Soundtrack to Fall Apart and Rebuild

Soundtrack to Fall Apart and Rebuild

I have hit the fucking wall.

So I am going to write a big, cathartic, self indulgent blog about six of the bittersweet songs that I go to whenever this shit happens to me.

So, what is up exactly?

Grumpy and I are wearing on each other and wrapped up in the chaos of heading in the same direction down very different roads.

The kids are all typically needy, except James, who just makes me feel guilty because he’s such a cheerful and easy little soul.

Work is next level demanding because we’re well on our way.  With this level of notoriety and activity comes a whole spectrum of events, relationships and opportunities that nobody could be expected to stay abreast of entirely.

Mother in law is fighting fit, and has a genuine new lease on life since her heart operation. Feeling a huge sense of relief and keen to help her to feel less stressed out from here on in.  I quite selfishly require at least another decade of bickering and snide comments being strewn around.  She is the Dowager Countess of our empire, whatever empire that might be.

And I crave sleep.  Crave it.

This is not depression, this is exhaustion.

In the haze of gratitude, discontentment, frustration and bliss I’ve been drawn to a selection of songs that have been my go to soundtrack for years and years of falling apart, so that I can reconsolidate, take stock, and rebuild when my energies return.

I’ll share half a dozen of these songs now, and an explanation of their significance.

Let us begin with Third Eye Blind.  Why?  because I have Loved them since the moment the first song touched my pale, goth princess ears as I drove my faded lime green 1983 Ford Laser named Dave to work at the Open Late Cafe on Ponsonby Road.  I may have heard them before that moment, but this is a flashbulb memory that sticks.  Love at first lyric between myself and this band…

This song was a huge part of a long and complex sequence of thoughts and events that put my pasty Caniwi ass on a plane from New Zealand and back near my hometown.  I lived in a flat where I was Loved by some, and tolerated by others, and I weighed 42kg that year. And lawdy lawdy I was broken in so many ways… So I did what I always used to do, and I ran away.

I ended up at the University of Calgary for 6 long, exciting, emotional and very hazy months.  I met a handful of people I stay in close contact with today, and this song and album was an anthem for us all.  Much beer was consumed, sometimes for breakfast.  Few classes were attended.  And I was given the irrevocable gifts of friendship and self discovery.  The whole song is fucking excellent and Allie and I used to sit in her room, three sheets to the wind, chain smoking and yelling the lyrics at the top of our voices.  This part always got some extra emphasis:

The angry boy (I’d substitute girl obviously) a bit too insane
Icing over a secret pain
You know you don’t belong
You’re the first to fight
You’re way too loud

I’ve attached a link to the song and you can find the lyrics if you click here.

Next up, is a song I sing to my beloved when he is being an asshole.  He has an almost inexhaustible capacity to be an asshole, so I get to enjoy this song rather a lot!

It comes on the radio and he gets the full air guitar in the car as we go about our business.

Fear not, we are as happily married as can be expected for a couple who spend so much time together.  Despite engaging in our usual flirtations, we’re inextricably linked and will remain so. I still want to punch him in the fucking face daily at the moment.

So he can be a right royal pain in the ass and sometimes he most certainly does not treat me well, and I am guilty of the same.  Sonia Dada’s song: You Don’t Treat Me No Good No More is a classic that actually only makes me happy to be with my Grumpy.  Even in heated moments where I’d turn on my heels and walk away from his miserable self, I can hear this song and I am brought back down to the earthly reality in which we are a functional (or perhaps more accurately dysfunctional) team.

So, here is the song, and here are the lyrics.

THIS song is, was, and will probably forever be my theme song.  I’ve been told I look/sound/act like Lisa Loeb since the early nineties when she dropped her first and biggest hit song “Stay” from the Reality Bites soundtrack.  I’ve always had a fairly impressive girl crush on her and her work.

So this song… well, I am this woman who’s a hurricane.  I want to heal EVERYONE’S heart up… and I am hurrying.

“i’m a lightheaded wonder,” she said,
“don’t you see my mind slow down?
i’m a lightheaded wonder
don’t you see my mind slow down?
slow down

i’ve compassion for strangers,
an affinity for danger –
won’t you be my sacrifice?

This song touches the very deepest part of my hurty heart, as I’ve always felt like I do so much harm trying so hard to help people.  I feel like I am bossy, pushy and my extreme desire to help people can be unwelcome or damaging.  So this song covers all of that, and the skeleton boy by the side of the road is all the people I feel like I have let down in some way.

The song is basically about an extreme extrovert trying to help an introvert and fucking the whole thing up.  I do this.  I don’t mean to, but I do.  I’m a hurricane.

NOW I AM FUCKING CRYING!  Anyway.  It is a beautiful song that I go to often when I am sad.  It is my self indulgence and pity party anthem.  It is also a soft and beautiful song in its own right.

I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.  You can find the lyrics here.

I couldn’t choose between two songs that do the same thing for me.  So I’ll share both of them.

Sometimes, I just need to be reminded that it will be okay.  These two songs tie for the top anthems for reaching in and finding that feeling.

  1. You’ll Be Okay by A Great Big World


  1. The Middle by Jimmy Eat World

If you are sad, listen to either of both of these songs.  It will send some warmth and sustenance your way.

And since that is five songs I will wrap this totally indulgent blog up with one last song (actually and entire album that is quite frankly perfect from start to finish) that I go to.  Carol King Tapestry.

Please, take the time to add this to your playlist, because it is deep, warm, earnest, authentic and feeds the soul in a different, yet inarguably sustaining way every time it is listened to and enjoyed.


Thanks for taking the time to peek into my crazy tonight.

Phteven hates it when I thank people for reading my blog.  But fuck him.  I feel it is one of the simplest and most important thing in the world to express true gratitude, so I will continue to do so.