You know that saying “be careful what you wish for!”? Well…. I don’t necessarily agree.

Don’t be careful, be clear.

Shout and seek and yearn for light and wonderful things for yourself and others. Defy and deny bleak and destructive energies and feel the full force of the blessings you attract. Goals, dreams, hopes, wishes, and wins in your orbit are the magic that make our complicated but beautiful lives worth living.

Discovery, growth and joy feel a bit like bandages on the bullet wounds of sucker punches, grief, loss, loneliness and any number of other ouchies we are dealt.  I feel like the roller coaster would be unbearable if it only went in one direction, whatever direction that was.

So I encourage you get clear on what it is you want and don’t want and openly and definitively ask out loud for those things to arrive and depart.  While you can never have total control of anything, you can certainly attract and repel based on the frequency you’re choosing to tune into.  It isn’t necessarily magic or witchcraft, it’s more just physics.  Creativity, light, Love, tolerance and curiosity seek each other out. Good, freeing happy energy loves seeing other people succeed and doesn’t have space for jealousy or self pity. It also seems that fear, ignorance, judgement and hubris are comfortable wrapping themselves up a stifling blanket of negative and destructive energy.

Anyway.

I’ve had a terrifying run of calm, clarity, safety and contentedness that five years ago I really could not have dreamed possible.  It started with my foot coming firmly down and locking out my truly toxic parents, and a raft of less than impressive emotional vampires and choosing actively to be alone rather than allowing assholes into my orbit.  It would be incredibly dim and actually impossible to expect perfection from people, but there’s a voice and a feeling in your chest when you are surrounded with supportive souls, and an uneasiness when you are allowing the wrong energies in.  You must get better at listening to these queues and protecting your boundaries.  Part of that is asking for and receiving great and wonderful blessings.  Manifesting magic.  

Life’s still got so much ugly and difficult shit.  Some of which directly on our path, some is more peripheral.  Some we can control, some will hit us no matter what we do to dodge and weave out of its path.  The only discernable difference that affects my sanity and comfort today, is that I’m in the driver’s seat after being a hostage without direction or purpose on a dimly lit path.  Emancipation has come at a cost, but I’m in charge of me these days.  Terrifying, but terrific.

I’m aware the these blogs have had a slightly preachy/sickly sweet vibe since I got happier.  First of all, let me assure you, I am not always happy.  Grief, shame, and anger still bubble and boil in my belly and manifest into hours, sometimes days of almost catatonic sadness.  Old me would have painted on a grin and gone bigger and bolder into the world seeking validation and trying to distract myself with being busy and bossy and shiny like some kind of lost supernova.  Today I just hunker down in my blanket burrito and do only the bare minimum until the sadness passes.

I’ve got a beautiful menagerie of meaningful relationships that ebb and flow and come and go.  There’s a core coven who I know and trust and people will be in my orbit and I will be in theirs if and when it’s time for that.  

When good things start happening to those of us with PTSD and serious trauma, we poise ourselves for the inevitable sucker punch.  What I think I’m trying encourage you to do in my meanderings today is to try to quiet that fear and embrace and enjoy whatever upswings and blessings you conjure.  

I’m writing this down today, partly because I’m feeling utterly overwhelmed by the Love and complexity that exists as I try to navigate my blended family.  I’m watching healing and connection and growth happen in my husband’s orbit, and honoured to be present for and with his kids and family.  Closeness at a safe distance is probably the best way to describe my role as step-mother and new wife in his family life.  Saying that, I do deeply Love my stepkids.  I Love them enough to not try to parent them but be supportive and consistent and safe and available for a hug and a laugh without getting all up in their shit.  They’re all navigating pretty well, and I am proud of each of them.

In summary,  I’m not careful for what I wish for.  I requested, perhaps demanded a safe and Loving relationship and mutual respect and communication from anyone in my orbit.  I certainly found and married the right man for a deep, safe, monogamous and meaningful partnership.  We came with baggage and continue to manage and unpack as issues arise.  When the Oracle (you may refer to it as the Universe, or perhaps even God) delivers you blessings you will have to manage them with all the challenges and opportunities they bring.  No matter how healed or well-heeled you may be, and no matter what the blessings you have been handed, you are going to get shit wrong and right and some days you’ll be able to celebrate, others you will need rest, and no matter how much drama you remove there will still be days you gotta get up and fight. 

But you are the one driving your destiny and you are the one making decisions for you, so go ahead and wish for the very best for yourself.  Don’t be careful.  Be clear.

Aroha nui!

Thanks for reading