Any day of the week you will hear me utter:
“Oh, will you look at all the many fucks I simply do not give!” with a sassy, energetic, sarcastic and generally highly animated delivery.
I had a moment today that made me realise that I’m fooling myself though.
That moment, was when I was traveling home to the house after running around getting Stephanie and Daniel’s shit together for sleepover parties, and picking up various bits and bobs before we hit the road.
It happened on the way home from the mall with James nearly falling asleep, and Steph finally seemingly human again after she’d been replaced by some screaming demon creature thing this afternoon. There’s a guy, seems he might be a bit toothless, good tan on him, probably in his 60’s I’d say? Anyway, he often sits at the corner up in Glenfield on the road back to our house, and he dances. He has some headphones in, a tight 80’s jumpsuit and he just gives ‘er some shit and busts out moves for all to see as they trundle along Glenfield road. THIS guy ACTUALLY gives zero fucks. I was pretty jealous for a while. But because I am often saying; comparison is the thief of joy, I decided not to be jealous. He has his road I have mine. But I have to say, there are some days that standing on a corner on a warm day and listening to good tunes while dancing however THE HELL I WANT TO would be a nicer prospect than the constant, heavy, anxiousness of feeling like I have so much more to do!
And then I got to thinking. I say that I am done, or I’ll hang up my boxing gloves and get out of the ring. Seems lately that I’ve done too many rounds fighting to be a decent person, acceptable parent, desirable and interesting woman and friend, above average wife, sustainability champion, boss, bosses wife, traveler, writer, daughter, and joyful participant and observer on the journey through life. I beat myself up constantly because I should and could do more to be good, and end up dropping the ball so often.
I have fooled a lot of people into thinking that I don’t have any more fucks to give. The truth is, I probably do. I still get upset when people struggle and I watch them. My instinct is to help, but 37 years of sticking my nose into other people’s trials and tribulations has taught me that for the most part, it is better if I let people figure their own stuff out. I get upset at the news. I get upset when things go wrong. I get upset when I hurt people by doing or not doing something. I REALLY get upset when the kids are struggling or there’s issues at home. I get upset when Grumpy is stressed and miserable to me. I get upset that the planet is choking. I get upset the the reefs are bleaching. I get upset that children go hungry or unprotected or cared for. I get upset that people do everything right but still fail. I get upset that ignorance, fear and hatred feeds MORE ignorance, fear and hatred…
I guess for someone who have away her last fuck, I am holding onto quite a few still.
Rather than just caring and feeling stink about the state of play, I do think the best thing myself, or anyone else can do is SOMETHING. Yes, do something. The heaviness of the bad stuff can crush you at any moment, but if you keep momentum it will not.
I’m not going to tell you what kind of something you should/could do. Doing something can be like Yoga, the gym or a walk. Or it could be planning a massive philanthropic visit to a far flung Nepalese village to teach family planning and distribute medical supplies. It could be spending more time with your family. It could be travel. Meditation. I ACTUALLY DO NOT GIVE A FUCK WHAT YOU DO. Just keep doing something. Even if it is actively relaxing or getting some much needed rest.
If you are someone who knows me IRL and I have fooled you into thinking that I am confident and have a clear direction or path that I am able to pursue without deviation or distraction, I am sorry. You may hear me say I have no more fucks to give, but I do. From the bottom of my heavy heart right now I do. I give quite a few fucks and I’ll try very hard to keep doing something until I can see that something is getting done.
I hope you are able to find some somethings that you can care about and do the same.