I made one of those passive aggressive posts over the weekend:
“It is a wild world, and I just don’t want to be a part of it anymore…”
Or something to that pathetic and cryptic effect.
I thought I’d take a moment to explain what the actual fuck is going on in the corner of New Zealand I like to call Dee-land.
I started the year with a new diagnosis. Still working out medications, which is strange, as medication is not something I take (aside from generation one antihistamines like Benadryl for sleep, supplements for my anemia and occasionally Ritalin for keeping my A-D-Deeeeliciousness under control) very often.
There are some side effects that are normal for this medication. Hand tremors, thirst, sleep. I am thirsty, but have no other “normal” side effects.
I have had a number of not normal side-effects.
The long and the short of what has happened is I have almost completely lost my joy. I have a very short fuse. I no longer crave human contact of any kind, let alone the insatiable desire I had for hugs, smiles and connection, even 5 weeks ago when I started this regime.
So, I’m a bitch. And you know what? I kind of like it. Here’s a recent photo of my “not amused” or “WTF” face… It is kind of actually my face now.
I feel no need to carry on chatting beyond the point of saying what needs to be said. I don’t care what every single person is doing or why. I do not feel in any way responsible for the bullshit and stupidity that is rife in the world (it still gets me down and makes me want to do something of course), and last… but CERTAINLY not least… for the first time in 30 years I do not crave death or have suicidal thoughts countless times every single day.
Now I’m faced with a conundrum.
My children miss “fun” mom. I think my husband misses the old me, but it is difficult to tell because he’s so busy lately. I’m not sure what my friends think, because for the first time in my 38-year history, I’m not deeply concerned with how other people are feeling all the time.
So do I keep on this trajectory and hope that it changes or settles down and my short fuse and lack of empathy or even interest in the world around me, or do I go back to the old me.
I’ll tell you what. Even thinking about going back to the way things were makes my eyes sweat. All the confidence and noise masked a metric shit-ton of self-loathing and anxiety, and I don’t want to have to continue to live trapped in that bubble of neediness and self-hatred.
But I miss craving hugs. I fake hugs now, and that’s really fucking weird for someone who used to need human contact like most normal people need air. And I miss dancing with the kids in the kitchen while we cook dinner. And I miss belly laughs, and benders, and highs, and lows, and feeling hopeful almost pathologically optimistic.
I miss me. But I hated me. Like PROPER fucking HATED myself.
I’ll go back for more discussions on options, and I will try and figure this out, but this short break from truly craving death, despite knowing cognitively how selfish and ridiculous those feelings are/were… I can’t begin to tell you what kind of relief I feel.
So, to those closest to me who have born the brunt of my bitchiness, I am sorry, but I am not sure that Dee the pushover who needs or wants a cuddle will be returning. And to the many WONDERFUL and supportive friends who have DM’d me and offered words of kindness and support, I thank you so much! Your warmth is the only thing that has brought light into my dimmed heart these days. The meds have me feeling like most of the world is populated by fuckers who just wanna fuck people for their own fucking gain (the medication has done nothing to curb my swearing BTW) and knowing that there are good, kind, wonderful people who have genuine concern for crazy asses like me, well it is buoying.
So what would YOU do?
Would you carry on and try to learn how to trust people again without the veil of optimism that the previous un-medicated state used to allow? Or would you give up and try something else?
Feel free to be as judge-y and opinionated as you wish if you’re going to comment.
I’d like some fresh advice on this.