shitting and generally being repugnant on various levels, that they do not have ANY real time to feel true joy.


They do not have true friends, they have yes people.  They do not have respect, they foster fear.  They will not leave this world better than they found it, they will do damage and justify it to feed an empty that eats them up every moment of their very sad existence. The hell that they endure makes me genuinely sad for them when I am unfortunate enough to cross paths with them.

Not to put too fine a point on it or anything.

So I am blessed to know people who are conventionally rich beyond belief, and also as poor as gentle little church mice.  People can be happy and good with or without money.  Some people are rich and powerful beyond belief because they are consistently good, and smart, and honest. It is an honour to stand next to people like this.  It fills up your heart to work alongside them or hear their wisdom or even opinion on things.  They will go to sleep at night in all manner of beds, some on dirt floors or sleeping rough, others in 1000 thread count sheets, but I can assure you, they are blessed with a restful sleep far more often than those who harbour dastardly plans and agendas.

We can’t always steer clear of assholes in this life.  But we can ABSOLUTELY give what precious time we have to good people, who enrich our lives, share joy, are kind, and make those around them shine.

So fuck you mean people.  Except if you’re being mean because you’re lashing out due to stressful times etc, in that case, I forgive you entirely and my heart goes out to you.  But those consistently prickish plonkers… They can fuck right off for real.




Soundtrack to Fall Apart and Rebuild

Soundtrack to Fall Apart and Rebuild

I have hit the fucking wall.

So I am going to write a big, cathartic, self indulgent blog about six of the bittersweet songs that I go to whenever this shit happens to me.

So, what is up exactly?

Grumpy and I are wearing on each other and wrapped up in the chaos of heading in the same direction down very different roads.

The kids are all typically needy, except James, who just makes me feel guilty because he’s such a cheerful and easy little soul.

Work is next level demanding because we’re well on our way.  With this level of notoriety and activity comes a whole spectrum of events, relationships and opportunities that nobody could be expected to stay abreast of entirely.

Mother in law is fighting fit, and has a genuine new lease on life since her heart operation. Feeling a huge sense of relief and keen to help her to feel less stressed out from here on in.  I quite selfishly require at least another decade of bickering and snide comments being strewn around.  She is the Dowager Countess of our empire, whatever empire that might be.

And I crave sleep.  Crave it.

This is not depression, this is exhaustion.

In the haze of gratitude, discontentment, frustration and bliss I’ve been drawn to a selection of songs that have been my go to soundtrack for years and years of falling apart, so that I can reconsolidate, take stock, and rebuild when my energies return.

I’ll share half a dozen of these songs now, and an explanation of their significance.

Let us begin with Third Eye Blind.  Why?  because I have Loved them since the moment the first song touched my pale, goth princess ears as I drove my faded lime green 1983 Ford Laser named Dave to work at the Open Late Cafe on Ponsonby Road.  I may have heard them before that moment, but this is a flashbulb memory that sticks.  Love at first lyric between myself and this band…

This song was a huge part of a long and complex sequence of thoughts and events that put my pasty Caniwi ass on a plane from New Zealand and back near my hometown.  I lived in a flat where I was Loved by some, and tolerated by others, and I weighed 42kg that year. And lawdy lawdy I was broken in so many ways… So I did what I always used to do, and I ran away.

I ended up at the University of Calgary for 6 long, exciting, emotional and very hazy months.  I met a handful of people I stay in close contact with today, and this song and album was an anthem for us all.  Much beer was consumed, sometimes for breakfast.  Few classes were attended.  And I was given the irrevocable gifts of friendship and self discovery.  The whole song is fucking excellent and Allie and I used to sit in her room, three sheets to the wind, chain smoking and yelling the lyrics at the top of our voices.  This part always got some extra emphasis:

The angry boy (I’d substitute girl obviously) a bit too insane
Icing over a secret pain
You know you don’t belong
You’re the first to fight
You’re way too loud

I’ve attached a link to the song and you can find the lyrics if you click here.

Next up, is a song I sing to my beloved when he is being an asshole.  He has an almost inexhaustible capacity to be an asshole, so I get to enjoy this song rather a lot!

It comes on the radio and he gets the full air guitar in the car as we go about our business.

Fear not, we are as happily married as can be expected for a couple who spend so much time together.  Despite engaging in our usual flirtations, we’re inextricably linked and will remain so. I still want to punch him in the fucking face daily at the moment.

So he can be a right royal pain in the ass and sometimes he most certainly does not treat me well, and I am guilty of the same.  Sonia Dada’s song: You Don’t Treat Me No Good No More is a classic that actually only makes me happy to be with my Grumpy.  Even in heated moments where I’d turn on my heels and walk away from his miserable self, I can hear this song and I am brought back down to the earthly reality in which we are a functional (or perhaps more accurately dysfunctional) team.

So, here is the song, and here are the lyrics.

THIS song is, was, and will probably forever be my theme song.  I’ve been told I look/sound/act like Lisa Loeb since the early nineties when she dropped her first and biggest hit song “Stay” from the Reality Bites soundtrack.  I’ve always had a fairly impressive girl crush on her and her work.

So this song… well, I am this woman who’s a hurricane.  I want to heal EVERYONE’S heart up… and I am hurrying.

“i’m a lightheaded wonder,” she said,
“don’t you see my mind slow down?
i’m a lightheaded wonder
don’t you see my mind slow down?
slow down

i’ve compassion for strangers,
an affinity for danger –
won’t you be my sacrifice?

This song touches the very deepest part of my hurty heart, as I’ve always felt like I do so much harm trying so hard to help people.  I feel like I am bossy, pushy and my extreme desire to help people can be unwelcome or damaging.  So this song covers all of that, and the skeleton boy by the side of the road is all the people I feel like I have let down in some way.

The song is basically about an extreme extrovert trying to help an introvert and fucking the whole thing up.  I do this.  I don’t mean to, but I do.  I’m a hurricane.

NOW I AM FUCKING CRYING!  Anyway.  It is a beautiful song that I go to often when I am sad.  It is my self indulgence and pity party anthem.  It is also a soft and beautiful song in its own right.

I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.  You can find the lyrics here.

I couldn’t choose between two songs that do the same thing for me.  So I’ll share both of them.

Sometimes, I just need to be reminded that it will be okay.  These two songs tie for the top anthems for reaching in and finding that feeling.

  1. You’ll Be Okay by A Great Big World


  1. The Middle by Jimmy Eat World

If you are sad, listen to either of both of these songs.  It will send some warmth and sustenance your way.

And since that is five songs I will wrap this totally indulgent blog up with one last song (actually and entire album that is quite frankly perfect from start to finish) that I go to.  Carol King Tapestry.

Please, take the time to add this to your playlist, because it is deep, warm, earnest, authentic and feeds the soul in a different, yet inarguably sustaining way every time it is listened to and enjoyed.


Thanks for taking the time to peek into my crazy tonight.

Phteven hates it when I thank people for reading my blog.  But fuck him.  I feel it is one of the simplest and most important thing in the world to express true gratitude, so I will continue to do so.






Mother in Law

I’ve been working from the cardiology unit at the Auckland hospital today.

Mother in Law had a heart attack yesterday.  Not a little one, a big one.  She said it didn’t hurt.  That is exactly the kind of downplaying she does all the time.  She’s the toughest person I know.  Seriously, she’d outsmart, outlast and outplay that Bear guy who trundles off in the wilderness with his cameraman no fucking worries.

She’s resting and while she rests I work and when she wakes up I fuss about and annoy her.  Pretty much the same drill as most of our life.  We’re arguing a bit less than usual, because she hasn’t got much fight in her right now.  She is getting more forehead kisses than she’d ever let me bestow under normal circumstances as she’s weak as a kitten.

I Love my mother in law.  She calls a spade a spade, doesn’t bat an eyelid when I say fuck, and she’s the first to call bullshit on me or anyone else if she gets a whiff of it.

She’s very private, and wouldn’t be happy with me writing about her plight as it is, so I won’t give you any details.  Suffice to say, she’s unwell.  I believe that they will get to the bottom of everything and she’ll be fighting fit soon.

I actually can’t comprehend a world without her, as she’s been such a pillar of strength and a source of comfort and support for most of my adult life now.  We’ve travelled the world together and talked about her childhood on trains through Europe.  She’s complained and rolled her eyes at me through the organising of not one but two weddings (both to the same man, her younger son).  And goodness gracious we have played some cribbage.  I’d guess hundreds, if not thousands of hands of crib have passed between mother in law and me over the years.

So while I am sat here on blue plastic hospital chairs, not bothering to fight the tears that are rolling down my fat little face, I am aware that life carries on for absolutely everyone.

Jan, the spunky elderly lady from room one will be going home soon.  She misses her cat and her daughters.  She’s a good solid bogan chick and we’ve had a few great laughs.

Being in the hospital, I have glimpsed the devastation of life coming to an end, just through the corner of my eye in the tears of strangers in waiting rooms and in the corridors.

Every phone call since the event has carried genuine concern for me, mum, Grumpy and our family.  We can carry on and get down to business after stories of how awesome mum is get swapped, and comforting and encouraging words are dropped.

This is another reminder of how fucking ridiculously blessed I feel.  Blessed to be a part of a quirky family who rallied around and shared the news of mum’s illness across the globe in minutes flat.  Blessed to have a husband who knows what it is to Love a strong and independent woman, and also knows how to weather some fairly mind blowing life storms.  Blessed to be a part of a wonderful community of kind hearted and intelligent people.  Blessed to be working alongside doers.  Blessed to have scaffolding of friends, family, and even employees that will make sure the kids are cared for and kept up to date on their Nana.  Blessed to be sitting next to a woman who I Love and respect, and still able to continue working (albeit at a slower pace) on projects I Love.

So, if you’ve heard the news about Mum, she’s stable and hates being in the hospital.  If you’ve taken the time to read this, thank you very much, and if your mother in law is around, it might be nice to tell her you Love her.  I tell mine all the time.  Am confident I will have the chance to do so many, many, many more times yet.