All of the thinking I have done on the subject of this marriage, and happiness in general brings me back to one fundamental fact.

Love YOURSELF. The rest of the good shit sorta stems from this, and I never really got to experience any of that until I fell in Love with me. Which required a lot of alone time, some seriously shitty dating stories, and isolation for days, and at one point weeks at a time. But I fucking got there. And I want all the women of the world to embark on the same and most important love story of their lives. And it starts with YOU goddess…

So let me take you on one of my typically meandering journeys as we embark on our fourth year of wedded bliss.

Four years of marriage have wafted by.

Since I realized it was our anniversary yesterday, it seems I can’t stop thinking about the absolute clusterfuck my nervous system and survival instincts were in when we started dating.

Chasing and placating people who clearly fucking hated me was how I rolled for a very long time. Not an uncommon trauma response considering the shit storm of a childhood and early adult life I trawled through. Unsafe people, trauma bonds, a total lack of self-preservation, and no desire or capacity to have or observe my own or others’ boundaries made the first 40 years of life pretty-fucking interesting.

Beautiful at times.

And absolutely exhausting.

It is an incomprehensible miracle I survived some of the very bad decisions unhealed me made. But I also got shit done. Fuck did I what. Unstoppable and without an off-switch for decades.

Cringe.

So. Some number of years after Steve and I split, I found myself pursued by plenty of suitors across the planet. I tended to fawn over the broken, beastly, mad-bad-and-dangerous-to-know types. Stable, suitable and sensible people generally didn’t last long on my dance card.

Then… There was Damon.

Damon made no secret of his intent or interest. He had been waiting in the wings nursing the wounds inflicted by his own catalogue of slings and arrows.

This blue-eyed beauty arrived with his own battle scars and PTSD from parenting, relationships and life.

And he implored me not to hurt him.

The dance of settling down and nervous systems synching was swift but undeniably bumpy in our first year or two together.

Thankfully, at some point, we kinda just became obsessed and content with each other.

And from that point, we have absolutely soared.

Somehow, we have built businesses, circled the globe, navigated the last throws of parenting prior to the much-anticipated empty nest phase. And there is nobody and nothing on the planet we crave or enjoy more than being in each other’s company. Regardless of where we are or what we are doing.

This anniversary Damon chopped wood.

He fields countless calls from contractors and choreographs work across our three properties/projects. We had his two sons on site at the retreat helping so I made them vegan bolognaise. While he kept his many plates spinning as he does nearly every single day, I ran errands. Had a flying but deeply satisfying visit with my friend Vanessa. Also had to bring our sick cat to and then from the vet after he likely ingested some poisoned rodent while skulking around the property. $980 vet bill, but it is the first time in 7 years this particular three-legged cat has needed a vet aside from his vaccines. We are so pleased he is on the mend.

So yeah, our life and romance is rather full of chaos and deadlines. But so much progress and creativity as well.

The seven children are all growing into very solid and interesting adults. Watching our ducklings fly the nest one by one has however absolutely not been the source of any great sadness. They are blossoming into beautifully complicated, generally funny, and genuinely decent human beings. They’re all in their own ways vastly superior to their parents in how they see and manage the world. Not a single one of them (not even YOU if you are reading this Stephanie) have their shit together, but they are all having a far superior journey through their teens and 20’s than I remember having. They know they are loved. That’s something that is not negotiable and I likely annoy my kids at least with reminding them just how proud and impressed I am by them.

Sometimes they struggle. Sometimes they soar. But, generally, they seem to appreciate us. They even jump at opportunities to spend time with us when the opportunity presents itself.

But oh my, we enjoy the gaps in our calendar that do not include ANY of the children in our orbit. They carry on with their lives and we check in digitally from time to time, but it is so nice to spend some stretches of time and space sans children.

I could talk ad nauseum about how divinely dedicated Damon is every fucking day. He stops to admire my face and stares with moist eyes at me every single morning. Several times a week he asks things like: “How can I show up more for you?” or “Well, will that make you happy?” and any number varieties of check ins to ensure he is being the best wife and lover on the planet for me. I only hope I show him how much I appreciate his incredible leadership skills, exacting standards, hopeless romanticism, and generally impressive capacity to be a good cunt.

But somehow, I think I want to talk about how none of us ought to settle for anything less than being safe, seen and happy in a relationship.

Women were conditioned for centuries to swallow cups of cold sick in our relationships with men and meekly ask for more.

None of that.

Get a pet, plant a garden and find a fantastic vibrator before you settle for or stay in any romantic situation where you are not adored for the goddess you are.

I guess the same stands true for men settling for unsupportive women – but that’s not really my field of work.

No relationship will be flawless. No pairing will be perfectly matched. No romance will be without sailing sluggishly through some doldrums, regardless of how fast and exhilarating the brisk sessions of movement may be.

But it ought not always be fucking hard.

If you do not feel seen, respected, or safe, you deserve more.

And perfectly lovely individuals can be with the wrong partner and become emotional brutes or the worst version of themselves, just because the chemistry is off, the timing is wrong, or it simply isn’t meant to be. There’s a point when we all know if things aren’t working, and that’s the point we owe it to ourselves, our partners, our dependents and the people who look to us for inspiration or guidance to call time on toxic, no matter how long you’ve been together or how good things once were.

While I can’t currently imagine the interdependent bubble of bliss bursting between Damon and I, our story only continues so long as Love, grace, joy, adventure, and respect is getting served and consumed in both directions.

And for that recipe to continue to successfully see us through, we sometimes need to disappear completely together.

So we have to jealously guard some serious Deemon time together. Being absolutely lost anywhere together without a soul who know us or a single solitary meeting or engagement on the agenda for a few days, well, that keeps us deeply attached, if not, continually obsessed with each other. It is our formula, and was also the formula that found me falling in Love with MY OWN DAMNED self several years ago. Being isolated in magical solitude is a powerful magic that works for me. I know that the idea of rattling around the globe without much of a plan would not appeal to everyone. Some would find it a vile and unfun option indeed.

But I guess that’s a good part of the puzzle. Fall in Love with you and allow the appropriate person with equal parts of adoration for your fine self, and similar interests and a capacity to enjoy the same shenanigans that support your happiness.

Yup.

That’s the magic right there.

First and absolutely non-negotiable.

Love you. Fall madly and deeply in Love with you so anyone who does not understand what a complete delight you are can FUCK OFF.

This is the only way to make yourself or someone else comfortable and complete in a coupled situation.

Once you’ve accomplished this, and either played the field or found yourself through sufficient meditation, abstinence, gardening, travel, or whatever you need to figure out that you are a complete and total delight. ONLY THEN can you partner with someone that Loves you too, and will enjoy doing the things you love to do.

Thank you for being wonderful Damon.

And thank you for reading if you’re still with me beloved observer!

XXOO