Energy seems to shift in December. It appears that most people are limping toward the finish line after another marathon year, filled with fun, feelings, and fuckery of many forms and flavours.

There’s so many utterly huge and heavy things fueling the dumpster fire that seems to be our society at this stage. I can’t even cope and have to mostly avoid mainstream media.

On a much more personal and immediate level, I see glimmers of gloriousness in the natural world and often in human interactions. This all kind of kicked off on this better trajectory when I built boundaries and started smallering and streamlining my life.

I have had much worse years than 2024. Upon reflection, it is difficult to recall any better years in the 46 I have navigated. There’s one distinct factor that seems to be integral to the calm and clarity the past few years and that factor is Damon.

So many things remain huge and out of my control. Stuff not in my orbit can be decidedly awful and pique my anxiety. But on a smaller, safer, more personal level, things are gentle and filled with promise and opportunity.

Yesterday, I went out to do things that needed to be done, and required varying degrees of human contact.

It was not fabulous.

People, in my experience, can sometimes get a bit mean at this time of year. Perhaps it is because they are fighting hard battles that bubble to the surface this season, or perhaps there is something for me to learn by running into horrid humans who say disgusting things. A Farmers shop assistant in the cosmetics department volunteered her opinion that “those people keep breeding” in regards, I assume, to people in a different socio-economic or cultural demographic than her.

She. Was. Absolutely. Unpleasant.

Or I guess just sadly confused, and deeply out of touch with how the systemic deprivation and institutional racism so prevalent in Aotearoa affects our whole society. The recipe of being mean, cutting funding, and the war on the poor and disenfranchised, is not going to deliver a safer, happier, country for everyone. But some people cling to a rhetoric of divisiveness and cruelty. That’s out of my control but still upsetting when I come face to face with it.

It’s a tough time for the service and retail sector also I get that so maybe she was having a bad day. It’s a good time of year to be aware of these stresses and where possible show some patience, grace and care.

Let me offer some context.

We are in the middle of a refurbishment at the farm. We are so lucky to have our builder Dave project managing most of this for us, as we simply could not do it justice if it were on our plate right now.

There are things that need to happen before the Christmas break, and then there are things that can and will wait until the new year. We have temporarily retired a beautiful gas oven and hob stove that requires new decals and a service. Googled, then called a gas fitter to find out that they do indeed offer these services. The lovely, exhausted human at the other end of the line was relieved and so happy to hear me say there is no urgency and we will call them back in the new year.

Similar situation in reverse, as we booked a package at a local boutique hotel in Auckland on December 27th. Auckland empties out dramatically at this time of year. Delightful bringing business to small local operators, and it is even more delightful to fill in quiet gaps in their calendars and not need to inflict stress or urgency upon them.

And the last thing I will discuss this morning is the friends and family energy.

My social and family circle is super small.

I removed myself from my white trash, toxic, manipulative and abusive biological family many years ago. Things have markedly improved since then. More recently I stopped all contact with my ex-husband who I attempted to maintain a healthy relationship with, to honour and support our kids. The constant gaslighting and complete fuckery that flows from attempts to understand that man do not serve me or my kids. They have their relationship with their father, and I am much happier and healthier with no contact. My patient partner deals with the calendars and this leaves me to focus on providing a safe, healthy and consistent parenting experience to my children on our terms.

I also only have four friends. Had five, but karma ended with one lovely former friend while we were away in Bhutan. There is no beef or drama, our narrative has just ended. I am grateful for our many years of friendship, I am equally grateful and quite relieved that we have gone our separate ways. Seasons, reasons and lifetimes.

So, there are only four people on the planet outside my household that I have regular contact with. I deeply and meaningfully cherish and love too many people to count on all my fingers and toes, regardless of HUGE gaps between visits and contact. But actual functional day to day friendships, I only have four. I do not believe I could handle any more.

I Love sharing my thoughts on this blog and on other platforms, but moving into 2025 I am feeling like further smallering and simplifying life might be on the horizon. Years of trauma and poor decisions strangely put me in good stead to disappear in this, my autumn years. I worked hard and had few and flimsy boundaries, and felt lonely and lost and hopeless no matter what professional, personal and financial milestones were being achieved.

Today I feel the fullest and most peaceful and complete in my own company with Damon in arms reach. Who knows what fuckery or fantasticalness might unfold in the future. Today I feel safe and happy in my shrinking space and well removed from the rat race.