After decades of trial, error, observation, and experience, I have come to a fairly sturdy conclusion that no matter what stage you’re at or how hard you work on yourself and your healing, there will always be some sort of shitty situation you’ve gotta sit with and learn from.  The confessions I am about to make may trigger some people, as my major mental issue at present is small, shallow, vapid, and well within my control to change.

Right now there’s plenty of frustrating and disappointing people (generally men) doing dumb and destructive stuff in my direct line of sight and strangely, none of it has too much effect on me.  I can’t control idiots, and they behave in idiotic ways and seem to think there are no consequences and they must actually assume everyone around them is stupid and not taking notes or notice, but we are.  

Luckily, in my experience, those morons ALWAYS hoist themselves on their own petard eventually.  So, despite sometimes having a direct and adverse effect on my actual life, other people’s dumbassery doesn’t seem to get to me these days.  I almost expect it. All it does is make me regularly roll my eyes and carry on with what is currently a lovely and low drama existence.  

So my job as a sentient being right now is to build my best life and live my safe and satisfying existance as fully as I can on any given day.

I generally and genuinely LOVE whatever I am doing on any given day.

I spend most of my time jaunting around the Southern Hemisphere at the moment.  We visit lovely lodges and tourist spots engaging with amazing people in this eclectic and openly warm and inviting industry.  We are building a legacy on our 50 acre regenerative farm, and still coming up with a brief on what that looks like.  We have more or less between 2 and 5 years to decide in concrete and binding terms how much work we are going to make for ourselves.  We are giving life to a dream of eco-chic tourism, connection, community, regeneration and meaningful conversations.  I’ve never EVER felt so certain or so fulfilled by any professional endeavour.  This is bound to be the last business I start, and I am in no rush to have this project off my hands as it is fulfilling and exciting on so many levels.

This next part of this blog is probably (and reasonably) going to piss people off.

My emotionally crippling issue at the moment is my appearance. I am in the cycle of being sad about my weight and then emotional eating to chase endorphins and dopamine to ease my uneasiness. I was chock full of cortisol for decades, living in survival mode. Part of that total lack of emotional and general regulation is that I have struggled with many (possibly most) eating disorders. Body dysmorphia and me are well acquainted. I’ve walked this world as a fully grown adult human weighing well over 90kg and under 40kg. Body shaming issues among women are a genuine fucking issue and I see every woman aside from myself as a magical, beautiful vessel.

I am guilty of calling one or two women I sincerely do not like ugly, but it’s an ugly that shines from the inside… Actually fuck that, I gotta stop doing that it is absolute bullshit.

Sigh.

The women in my life are wonderful. And we should know better but sometimes we STILL greet each other with “omg! Have you lost weight!” after time apart. It is engrained in us to see/acknowledge/judge ourselves and other women on weight. That’s not cool I hate that I do it too.

It’s fucking bullshit.  I want it all to stop.  I hate me for being mean to me and I hate how much it consumes me.  

I went to aqua aerobics with one of my very most favourite, beautiful, powerful witches last week.  We were definitely the youngest people in the pool that day.  And I looked around at the grey haired goddesses and was moved by how genuinely stunning they all were.  Truly I was in awe of them, their magic, their vibrancy, their cheekiness, enthusiasm and incredible aesthetic divinity.  Joy and humour and a palpable sense of not giving a fuck flowed from the women in that pool and I was inspired and impressed by the whole situation.

Yet I hate myself and struggle to even look in the mirror.  I barely want Damon to touch me and I am stuck in a rut of pouting and self-deprecation.  Stupid, stupid, stupid stuff.

I’m currently doing what I do and running away from reality and returning home to a closet full of clothes that do not fit me.  

I purchased a pale yellow/tan gingham dress (size 16) a couple of weeks ago that covers my flubbers and feels absolutely divine and comfortable to wear (like jammies) and I wear it every second day.  More if I can wash it while we are on the road.  I was walking down the street in Bordertown (birth place of Bob Hawke) on an incredibly windy day with electrical storms and gales lashing South Australia and Western Victoria and the streets were nearly empty.  That magical day though, I had two women go out of their way to tell me I looked fantastic.  

SO WHY AM I POUTING!  I pontificate ad nauseum about self-love and body positivity.  I am actually healthier than I have been in a while and kicked some seriously unhealthy eating (or not eating) and drinking (binge-styles to white girl wasted town centre) tendancies.  My beautiful wife Damon ADORES me and sits for uncomfortably long periods staring at me with a silly contented love-struck puppy grin, then tilts his head and says something sweet, sincere and complimentary.  Several times a day I absorb this adoration.  He’s too fucking good for me I can tell you that for free.  But oof I am so grateful he sticks around in the good times and the bad.

I am crying while I write this.  I am crying because I have no right to be derailed by something as shallow and dangerous as appearance.  My magical silver hairs and journey toward becoming the chrone I have always wanted to be does not cause me any sadness or concern.  I guess my wrinkles and moles annoy me a little so I may get around to having some things lifted and removed one day, but it is nothing I give too much thought.  So what the fuck is the issue with weight.

Perhaps it is that this is something well within my control.  I have the time, resources and knowledge to spend more time at the gym or the pool and eat better food that will nourish me, instead of choosing cheese and chips.  

There are so many resources and shining examples of body positivity for women.  Pamela Anderson (former sex kitten from Baywatch) hits the red carpet without make-up.  Nepal’s Miss Universe finalist is a plus sized goddess with a truckload of trauma she bravely embraces and shares to help other women shine.  

The world is gripped by war and chaos and I am consumed with sadness because I am carrying a few extra pounds.  WTF kind of vapid monster am I!!!

Writing this down hasn’t done much to ease the self-loathing I am luxuriating in.

Perhaps the only thing I want to achieve by sharing this stupid, stupid struggle is to document it.

Who knows how long I have, or any of us have on this planet.  Who knows what will happen to our cushy or challenging lives in the weeks months and years ahead.

There are real, huge, and pressing issues happening right now on geopolitical, social, spiritual, environmental and economic fronts and I am stuck in a seriously debilitating funk because my belly is wobbly.  How in the name of everything I hold dear can I be so vapid and boring and crass?

I’ve been trying to unpack it for weeks.  Months.  

While I feel no closer to an epiphany I can honestly say I feel a bit lighter (pun fully intended) writing it down.  I know I am a messy, complicated, broken-hearted hypocrite at times.  But there are things about me that are pretty magical and wonderful too.  I know I have control not only over what I put in my mouth and how much I move and exercise, but somehow there’s a comfort to the wallowing and lack of confidence that comes from feeling the way I do right now.  

I seriously gotta let this bullshit go though.

Working on it.

Thanks for reading.

My daughter and I are pretty close. She’s a braver, smarter, more stable and immeasurably more organized echo of me when I was 17. Oof to the Oracle I was a mess at 17.

There’s no mistaking our bond or our similarities.  We are both deeply curious and often anxious souls.  We look, to the untrained or ignorant eye, to be confident and unflappable.  But we both struggle with insecurity and social anxiety issues.  She craves validation so spends most of her academic and working life at the top of her class and the front of the queue for grabbing as many shifts as she cares to handle.  She’s always won awards and whenever I go to visit her at work they tell me what an amazing and mature human I have raised. I assure them I can’t take much credit as all I confidently gave her was enough trauma and adventure to ensure she’s funny and resilient, and enough safety and Love to ensure she can function.  She is her own success story now and will continue to be into the future.

We’ve forged a relationship of radical self-awareness and built a culture of care and comfort that means she’s pretty quick to put me in my place if my words, actions or behaviours upset her or are incongruent.  I’ve struggled with my weight and had almost all of the standard eating disorders you can think of.  At her age I puked to stay thin and in my late teens I withered away to around 40kg.  Then after my first baby I ballooned to over 90kg post-partum which placed me square in the camp of morbidly obese.  Steph refuses to entertain me complaining about my weight or my body.  She will scream at me to shut the actual fuck up if I say I am fat or I want to lose weight.  It’s pretty fierce and I appreciate it.  She’s got a solid self-image and is healthy and loves food and stays active without obsessing about calories or exercise.  It’s helped me to reframe my own body image.  

The most recent contribution that has prompted this blog is her assertion that my time as a queen of the narrative of no might be coming to an end and I might be better to bravely share my story of abuse and trauma and removing myself from people who were toxic an abusive and brought out similar qualities in me.  

There’s a lot of people, including my biological parents, who have been instructed to fuck ALL THE WAY off.  If you’re reading this, and think I am mad at you, chances are I am not.  I take the time and care to clarify my position with people who are toxic to my existence and they know exactly who they are.

I ain’t mad. I am just too comfortable with my boundaries and my own company to suffer through other people’s dipshittery. ANYONE’s dipshittery. My children and step children are exempt from that until they are fully fledged adults. I will always make space for them despite any dipshittery (real or perceived) they may be doling out. Love all of them and they will never be denied access to my dinner table.

One day, the ex-husband and I might be able to be friends again, but I’d actually rather not. He’s a pretty shitty friend by most of my measures. I have a surplus of people who are honest with themselves and me, so I will spend time and energy enjoying those far more rewarding relationships.

Every family has shit to shovel.  Every individual needs to decide how they feel about their heritage at some point.  Some (perhaps many or most) of us are born into a legacy of trauma and wounds that have been passed down for generations become burdens to be borne.  I really didn’t think you could opt out of that cycle until late in my 30’s and after years, no, decades of sustained sabotage, lies, abuse, exploitation, bullying and neglect culminated in a complete nervous breakdown.

Before I go on, I need you to hear this:

Before you diagnose yourself with a serious psychological disorder, first look around and make sure that you are not, infact, just surrounded by assholes.

I spent nearly the first 40 years of my life surrounded by actual assholes. They were the product of their own trauma and abuse and I choose to believe that each of them did the best they could with what they knew. That does not excuse the toxic and unacceptable hell they willingly and relentlessly engineered for me to wade through. If ever I was starting to find my feet or feel stable or safe, I quickly and severely had the rug I stood on thrust out from under me. The saddest part, was I was grateful to the perpetrators, as I was grateful to my abusers and bullies as a child. We can maybe explore that in another blog, this is all getting pretty heavy.

There were kind, decent, functioning human beings in my life throughout that journey. The fact that I existed in a sustained hostage situation where I was spoken to and treated like a freakish and useless abomination most of the time meant I simply did not have the capacity to recognize healthy boundaries or relationships. That resulted in me missing opportunities to forge healthy bonds with healthy people. In many cases, I actively napalmed potentially healthy situations and actively sought out being treated like shit, as this was standard operating procedure and something my nervous system and cognitive reality could understand.

For years I was a hot mess hurricane.

Generous to a fault , desperate for validation, and completely without a shred of self-preservation. The upside of that being I never gave too many fucks about what people might think as I was surrounded by cruel and critical abusers. Any success I had was ignored or down-played while any failing was amplified and shoved down my throat. There was no fear of failure nor did I even fear my own injury or death, as I was programmed to believe, and regularly and blatantly reminded that I was a worthless burden and an embarrassment.

I forged many an on and off-line community with the bravery and stupidity that resulted from my shitty life.  And now, I am very close to a calm state punctuated by financial, spiritual, sexual, social and general independence and stability.  Not too many people seem to see what I am up to these days, and that’s kind of perfect.

I feel safe these days. Safe enough to share my journey after a long sabbatical from sharing.

My children saw me broken and they now see me healing.

Part of my healing has been huge and rigorous boundaries being put into place. I learned during the darkest days of my existence (ironically when I had the highest engagement and a huge online and IRL following) that I quite like my own company. I discovered in my late 30’s I would much rather be completely alone than share space or energy with anyone or anything that made me feel unsafe or unwelcome.

Interestingly, the whole world was undergoing a hibernation and healing at the same time as I was.  The pandemic gave me pause to be completely off-line and off-grid for weeks on end.  

Fortuitously, my solitude was shared by the kindest, bravest, most adoring man I have every met.  Without the pandemic, Damon would have succumbed to the same fate as anyone who attempted to get close to me and I would have sabotaged our relationship to prove to myself my unworthiness.  

The Oracle had different plans though.  

We spent weeks that turned into months and have now become years basically tattooed to each other and rarely do we argue or hurt one-another.  Over four years in we are each other’s safe space and definitely most adoring fans.  

Rarely a day goes by when I don’t think to myself “He’s just too-fucking good for me.” And apparently, he spends most of his time equally in awe of me, as he observes from a front row seat my authenticity and tenacity.  We are solid.  We are safe.  We have a lot of fun together.  Drama does not get a seat at our table and I fucking LOVE how easy it is most of the time.

As a gift to myself and anyone who cares to participate in one of the sessions I help facilitate, I now encourage women to find and use their most powerful and authentic NO!

This heals me as I never ever used my no when I was broken.  Being able to say no is an integral part of the human condition.  It makes space for the times we truly want to say yes to things.  Prioritising and protecting ourselves and our needs and interests makes us stronger, healthier, better humans.

My daughter suggested that I may have run the course of being the goddess of NO.  She pointed out that I have found my safe and trusted coven of friends and we all feel pretty great using and accepting each other’s no.  I just had to tell one of my very oldest friends and most favourite people I couldn’t make it to her graduation party because of my social anxiety piquing.  I definitely feel like I missed out, but she accepted my need to decline social contact with grace and tact.  

So the next and much scarier gift I want to unleash on the world is my deep personal conviction that people need to look closely and authentically at their relationships, and be brave enough to actively remove themselves from any that are toxic. ANY.  

That was Stephanie-Jane’s gift to me this week.  She got me thinking.  She’s definitely proud and often exasperated by her larger-than-life, but magical-mess-of-a-mother.  

She’s opted to be here with me or on her own at our city house for most of the summer because she can and does recognize people and situations that are out of her control or that aren’t safe or rewarding to her.  Thank the Oracle I’ve healed enough and found a safe and stable partner and together we have created a culture that all of our kids actively want to enjoy.  It isn’t perfect by any means, but our foundations are that of honesty, vulnerability, nourishment, kindness, authenticity and joy. 

I could not have imagined a life as safe or beautiful as the one I am living today.

Five years ago I was a product, not a person. I was a brand being built and trying desperately to earn my right to exist.  Oh I was always aching for the acceptance of people who often only wanted to see me broken.  The emotional pain I felt was palpable in every waking breath I took.  Many people benefited from that broken, and I launched and supported many an advantageous conversation and even career for people who likely would not cross a street to pour a glass of water on my if I were on fire.  

That’s cool though.

Truth is I do not have beef with the vast majority of people on this planet.  I like and respect lots of people I don’t see or hear from, but that’s not a problem as the universe ebbs and flows and brings people into and out of my life in waves. 

I am an excellent and loyal friend, and am actually incapable of feigning affection or respect, so if you haven’t explicitly heard me tell you to fuck all the way off, chances are I think you are wonderful and wish you the very best.  I’m just nigh on impossible to pin down these days.  Busy healing and farming and feeling my way through the second act of my life.

Today I don’t force anything, I don’t feel I owe anyone anything and don’t expect anything form anyone either.  There are people who protect and Love me just as I am, and don’t ask for anything but cherish our vibe.  There are people who benefited from my broken in the past and are sometimes salty or passive aggressive shitheads who spin lies and throw shade at me now that I am healing.  I fucking actually LOVE that.  I genuinely Love that I irritate some people’s un-managed demons and I relish the fact I have engineered a life where I will not tolerate the presence of anyone who does not earn and deserve my time and energy.  We all have to deal with dickheads we don’t like sometimes, I tend to mostly be able to avoid it, but when I do I certainly keep a cool distance and if I sense even a whiff of BS will promptly establish my boundaries by saying something like:  “We are not friends, and I do not like you, please just do the thing I require and we can both get on with our lives”. Or I simply remove myself from them completely. 

I think 2024 will be the year that I will be sharing more of this story.

The world is pretty scary right now.  I am still in awe of so many wonderful, fascinating, beautifully broken people.  But I also know that I am very good at being an enigmatic mystery to most humans.  I like being left alone, and I cherish the moments of connections that happen organically too.

Wherever you are in your journey, I hope that something in here made you feel empowered to look at yourself and your circle and know that you can call time on any toxic relationship.

This is your life.

Make it great.

Thanks for reading.

I am absolutely aware that I sound like skip on a record when I say (again) that I LOVE LOVE LOVE our new b’ness and have literally never been quite so calm and content…

However.

There’s a shit side to just about everything.

Damon and I are animal lovers and pet owners. As such, we had a pet friendly policy at our lodge and tent. When Damon’s sister Hannah has adventures that will not allow her (formerly Damon’s) beautiful blonde rescue bitch Pickles along, we really enjoy having her with us on the farm. She is a whipadore (Whippet/Labrador cross) and has a hunter’s instincts and we’ve seen her destroy possums, and can only assume other animals in the bountiful bush. So, we simply have to keep her close to home and indoors when she visits. Unsupervised she could and would hunt anything from a pheasant to kiwi. These are just facts.

Sadly, not every pup is kept on a short leash at the property.  

Recently, Kiwi have returned to Tamahunga.  This maunga is only minutes from our farm as the kereru or tui flies.  Kiwi do not fly.  They do, however, often have large territories and may well wander onto our whenua and would be immeasurably welcome if/when they do.  

So, it is with a heavy dog lover’s heart I have to announce our pet policy is changing.

Most of our guests puppers have been very good dogs.  I’ll go ahead and assume they’re all good dogs.  Dogs are lovely creatures and we don’t deserve their adoration and are so blessed to enjoy the connection and comfort they bring.  But lawdy lawdy some people just don’t pick up after their pooping pups and the furniture has been too many times covered in fur and paw prints.  

We will honour all current pet inclusive bookings in the calendar, but from this point on the pooping puppies will need to stay in a doggy hotel while their beloved owners enjoy the off-grid experience at the retreat.

As much as I am trying to make light of this situation, I must admit it was a very hard decision to make.  Half (or more) of our bookings at the full glamp site include couples with a doggo or two.  It is with a heavy heart that we have to ask our welcome guests to join us sans fur babies from this point on.

We will continue to bring our beautiful blonde bitch Pickels along on occasion, and our three legged feline Benedict Cumbercat will be a regular resident as he has always been.  He’s never successfully hunted anything more than wounded bugs in our observation.  

While we are reasonably concerned about the impact this policy change will have on our business, as being pet friendly has been the motivation many of our guests chose us, we really have thought long and hard about this.  We may re-consider kiwi aversion trained puppy pals on the property in the future, but for now, dogs are no longer welcome.

Thanks for your understanding.

It’s a shame, and we know that we were one of the few places that welcomed dogs.  We also know how hard it is for pet owners to find a place to enjoy with their beloved fur babeis, but a few mucky pups with muddy paw prints have sealed the fate of other canine guests.

Thanks for reading.

https://www.newshub.co.nz/home/shows/2023/07/newshub-nation-return-to-local-market-gardens-pitched-as-safeguard-against-future-climate-change-related-food-security-concerns.html

You know that saying “be careful what you wish for!”? Well…. I don’t necessarily agree.

Don’t be careful, be clear.

Shout and seek and yearn for light and wonderful things for yourself and others. Defy and deny bleak and destructive energies and feel the full force of the blessings you attract. Goals, dreams, hopes, wishes, and wins in your orbit are the magic that make our complicated but beautiful lives worth living.

Discovery, growth and joy feel a bit like bandages on the bullet wounds of sucker punches, grief, loss, loneliness and any number of other ouchies we are dealt.  I feel like the roller coaster would be unbearable if it only went in one direction, whatever direction that was.

So I encourage you get clear on what it is you want and don’t want and openly and definitively ask out loud for those things to arrive and depart.  While you can never have total control of anything, you can certainly attract and repel based on the frequency you’re choosing to tune into.  It isn’t necessarily magic or witchcraft, it’s more just physics.  Creativity, light, Love, tolerance and curiosity seek each other out. Good, freeing happy energy loves seeing other people succeed and doesn’t have space for jealousy or self pity. It also seems that fear, ignorance, judgement and hubris are comfortable wrapping themselves up a stifling blanket of negative and destructive energy.

Anyway.

I’ve had a terrifying run of calm, clarity, safety and contentedness that five years ago I really could not have dreamed possible.  It started with my foot coming firmly down and locking out my truly toxic parents, and a raft of less than impressive emotional vampires and choosing actively to be alone rather than allowing assholes into my orbit.  It would be incredibly dim and actually impossible to expect perfection from people, but there’s a voice and a feeling in your chest when you are surrounded with supportive souls, and an uneasiness when you are allowing the wrong energies in.  You must get better at listening to these queues and protecting your boundaries.  Part of that is asking for and receiving great and wonderful blessings.  Manifesting magic.  

Life’s still got so much ugly and difficult shit.  Some of which directly on our path, some is more peripheral.  Some we can control, some will hit us no matter what we do to dodge and weave out of its path.  The only discernable difference that affects my sanity and comfort today, is that I’m in the driver’s seat after being a hostage without direction or purpose on a dimly lit path.  Emancipation has come at a cost, but I’m in charge of me these days.  Terrifying, but terrific.

I’m aware the these blogs have had a slightly preachy/sickly sweet vibe since I got happier.  First of all, let me assure you, I am not always happy.  Grief, shame, and anger still bubble and boil in my belly and manifest into hours, sometimes days of almost catatonic sadness.  Old me would have painted on a grin and gone bigger and bolder into the world seeking validation and trying to distract myself with being busy and bossy and shiny like some kind of lost supernova.  Today I just hunker down in my blanket burrito and do only the bare minimum until the sadness passes.

I’ve got a beautiful menagerie of meaningful relationships that ebb and flow and come and go.  There’s a core coven who I know and trust and people will be in my orbit and I will be in theirs if and when it’s time for that.  

When good things start happening to those of us with PTSD and serious trauma, we poise ourselves for the inevitable sucker punch.  What I think I’m trying encourage you to do in my meanderings today is to try to quiet that fear and embrace and enjoy whatever upswings and blessings you conjure.  

I’m writing this down today, partly because I’m feeling utterly overwhelmed by the Love and complexity that exists as I try to navigate my blended family.  I’m watching healing and connection and growth happen in my husband’s orbit, and honoured to be present for and with his kids and family.  Closeness at a safe distance is probably the best way to describe my role as step-mother and new wife in his family life.  Saying that, I do deeply Love my stepkids.  I Love them enough to not try to parent them but be supportive and consistent and safe and available for a hug and a laugh without getting all up in their shit.  They’re all navigating pretty well, and I am proud of each of them.

In summary,  I’m not careful for what I wish for.  I requested, perhaps demanded a safe and Loving relationship and mutual respect and communication from anyone in my orbit.  I certainly found and married the right man for a deep, safe, monogamous and meaningful partnership.  We came with baggage and continue to manage and unpack as issues arise.  When the Oracle (you may refer to it as the Universe, or perhaps even God) delivers you blessings you will have to manage them with all the challenges and opportunities they bring.  No matter how healed or well-heeled you may be, and no matter what the blessings you have been handed, you are going to get shit wrong and right and some days you’ll be able to celebrate, others you will need rest, and no matter how much drama you remove there will still be days you gotta get up and fight. 

But you are the one driving your destiny and you are the one making decisions for you, so go ahead and wish for the very best for yourself.  Don’t be careful.  Be clear.

Aroha nui!

Thanks for reading

Saturday night.  Feeling decidedly Autumnal out there.  Grey moody skies with gusty winds and the lush green summer shrouds are all quivering off the trees in the leafy green suburb where we live.

Half-way through school holidays and the kids are all home so we had a roast dinner and I made fresh bread which was a huge hit.  Life’s decidedly fucking boring and mundane right now and I absolutely Love it.

We are recently returned from a trip to Southeast Asia that was less than idyllic as I did an incredible “scene from the exorcist” impression after contracting a serious bacterial or perhaps amoebic infection through dirty ice in a huge cup of sugar cane juice in a market on a border town in Laos called Huay Xai.  Not. Fun. 

We were also smacked square in the face with serious environmental and human rights issues that just left me feeling spoiled and helpless.  Air quality was so bad you couldn’t see 10 metres into the distance and everything was an eerie sepia yellow tone no matter the time of day.  Fucking confronting.  

I Loved our trip.  Despite being sick as fuck and painfully confronted.  We also had to leave our planned itinerary so I could lay writhing in pain in a hotel room in Bangkok for a week.  The views were great and there were a few times I was even able to venture out of the room and into the winding streets and alleyways for a sneak peak.  

The people we saw, met and interacted with were fantastic.  Calm, humble, funny.  Southeast Asia has a vibe that is completely devoid of the “me first” urgency and hubris of Western countries – but at the same time we noticed that man can the Thais’ hustle.  There’s a sense of community everywhere you go, everyone seems to have some kind of job to do no matter how apparently high or low (societally), and whatever it is they’re doing – you can be sure they’ll do that job incredibly well. As for jumping up and down and demanding special treatment? Well that gets you nowhere in this part of the world. 

Bangkok is an amazingly poorly planned and yet somehow exquisitely functional city.  There’s abject poverty squished up against 5 star luxury.  One minute you are at a Sheraton and the next you’ve turned a corner into perfectly ordered alleyway of organised chaos.  Little street vendor stalls parked up and wash basins and bikes and all manner of kitchen appliances and accessories were stacked along walls and tucked in corners.  There was a cheerful and chatty old lady taking a sponge bath who was conversing contentedly with a friend who had a toddler perched in front of her on a rickety old bike.  Moments like that, are why I travel.  Being honoured with the luck to happen across such beautiful moments.  We were absolutely inconsequential in a city of well over 10 million permanent residents.  We just meandered through the streets, malls, train stations and restaurants people watching and relishing the anonymity.  

Home now, in our cushy, warm, beautiful, rented villa in Auckland.  This week I bought a cute little city car to ferry my kids around and get to and from the farm in.  My hand was forced as our old faithful Hybrid Lexus was stolen from right outside my son’s bedroom window at his father’s house.  The house is inside a gated compound, and they just left the gate ajar one evening as people were coming and going and some opportunistic thieves went right on in and helped themselves to the car.  Crazy.  Insurance will cover a decent part of the 2020 BMW i3 I now zip around the city in.  

That car cost us $42K in NZ coin.  I thought that was a bargain tbh.  The average office worker, after a university education in Thailand makes around 600฿ a day or around 250,000฿ per year.  That’s about $28.50NZD a day or 12K per annum in our currency.  So, I am driving my kids to school and myself to work in something that costs nearly 4 years worth of wages in Thailand. 

I didn’t need a trip to Thailand and Laos to know that I am drowning in privilege.  I didn’t need it, but I appreciate it and I am desperate to bring my kids there.  We are planning four weeks in the region at the end of this year, just us and the teenagers.  We’ve already arranged to meet up with a few of our contacts from this most recent trip, and I we feel like the most recent trip will be fresh enough in our minds that we will find be able to find our stride pretty quickly.

So that’s it.  Nothing really much to report or going on.  Feeling pensive and profoundly blessed to be lucky enough to have a brilliantly boring week here at the foot of Maungawhau in Tamaki Makaurau.  

Blessed but ready to close this chapter.  

Aotearoa has had 30 years of the very best I had to give and I really can’t say it’s heading in a direction I care to witness any longer.  Tall poppy shaming and shenenigans, bullies and bullshit artists, well, those shady fuckers seem to have far more influence and free reign than the enlightened, kind and collaborative people I am blessed to know lately.  It’s boring.  And tedious. 

So we will get our businesses and lives arranged in such a way that we can leave this island nation with the kids who are keen to join us on our next chapter.  I’m well ready to get gone at this point.  Every time I read the news, or hear about the latest patronizing patriarchal performance one of my esteemed goddess friends is suffering through, well it reminds me it’s time to move on.  

Selfish as that may be.  I can’t handle the trajectory my once beloved home is on.  

In the meantime, I am looking very forward to the time I get to spend with good friends, and the many adventures we have planned here down under in the Antipodes and Asia Pacific regions.  Every time I travel I learn something.  And there’s still so very much I want to (and need to) learn.

Founder-tigued!

Some people are great at starting things. Some excel at generating momentum. Then others thrive in BAU and steadying a ship. There are ideas people. There are details people. Some folks are logical, some people are magical contagious champions or cheerleaders. It’s all important and impactful stuff!

Aside from these various types of helpful humans, there’s unfortunately also a category of people who apparently prefer taking credit for things they did not do. They also deny responsibility for their mistakes, and generally exist to annoy and confound people who are earnestly trying to get through life with some level of purpose and poise.

After helping to found four businesses; organizing literally thousands of events & activities; starting charities, groups, and digital communities; I’ve been pretty public about getting burned out and bullied. But in all honesty, I don’t think I would have been half as exhausted if it wasn’t for the shit kicking I’ve taken from the aforementioned category of people. They are out there and that’s really boring and annoys me.

I’ve lost count of how many things I’ve instigated or created that have either fizzled out or been hijacked by losers who have never had an original idea themselves, but rather prefer to scavenge other people’s work. 

After grieving about it all for a bit, today I can honestly say I give none fucks. Did once. They’re gone. It is much better being fuckless in these matters. Let others take credit for things they didn’t do. Let opportunists feast on scraps from your table. Allow these folk to have a fleeting moment or throw their weight around and act like Mayor Shit of Turd Town riding on the tails of other people’s ideas, efforts and resources. Fuck it. Doesn’t even actually matter.

So here’s the thing. After years of being in 100% survival mode and pushing a lot of shit uphill, I made a conscious decision to step away from the incessant hamster wheel of that worldly rigmarole, and guess what, I now actually get to relax most of the time and live an incredibly blessed existence. 

My second husband and I spend most days as blissed out newlyweds. The company we have started together is going from strength to strength and operates at a very sustainable pace. Our friends are incredible and supportive, despite many (perhaps most) of them having to shovel plenty of their own proverbial uphill. Our kids get along and are thriving despite their own unique challenges and trials. The cat is an asshole but he’s our precious three legged jerk. Wouldn’t trade any of these things.

So… I am currently knocking on the door of my mid 40’s and finding myself – to coin a new phrase – “Founder-tigued”.  What does that mean? 

I recently made a new friend at a hen’s night, also a founder and fierce goddess, and she said something I can’t stop thinking about. We discussed how both her and I had spent decades filling our snoots with booze to battle our social anxiety and imposter syndrome.  As a result, she no longer drinks and I have been incredibly good at not drinking or drinking not too much for about four years now – even moderation in moderation say I!  

I’m not going to lie, both my new friend and I have had some pretty solid success with our first businesses, so the first night we met our chats covered how interestingly both our (in my case ex) halves get the vast majority of the credit for the success of these businesses that we had co-founded.  It’s just the way it is.  It’s unfair, unreasonable, uncool and unfun.  We also discussed mansplaining and being treated like an idiot because we are women – but that’s a rave for another time! 

The most profound moment of many profound moments speaking to my new friend was when I confided that I had been more hurt, disappointed, betrayed and confounded by cruel and manipulative women pretending to be my friends, than I ever was by useless misogynistic male bullies.  I also pointed out that despite that, I am utterly and honestly buoyed by the magic of women and the support and Love I have known since finding my “no” and protecting my boundaries.  

Women are powerful.  The women I know, Love, trust and rely on are powerful and together we can get through and create any damn thing that needs managing or manifesting.  Facts.

I suggested to her that we ought to consider some sort of plan to champion and support women.  No idea what it would look like, mentorship, investment, encouragement… but I felt we could do something cool.

The next time we hung out was at our mutual friends’ perfect wedding.  Here is what she told me between sipping coke zero and chatting about children and travel:

“I thought about what you said, and we should champion and support women together and I realized, I am just too tired.  Done, I am done.  So let’s hang out and not do that instead.”

That. Was. So. Helpful.

Here’s the thing, we both still have a lot left in the tank.  We are magical middle-aged goddesses with big brains full of strategy and experience that could be put to all kinds of good use.

But we’ve both also spent years working our asses off while being variously shat on from all kinds of different heights and directions. 

I like my new friend.  I am impressed by what she has done and who she is at this point when I have been lucky enough to meet her.  She’s got plenty going on and heaps of adventures all over the planet to look forward to this year, as do I.  

But right now, what I mostly want out of life is to expressly not found/start any or many new things because I am foundertigued.

And what that means is that I instead choose to have a handful of people close to me and a short beautiful list of things I am doing and am passionate about and can make a world of difference to. That’s not to say I won’t pop back up at some point; an older, wiser, stronger more powerful version of the hurricane I once was. I guess we shall see.

Thanks for reading.

What a ride the roaring 20’s has been so far am I right? 2023 started perfectly for this former human hurricane. We were snuggled up and sleeping well before midnight down in Rakiura. My husband and I are annoyingly well suited and very happy and loved up. We live a quiet life after two terrifically OTT and public careers and countless personal struggles took a very big toll.

We are happier than a couple of pot belly pigs in mud, living long luxurious lives on a vegan small holding. Life has literally never been so wonderful for either of us, and we have no intention of ever being as stressed, anxious and miserable as we were before we met. HOWEVER! We had done incredible amounts of work to heal and improve ourselves in the months and years leading up to us actually becoming romantically involved. It wasn’t simply a case of finding each-other and everything being fabulous.

Came to a bunch of scary realizations very early on in the pandemic, while putting together a presentation on my new-found obsession with boundaries and the word NO!  

That was early 2020. Not everyone would enjoy the life I lead these days. Quiet. Considered. Steeped in temperance most of the time. Still very busy setting up and growing our exciting and rewarding regenerative agriculture and tourism business. Surrounded by few but truly fabulous friends. Working on (and frequently failing at) zero waste living, carbon neutral travel, mindfulness, connection, radical accountability, and generally being obnoxiously authentic and hyper aware of our hypocrisy.

So, to kick of the year of the Rabbit 2023, on today, the first day of the new moon of this lunar calendar year, here are 23 absolutely random thoughts/learnings from my life on earth this round.  In no particular order whatsoever.

Take and leave whatever you like from the meanderings.  I have expanded on each of the points in a longer blog I’ll post on our Deemon Creative page.  

Big Love to you whatever you are up to this week and wherever you are up to it.  

1. You may never know the impact an act of support or kindness has had on someone, but it is entirely probable that choosing kindness has absolutely changed or even saved someone’s life – and you may or may not ever know this, but every genuine act of selflessness and support kicks off infinite ripples of hope in a world that is weary from an overload of fear and aggression.
2. I was once a genuine carbon criminal, galivanting globally and parading as a climate change and carbon divestment activist. Guess I will be working the rest of my days to assuage the guilt attached to that realisation.
3. Horrible, angry, sad, ignorant, loser people are capable of pretending to care for/support you when you have something they want, and those same smiling assassins/snakes in the grass are going to be the key to your burnout/downfall/tough lessons if you are not vehemently protecting your boundaries and actively living your truth
4. Most people are actually quite lovely, and fighting their own battles which you generally and genuinely cannot imagine
5. None of us have space or the ability to maintain more than a few meaningful and trust-based human relationships.  
6. It is not just okay, but necessary to let people go.  That can include, and sometimes has to start with toxic family
7. Happiness means being sad sometimes
8. Being brave and genuine may mean you lose some shit you thought you wanted; however, you will gain infinitely more peace and fulfilment when your priorities are aligned and you are ready to be honest with yourself first, and the world generally
9. There are few things that annoy people who dislike you or are jealous of you more than you just being generally okay.  Even worse being truly happy.  That’s the best and only revenge – work on you – Love you – Cherish and celebrate you.  Haters fucking hate that shit and they probably got all bitter toward you in the first place because they’re stuck in a sad grumpy hungry ghost cycle.  Wish them well and keep on shining, crying, grieving, laughing and growing.  Best. Revenge.  And you don’t have to plot or scheme or anything, just be fabulous
10. I was once, absolutely surrounded by assholes.  There were lovely wonderful people there too, but I got stuck helping, supporting, trusting and championing the wrong people on far too many occasions.  Now I am left with a few fabulous friends who celebrate my successes while I cheerlead and champion them unashamedly and OFTEN  
11. I am a fucking amazing friend, and being that attracts genuinely fucking amazing friends too. Virtuous cycle.  Damn… being able to just write down how at ease I am with the people in my life right now feels great and took a serious clean out back at the start of this pandemic to achieve
12. Choosing a good partner is integral to comfort, happiness, success, and peace.  Humans are definitely better on our own pouring love into a pet or hobby than in draining, toxic or untenable romantic relationships
13. Rest is VERY important
14. Laughter is medicine
15. Ask for what you need/want
16. Not following the royal shenanigans at all, but this morning’s news program the “Royal Commentator” (that’s a fucking job??? Oof… She seemed quite well paid at a glance too… anyway I digress…) this PROFESSIONAL royal commentator said:  “And let’s face it, isn’t life just far better and more meaningful with our families around?” To which my response is:  ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOT!  I kicked my abusive white trash family to the curb years ago, and while it is not simple and there’s always going to be aftershocks… it is hands down the most important, healing and intelligent decision I ever made for myself and my incredibly well adjusted children.  If something is actively destroying you, you need to remove that thing. Even if, perhaps ESPECIALLY if that thing is biological family.  As complicated as it all may be if people are hurting you – you deserve to feel safe.  No idea what will happen to Harry and his over-sharing. He has successfully made even me cringe and I simply don’t follow or much care about the royals, and am a serial over-sharing blogger myself.  Hope some good comes out of it all, aside from and on top of the HUGE paychecks that couple are collecting now that they’re off the royal payroll.  Whew… I got a bit ranty there eh…

MOVING ON

17. Stop caring what others think and put that wasted worrying energy into caring and mindfully doing fun, cool, brave, interesting, impactful, meaningful stuff instead.  When you do you will end up surrounded and lifted by the very best people who want to see you thrive and you will be doing the same for them.  It’s fucking beautiful!

18. You can do everything “right” and research/plan/prepare and still fall flat on your face.  Falling is okay, but you have to get back up and THAT is what will ultimately spur on and help you find your superpowers

19. Never been a better time to say… Fuck this shit! I am out! And pursue some crazy and amazing new projects or endeavours that fill you with joy

20. Maybe you aren’t the problem.  Then again… maybe you are. We all have to do the shadow work and really look at the part we play when things go wrong.  

21. Love the vessel you are in.  Love your senses, your scars, curves, edges and silhouette.  Move to music, rest purposefull, laugh loudly.  Challenge and cherish your beautiful mysterious super-computer that is a human brain with puzzles or meditation.  Learn new things.  Be curious. Be playful.  

22. Cry more if you can.  I have a friend who cannot cry because of her meds and I think that is just the fucking worst.  I cry several times a day, as in salty water leaks out my eyes.  It can be sadness, grief, frustration, joy, excitement, hope, empathy or any number of other big feelings that trigger those tears but it always feels great and I do it unashamedly whenever and wherever I want to.

23. Today we are younger than we are ever gonna be (thank you Regina Spektor) so get doing something – anything – if that is rest or work or play – today is as good a day as any to do something.  So get on your way!  

Thank you so much for reading!

The Pandemic completely changing my career, lifestyle, trajectory and perspective has had so many unforeseen advantages.

Exploring our beautiful island nation as a guest and seeing places through a sustainable tourism lens rather than as a spoiled b’ness bitch has been such a joyful experience to say the very least.  We have been all over Aotearoa from Great Barrier Island to Franz Joseph seeking ideas and guidance on our new sustainable tourism and regenerative agriculture retreat project.  

2020-2022 saw us have whole facilities more or less to ourselves and we enjoyed drifting down nearly empty roads and enjoying long chats with business owners who only had a tiny fraction of the guests passing through their doors while borders were closed.  

Yesterday evening in Te Anau verified that those days are long behind us.  It was with mixed feelings we watched establishments heaving with human activity and wait times of 2 hours for meals as staffing issues and shortages continue.

We got to overhear lots of North American accents complaining.  “Next time let’s go to Thailand Geoff.  This place looks just like Oregon and it’s expensive.  Not sure why we bothered”. Well Geoff, you and your wife can fuck off.  I do hope if you choose to go to Thailand you are more gracious guests there.

There was a time when I absolutely adored people and craved interaction with strangers and friends alike.  I would have overheard Geoff and his wife and convinced myself it was my job to turn them around and shine a light on how beautiful my chosen homeland is. These days, I keep my nose out of strangers conversations. Pretended not to hear them.

Something huge happened inside my soul and brain after my second nervous breakdown. That event transformed me forever, from quintessential extrovert to practicing introvert.  I still Love people.  These days though, rather than craving interaction humans generally scare me and annoy me where they used to fascinate and energize.

Being sucker punched, betrayed and disappointed by so many people was in hindsight a blessing. The fallout of watching people I was kind to, championed, and trusted over the years being creeps and cowards made me a bit of a hermit.  That fear/annoyance at humanity has been the acorn that has grown the idea that is slowly but surely turning into a mighty oak of sorts.  

As you read this, I hope whatever phase you are at in your journey, you know that it’s never too late to start over. Changing direction can be scary, but you might be pleasantly surprised at the outcome. We have been.

Falling deeply and completely in Love with my now husband, and also starting to Love and appreciate myself happened after unplugging and mic dropping. Finally feel like I’m whole again after being fueled for decades by serious self-loathing and a need to prove myself. So many women just like me are hyper vigilant over-achievers after being gaslit, neglected, sabotaged and shat all over by people who ought to support and protect them. My story is not unique.  While figuring all this out and finding my voice and boundaries was definitely unfun and probably nearly killed me, the view from the other side is incredible. Now that I am safe and happy, perhaps I feel like it was all even worthwhile.  

Anyway.  I found hope and happiness in serene isolation on a 50 acre neglected, weed and predator infested, block of topographically challenging clay just outside of Matakana village.  I was safe from the outside world as there was no internet or phone coverage. We had to drive town to the end of the road to send the kids messages. The car was Damon’s office where he sat on the phone for hours that first few weeks. We lived simply and naturally, pulling weeds, preparing food from scratch, and planning what we might do with this all but forgotten piece of dirt I fought so hard to hold on to through my recent divorce.

Nothing that had happened to me until that point in my life created quite the same level of peace and comfort as being left the fuck alone for a few weeks on that hill.

It’s nearly three years later now, and we’ve poured Love, time, and resources into trying to create a place that is inviting and safe for Aotearoa’s native biodiversity first, and people who just want to be left well enough alone for a bit second.

There are countless other things going on and limitless options for what we will do with the place now and in the future.  Today though, I’mm hiding in a hotel room in Te Anau reading the absolutely stellar feedback from guests at our solidly booked retreat. Feeling fucking fantastic about my life choices and the opportunity we have just had to see in the new year on the isolate Rakiura.  We heard the hoopla down the hill at the pub, but were tucked in bed snug and sober after a lovely day of bike rides and beach laying with precious few other humans anywhere in view.

The world outside our door is falling to bits in many ways. Moving into 2023 I accept that I can’t save the planet. Instead I choose to be.  Be gentle and curious and kind.  Be busy enough to keep our beloved farm improving at a pace we can pay for and handle.  Be grateful for my few fabulous trusted friends.  Be in Love with my spunky monk. Be joyful as he actively and vocally adores me daily. Be brave and stand up to bullies and their bullshit. Be gentle to myself and champion my beloved witchy women and wonderful many other magical friends as they face their own challenges.

2023 is a year to be.

And I hope you get to be the very best you throughout and don’t be too much like ungrateful Geoff and his wife even when things don’t go as planned or don’t meet your expectations.

Thanks for reading.

Digital Dipshittery vs Magic IRL

Damn my digital footprint is a proper mess.

I own and manage 17 domains and 9 active (this is a relative term… some I only update biennially) websites. Don’t even get me started on the social media clusterfuckery I have drowned myself in over the years. Far out.

Taking a FB break on my personal page as I scrolled through all morning and landed on NONE news from people I actually know or care about. My feed is chocked full of advertisements and paid content and that’s not what I signed up for. I signed up to see what my cousin Anne in Ottawa is wearing while she gets her bake on.

Social media mostly sucks these days. I like being left alone. I cherish my quiet but meaningful little life and my close and trusted friendships. I like real life stuff like dinners, travel, laughter and showing a bunch of lovely people the farm at our Kiwi wedding earlier this month. Granted, I was in bed by 9pm that evening while the party carried on by the bonfire until the wee small hours without me. I liked that it happened and I LOVED the vibe and the joy that each and every guest carried up the hill with them.

Procrastination Stations! Temporarily Homeless but far from Hopeless

Today I should be packing up to put our whole house in storage while we find suitable accommodation as my ex husbands’ new wife doesn’t want us living in the former family home. So one week before moving in, after months of negotiation and attempting to save his sorry ass by paying market rent on a place he has not yet cleared out for sale or rent, he rang my new husband and I to tell us we had to fuck off. Bit of a blessing in disguise, despite being a HUGE inconvenience. The big kids now refuse to go back to their father’s house, and I gotta say I don’t blame them. Love that they are brave and feel safe in the culture we’ve built, but it means the 50/50 custody freedom we so thoroughly enjoyed just isn’t on the table right now. We have all grown much closer and happier through the drama. Just hope we can find a house soon as being nomadic would be fine if it was just us, but with four kids and two cats the uncertainty is a bit unbearable, but we will prevail!

So today, between packing, I have been doing other things including creating content because that is the magic of raging ADHD.

Looking through my life over the last couple of decades of digital content I was triggered more than a bit by all the care, resource and enthusiasm I have chucked away on dipshits, cowards and opportunistic con artists over the years. It’s not bitterness or shame or a desire for revenge that is triggered though. It is a heightened and now profound lack of fucks that is triggered.

Here’s the thing about most things. You can’t control them. Here’s the thing about most, perhaps ALL people. You can’t change them. And here’s the thing about life. It’s not often fair, but there’s always a lesson to be learned.

You Are In Control

Here’s another thing that I really hope you let sink in as you read it: Sometimes you just gotta let shit go.

I’ve been having a grand old time clearing out my social media and networks over the past three years. I’ve all but disappeared to most people. This was necessary after being painfully and dangerously accessible for years. I always thought that I could kill any badness with kindness. I thought I could slay dragons and demons with enthusiasm and honesty. Boy was I an idiot. I made it almost impossible for so many people not to shit all over me. I gave everyone an all access pass to me for years and asked for, and received, very little in return. The target on my back was massive and I gave everyone plenty of ammunition to shoot me with. Even some perfectly nice people have proper pissed me off through cowardice or dumbfuckery over the years. So. Now I live a lovely quiet little life and let most things go. I’m not mad or sad. I am really glad I get to be the happy little budding banana farmer I am.

My fundamental needs are met, and I get to live a meaningful life that includes cleaning toilets and washing windows on the farm between guests. I fucking love it. I don’t have to deal with too many people, and Damon and I can be infinitely particular about those we do work with. And we are. Very picky and incredibly appreciative of our true friends.

You Gotta Choose or You’ll Lose it All

Many people, including the me that I was, had or have messed up ideas about control. I thought that pushing through, holding on, hustling and working meant I’d be able to keep juggling chainsaws unharmed.

Nope.

There’s a finite amount of anything and everything we all get and nothing we strive for or choose comes for free.

If you want a kick ass personal brand or career, that’ll probably cost you your privacy. If you want to have an amazing social life, you might find yourself out of steam for busting through that glass ceiling come Monday morning. Perhaps you crave a happy home life and well adjusted kids? Welp, get in that mini-van and ferry those parasites around and forget about fitting in the gym time or weekly wines with your bestie. Everything costs something, nobody on earth can or does have it all.

The bullshit that we can have it all has been spoon fed to us along with other untrue pipe dreams such as “the American Dream” or “Good Vibes Only”.

Control Freak vs Happy Geek

I need to begin to tie some of this together.

If I ask myself what I have mostly let go of in the past few years and what has seen me move from being an unhappy OTT control freak to a happy farm geek it is the following:

• Unsatisfying or one sided relationships
• worrying about what other people think
• craving validation
• pushing shit up hill and/or sticking with stuff that’s clearly not working

So if you have made it this far, I really want to send a solid shoutout to the power of trusting, prioritising and looking after yourself. Then you won’t have to spend so much time and energy trying to control the things over which you have no control.

Manage you. Take care of you. Say no when you don’t wanna go. Say yes to things that make you feel blessed and block and remove people and things that consistently cause you distress.

Life is messy. You gotta decide what you want from it and hold fast to those dreams. Build them. Nurture them. Try not to get distracted by shiny veneers or the pursuit of a “perfect” family or social circle, sometimes even family has to go. Kicked my biological mother for touch years ago and have been happy and healing from her tyranny ever since. Shed hundreds of “friends” from social media and real life and I will continue to clean that shit out like a fucking boss. Let go of keeping up with the Joneses or big fat pay packets in a job that will destroy your soul. You know what makes you truly happy and this is your only life to go after it.

So do the stuff you gotta or wanna do and let things you can’t control pass on through.

Squeezing things tighter doesn’t make you lighter. Trust me. You deserve to let some things (and people) go.

Thanks for reading.