Tag: love

If Pain is a Gift, Today I am Blessed

On Friday last week I stayed in bed most of the day after my social battery went totally flat after we attended a beautiful send off for Damon’s uncle David at the glorious goddess Auntie Ingrid’s home.  I am a big fan of Auntie Ingrid and had a lovely time laughing with Damon’s niece, his delightful dad, and some friends and neighbours as well.  Also got to catch up with Cousin Emma who is here from Boston, and of course my irrepressible and decidedly delightful mother in law Pamela.  Her brother David completely changed the face of the music and broadcasting industries in Aotearoa, and he was much loved and well-respected pain in the ass according to the speeches and songs shared in his honour.  A giant of a man in stature, charisma, and his indominable legacy.  

So my beautiful wife Damon and I snuggled in and had a quiet day on Friday.  I decided at some point to make myself some baked beans with melted cheese on top.  A fateful decision that would have deep and disastrous consequences.

Those scolding hot beans and the molten cheese attached themselves to the roof of my mouth and seared and sizzled and burned and bubbled.  I knew I’d fucked up immediately.  Burns are an insidious suffering and the echo of thousands of heat-related injuries flooded through my accident prone body and nervous system in a flash while this latest dipshittery occurred.

It is now a week later.  I am unable to talk or eat without pain.  A trip to the dentist confirmed the extreme nature of my injury and sprays, gargles and pain killers are keeping the pain dull enough that I can read my wonderful Barbara Kingsolver novel “Unsheltered” and pause now to write this quickfire blog. 

My life is certainly not terrible.  

When shit goes wrong, as it sometimes (often) does, I am reminded just how not terrible things are as terrible things kinda waft through my consciousness and concrete reality.  

Consciousness and concrete reality are really such small parts of the magic that is existence, but we place a great deal of focus on them.  Most states pass.  Joy and euphoria come and go, as do grief and despair, pain and pleasure.  It all wafts through and it is such a fucking incredible gift to experience it from a place where I know there is hope – after living a powerless and hopeless existence for such an incredibly long time. 

I am not powerless.  I am filled with hope.  Even bad days feel like a gift as somehow, now, that I have called back my life and my boundaries to my own self.  Lately, I am good even when things are not going great.

It’s so fucking weird and awesome.  

As is customary, Damon and I have been continuing to toil away at things we both Love, and also… manage to keep our shit together (just) when dealing with truly vile and disgusting people.  These vile creatures serve very little purpose on this planet, aside from reminding sensible/kind/curious/creative people how not to be boring, cowardly and disappointing cunts.  

The world needs these horid, boring, angry, annoying people.  The deepest frustration I have observed with them, however, is that they claw and con their way to positions of some level of power despite generally never having done anything interesting or useful.  This old boys club continues to be filled with cowards and cretins and it continues to protect itself despite clearly competent aspects of society (women, minorities, thinkers, creatives, truly competent and charismatic leaders, and even kindness in general) proving to be far better and more fun for everyone and everything involved.

Days like today remind me just how glad I am to have picked a side and sticking to it though.  I choose the planet, nature, community, tolerance, creativity, art, hope, and magic.  I do not choose, seek or condone ignorance, hate, greed, fascism or privilege.  All that nasty shit is just getting way too mainstream for my liking these days, and I will stay in my lane and actively condemn it until the last breath leaves my beautiful little body.

So, having inflicted a reasonably serious injury on myself, I just have to calmly manage the pain and let it heal.  I was not stressed out, or under the influence of any drugs or alcohol, or in any sort of hurry at all.  I just made a really poor decision and a week later I am rendered rather helpless.  Still able to function, more-or-less.  Had a typically perfect catch up with my darling low-drama-llama goddess Mel and her sparkling beam of light daughter.  And have had some b’ness meetings and strategy sessions and done a wee whisp of creative work this week as well.  But through it all there is a pain that ranges from dull and controlled by the codeine to seering and excruciating.

I don’t hate it.

Suspect that the reason why I do not hate it, despite pain being genuinely unfun, there’s a comfort associated with a small but notable injury.  This that goes beyond the fact I know it will heal and I will relish feeling fit and healthy even more after going through the motions of this recovery.  I feel grateful it was not a bigger or different injury and am more grateful for the bits of me that are working and the vessel that carries me being in reasonable order most of the time.

When I was young and living through a traumatic and hellish childhood/puberty there was plenty of self-harm and poor decisions leading to injury.  Now that I am safe and removed from toxic and abusive people… well, most of them… Even pain is not what it was when things were the way they were before.  Now I’ve successfully built boundaries and started to design a safe, private, simple and very satisfying life.  I have nothing to prove and don’t need anything from any fucker these days.  

Still, I relish honest and creative collaboration and connection with a community.  I thrive in situations with perfectly imperfect people doing their best and giving an actual authentic fuck about themselves and making the world bearable for themselves and others.  Community and connection for creation not self-interest. It’s its own kind of magic.

My friends have checked in and chided at me for what is clearly on brand – if something is worth doing it is worth OVER-doing.  My beautiful wife Damon has carried on important work at the farm and rushed home to nurse me in my invalid state.  Not that he can do much.  Poor thing.  He wants so much to be helpful.  I can’t eat and talking is a chore too, so he feels a bit helpless, but his presence is calming and there’s a tenderness that is so incredibly pure when one of a couple of lovebirds is injured or unwell.  

Nurse pickles (we are dog sitting) is very concerned and helpful during my recovery ❤️‍🩹

I guess, all I am saying, is that I feel awful, and that’s somehow making me feel decidedly blessed and it is wonderful.

My mouth will heal.  My friends are divine.  My kids are all on different and fascinating paths right now and I am so stressed out by and utterly proud of each and every one of them.  And I am safe.  I am safe from gaslighting, cruelty, or scary social climbing con-artists.  I am surrounded by people who are their authentic selves and perfectly imperfect in safe and interesting ways.  Feeling shitty never felt so good.

Have a great long weekend everyone.  

Much Love and thank you for reading.

My Happiness

It is the last day of 2023 and it has me feeling all grateful, nostalgic and shit.

So. Gratitude.

I am married to a font of joy and childlike enthusiasm.  Damon can be heard singing every day.  He could be in the shower or pottering around.  He sings the wrong lyrics to existing tunes or makes up songs that are heavily punctuated with my name: “Dianna, we know she can-a do ANYTHING!  And she’s so pretty and sexy toooooo” is just one example of the many bangers that come wafting from the kitchen or shower as my beloved goes about his day

He’s also got a cute little interpretive dance improvisation situation he busts out while driving or if he’s got his music on while he flits like a wood nymph around the farm.  

He has off days and gets in a huff sometimes, but generally and on average I suspect he might be one of the happiest people walking the planet right now.  

I wish MOST people could be as content as my zesty, tidy, hard-working and super sweet silver fox.  Maybe I even wish everyone could be that happy.  The world would suck less if people were less angry and more inclined to sing and dance and feel free, complete, and blessed.  If humans were generally less power and money hungry and more willing to sing in the shower and stay too long in bed snuggling someone they adore, maybe we’d all be okay, and there wouldn’t be so many angry violent assholes raging around destroying things.

Tangent.  Sorry.  I try not to fixate on the wars and weary world we all collectively continue to damage and destroy… I save those conversations for IRL talks with trusted friends.  I know where I stand on the divisive conversations and situations unfolding around me, and I do not have the strength or inclination to fight those causes on a digital front.  But writing this is a reminder we are overdue a contribution to one or more of the trusted relief agencies we support.

Tangent over.  Back to my train of thought about Damon.

Nostalgia.

When we first started dating he was not the happiest or most childlike person you’d happen upon.  He was more like a kicked puppy than the free styling, shower-singing, dad-joking, happy farming fella his is now. And I was a complete self-loathing hot mess who was convinced that I was far too much for any one human to Love or handle.  I trusted too easily, took far too many stupid risks and had no sense of safety, boundaries or self-worth.  Shortly after we started seeing each other, he was left to sweep the shards of me up off the floor after my second nervous breakdown in as many years.  Thankless, terrifying work for an already exhausted human who had his heart and mind mangled by his own trials, changes and choices.

Nobody (including me) would have bet on us making it out of the gate as a couple. Yet, here we are five years later, building a narrative that is actually evolving into a meaningful little legacy of regeneration, biodiversity, community, kindness, empowerment and plenty of messy mistakes that we get to turn into learning opportunities.

It actually took the entire universe conspiring to keep me from lighting a match and burning our chances to the ground as I was accustomed to doing for so long.  I was not quite convinced of the concept of one true Love forever and Damon was undeniably terrified of what might happen if he made himself available to hot mess me.

So the world shut down and we were locked up on the farm for weeks and weeks.  And it was easy, and it was pleasant and it was wonderful.  There was no way for the outside world to enter our idyllic bubble, and Damon had to drive down to the end of the road and sit isolated in the car all day to continue his duties as CEO at the environmental trust he was managing.  He’d get home and any access to the outside world was again severed and we’d frolic (often naked as the day we were born) in our private little wilderness.  We’d thrash through gorse and pampas and plant perfect little veggie baby seeds and plan improvements on our piece of paradise.  Our only visitors/neighbours were the Kereru, Tui, Waxeyes, Ruru, Piwakawaka, Tuna, Kura and skinks.  

I had no idea how important those weeks offline and immersed in nature would set the tone for one of the most epic tours of self-discovery and complete re-shuffling of goals and priorities.

We are doing our best to parent 7 amazing kids.  We are trying to be kind, fair, clear, inspiring, and generous to our team and contractors.  We have THE most incredible friends and there’s never enough time to catch up with everyone we Love and admire.  Yet, when we do, it is always incredible.  

We still have to navigate an immense amount of stress and BS that is beyond our control.  We (mostly Damon) have some more grueling months or years ahead where we have to deal with people who we do not like or respect and who live in a world of priorities that we find dull, basic and actually quite unpleasant.  But we stand firm in the power we do have and we are consistent and clear on our own vision and strategy.  I am pretty sure the happiness and completely peripheral success we enjoy far FAR away from their world irks them.  Their measures of success is power-hungry patriarchy bullshit we don’t have time to be impressed by EVER.  I’ve never seen that formula work for anyone. The people who play in that sandpit are usually lonely, arrogant, sad and more often than not insufferable to genuine and authentic people. But they can go ahead and fill their expensive designer boots with their posturing and pathetic game playing.  We will be well shed of it all at some point and they’ll never cross our minds or paths again.  Whew.  That’ll be a good fucking day.

So any given day, while mean greedy people are busy doing mean greedy things somewhere that we definitely are not… Damon spends the morning wrapped in my arms for long lazy moments pontificating at length about how precious, smart, kind and beautiful I am to him.  I do not feel beautiful as I have packed on more than a few happy pounds, but with him I feel safe and complete and I do not for a second have any reason to doubt his devotion.  He’s an awe inspiring human inside and out and he’s too fucking good for me in any measurable sense I can think of, but here we are… and for that I am so consistently and overwhelmingly grateful.

I spent years making countless futile attempts to do anything to feel worthy and be Loved.  I was ALWAYS in places and spaces where I was not welcome or appreciated.  Many people were kind and encouraging, but too often they were opportunistic, mean, cruel, dishonest or just awful.  Don’t get me wrong, I was a big part of the problem back then too, as I managed to scare off or freak out good people who meant well by being an inconsistent, self-destructive, impossible fucking mess. But the rub on this and the message I am trying to share is that back then, the people who really ought to have been protecting and respecting me and were the closest to me, were actually putting in effort to disempower, humiliate and destroy me. Not. Great.

So yup, I was looking for purpose in the wrong places, faces and pursuits.  Nothing I did, regardless of the results, was ever good enough for the people closest to me back then, and it probably looked from the sidelines like things were kinda okay.  I’m especially grateful to the handful of people who watched and waited for me to get my shit together and can have a safe and rewarding relationship.  I am way better regulated since hooking up with and marrying my happiness.  

So.  What I wanted to say was:

If you are going through hell, keep going.  Find help and remove yourself from toxic people, places and patterns and start a life that is safe and gentle and may look absolutely NOTHING like the life you have known.  Give away the things that do not serve you and know that you are worthy of honesty, respect, joy, safety and Love.  We all are.  If you’re made to feel you are not, you are in the wrong place and trust me we are better off alone than surrounded by people that destroy our peace or actively derail us.

The person you choose to spend the most time with sets the whole tone for your life.  The things you enjoy doing and the people that feel safe and welcome in the culture that you create and nurture is incredibly influenced by the person you choose as your emergency contact/partner.  

If you are still reading, can I also suggest this year that you try to nurture the friendships and pursuits that are rewarding, good, fun, and on balance make you and those involved better for the effort.  HOWEVER… Do NOT expect or demand perfection from yourself or others.  That’s just not even a thing.  Do have firm and well communicated boundaries and stand firm and fair concerning them as you navigate.  But do not waste what precious time you have being gaslit, ignored, abused or underestimated.  Vibe high and your people will find you.

Reasons and seasons and lifetimes your angels and advocates will find you, and false friends and problematic or opportunistic people will test your boundaries at times too.  Don’t give up on people but make it clear what you will and will not tolerate and when your trust or boundaries are broken let go and get on with your beautiful magical life.  And do it without any hate or bitterness in your heart.  We are all fighting a hard battle.  And we are all at different stages of our journey and evolution.

So that’s my soppy message for the last day of 2023.  If you are going through hell, keep going.  If you are feeling safe and blessed and growing, keep going!  You deserve peace and joy and magic.  

I wish you good health, and more belly laughs than heaving sobs, but enough of every emotion to keep you humble, brave, and connected to the things you Love in the year ahead.