I made one of those passive aggressive posts over the weekend:
“It is a wild world, and I just don’t want to be a part of it anymore…”
Or something to that pathetic and cryptic effect.
I thought I’d take a moment to explain what the actual fuck is going on in the corner of New Zealand I like to call Dee-land.
I started the year with a new diagnosis. Still working out medications, which is strange, as medication is not something I take (aside from generation one antihistamines like Benadryl for sleep, supplements for my anemia and occasionally Ritalin for keeping my A-D-Deeeeliciousness under control) very often.
There are some side effects that are normal for this medication. Hand tremors, thirst, sleep. I am thirsty, but have no other “normal” side effects.
I have had a number of not normal side-effects.
The long and the short of what has happened is I have almost completely lost my joy. I have a very short fuse. I no longer crave human contact of any kind, let alone the insatiable desire I had for hugs, smiles and connection, even 5 weeks ago when I started this regime.
So, I’m a bitch. And you know what? I kind of like it. Here’s a recent photo of my “not amused” or “WTF” face… It is kind of actually my face now.
I feel no need to carry on chatting beyond the point of saying what needs to be said. I don’t care what every single person is doing or why. I do not feel in any way responsible for the bullshit and stupidity that is rife in the world (it still gets me down and makes me want to do something of course), and last… but CERTAINLY not least… for the first time in 30 years I do not crave death or have suicidal thoughts countless times every single day.
Now I’m faced with a conundrum.
My children miss “fun” mom. I think my husband misses the old me, but it is difficult to tell because he’s so busy lately. I’m not sure what my friends think, because for the first time in my 38-year history, I’m not deeply concerned with how other people are feeling all the time.
So do I keep on this trajectory and hope that it changes or settles down and my short fuse and lack of empathy or even interest in the world around me, or do I go back to the old me.
I’ll tell you what. Even thinking about going back to the way things were makes my eyes sweat. All the confidence and noise masked a metric shit-ton of self-loathing and anxiety, and I don’t want to have to continue to live trapped in that bubble of neediness and self-hatred.
But I miss craving hugs. I fake hugs now, and that’s really fucking weird for someone who used to need human contact like most normal people need air. And I miss dancing with the kids in the kitchen while we cook dinner. And I miss belly laughs, and benders, and highs, and lows, and feeling hopeful almost pathologically optimistic.
I miss me. But I hated me. Like PROPER fucking HATED myself.
I’ll go back for more discussions on options, and I will try and figure this out, but this short break from truly craving death, despite knowing cognitively how selfish and ridiculous those feelings are/were… I can’t begin to tell you what kind of relief I feel.
So, to those closest to me who have born the brunt of my bitchiness, I am sorry, but I am not sure that Dee the pushover who needs or wants a cuddle will be returning. And to the many WONDERFUL and supportive friends who have DM’d me and offered words of kindness and support, I thank you so much! Your warmth is the only thing that has brought light into my dimmed heart these days. The meds have me feeling like most of the world is populated by fuckers who just wanna fuck people for their own fucking gain (the medication has done nothing to curb my swearing BTW) and knowing that there are good, kind, wonderful people who have genuine concern for crazy asses like me, well it is buoying.
So what would YOU do?
Would you carry on and try to learn how to trust people again without the veil of optimism that the previous un-medicated state used to allow? Or would you give up and try something else?
Feel free to be as judge-y and opinionated as you wish if you’re going to comment.
I’d like some fresh advice on this.
11 thoughts on “I Literally Wanted to Die…is this any better? Still Deciding.”
Probably goes without saying, but consider that medication is not an all or nothing proposition. Perhaps dosage modification, or even a combination with some other med, could get you to that Goldylocks place. It sounds like this med has enough going for it – as in KEEPING YOU HERE WITH US WHO LOVE YOU FOR AS LONG AS POSSIBLE! – that you shouldn’t give up on it yet!
Hugs from across the ditch, whether you want ’em or not, damnit!
I choose not to treat my ADHD. I cope in strange ways, as I always did. I also choose to monitor my depression and only medicate when I can’t manage on my own. I hate myself a bit without the meds, but medicated me was so unfamiliar and lifeless, dating was impossible as I always seemed disinterested.
Really you have to decide which version is easier for you to manage.
Although I do agree in my unmedicated state that the world is full of “fuckers who just wanna fuck people for their own fucking gain” as you put it… but I refuse to lose my faith in humanity. there are lovely people out there that have touched my life at some point (you included) that fill me with happiness and hope. Enough to keep the darkness at bay, for the most part. Whatever you decide is the right choice for you, don’t second guess it. I am sure there is enough Dee-ness left that people will still recognize how amazing you are. We are always our own biggest critics.
Oh shit. There’s others! Just gone back on Concerta ( slow acting sustained release Ritalin) and once that’s settled maybe changing my anti-depressant. I have been stuck in a cycle of suicidal ideation – if there was a button I could have pushed to wipe myself out completely as though I had never existed I would have done it 3 times over in the last week!
They say any changes to routine should be enacted for 3-4 weeks to truely test them. I’m down with that. Thank you again for your truth and courage – all the very best x
So…where to begin…
I felt as though I needed to comment on this immediately. Felt as though my damn SmartPhone keyboard wasn’t going to cut it. Felt like even though replying required me to go into that loop of “what’s my password, email-a-reset-link, think of a new one, write-new-one-down” this time it really meant something and immediately.. Even though you’re probably sleeping by now.
The initial, canned, “we’ve all been there” doesn’t fit. We haven’t. I’ve seen elements of this, certainly, but there are other parts that I have no knowledge of.
I wouldn’t say I normally crave contact with people like you do. I would say I have a love-hate relationship with people. I would say too often I think “they don’t get it” and “they can’t possibly get it” and “they’re not going to get it in time, we’re fucked, this whole world is fucked, what a bunch of losers what an avoidable crisis why can’t they just pay attention just a little bit?”
Yeah. And feeling like death. More common than I’d like.
I feel like a piece of Saran wrap that simultaneously needs to cover four very different corners of a round container; right at this moment I have more than twenty Google windows open on an old computer that just can’t take it anymore because I won’t remember where I’ve been and Scientific American’s “Is Recycling Really Worth It?” and “Environmentalists Sue to List Bumble Bee as Endangered” and that Elon Musk video, four Quora posts, Rolling Stone’s Mellencamp interview, and NPR’s ridiculous article on blaming your dishwasher if your dishes are still dirty all need to be referenced somewhere. In the explanation. The epic, this-solves-everything-just-read-it explanation. The one I somehow convinced myself MUST BE POSSIBLE because there are 171,476 words in the English language and there HAS TO BE a combination that gets everyone to understand. Somehow I’ll do it, I think…
I can’t take it anymore and neither can my computer. I could for a while–I could certainly when I came across Dee, a woman who personified the word effervescent and who had a way of making others feel like THEY were the rockstar. A person I met just once, but a person who again verified for me that there MUST BE A WAY. We could clean the damn world up if people could get it like SHE gets it. Instead of spreading all our shit around like it’s an “Oh woe is me!” badge of courage in a world which ain’t that fucking hard unless you’re taking on everyone else’s problems. If we could sort things out like that woman; if we could spread THOSE kind of scrubby bubbles around.
Not sequester them in a corner wanting to die.
Because I don’t even believe that’s all her fault. I think that’s our fault–our big, collective, if-the-world-had-its-collective-shit-a-bit-straighter fault. Pharmaceutical companies would certainly make less money if the world were less avoidably stressed the fuck out, but people like Dee would be happier. And that would be a much better world.
Be glad I can’t put a more specific name on you, whoever or whatever you are that is annoying the life out of Dee. Because even if it makes me miserable I’ll come looking.
If I find you, you’re history.
That’s a tough choice.
Maybe supplying things can help? I would have dark periods and grumpy periods and pros when the spark was gone.
Then I did something almost unthinkable: I stopped drinking alcohol at all….Ever. I was never a big drinker, but I liked half a bottle of Pinot once or twice a month. Plus a couple of beers on a Friday night.
After about a month the lights came back on. After 3 months my memory ‘came back’. My head felt more like when I a kid. I also wasn’t moody anymore.
This may be irrelevant for you, but it could remove one possible source of darkness and unease.
I’ve in this time for 3 years now….And like EVs vs ICE, I’m not going back.
Hang in there.
Hi Dee, I can really recommend a book called “your drug may be your problem” – it deals with all kinds of meds for mental illness and would help with a good understanding of how they work and what the impacts might be. You asked for fresh advice…. 😊
You know I absolutely, 100% get this. I would ask myself one question – would I be friends with the new me? I would rather be me with the self loathing than someone else I wouldn’t want to be friends with.
There are lots of other drug options that can help you not want to die while also not changing the essence of you. It might take a while to find the right one, but it is absolutely worth it.
I don’t know you, in fact this is the first thing I have read from you… but, being a serial commenter and people pleasing resucer, I well have to comment. From the little I know about medications is that it can take a while to for your system to adjust and getting the doseage right (could be a candle in the darkness).. protect your love ones as much as your able and keep talking x
Hi Dee, I am a bit random about accessing facebook but happened to see this post. Having lived with someone with chronic pain I know medications make a huge difference to the personality. The photo you have posted looks haunted, it doesnt look right to me, while there are benefits if looks like some chemical is out of balance still. I would suggest getting your medication reviewed.Hang in there, what you describe reminds me of a see saw, if you imagine trying to balance one it is going to take a few trys to get it right xx
I think maybe you have a very high iq but you haven’t grasped the actual concept that most the people you meet/know do not truly do not. So when they screw up in someway you think they are doing it on purpose… to you personally because how could they possibly be so thick. Don’t take it personally just get they are just not that clever and it is not actually an attack but a lack of vision, foresight or intelligence that’s all. Being brilliant has a downside most people in your world will not be able to keep up but they are not slow on purpose. Good news is when you come across a slow one you have the ability/ choice to slow down or pass, just remember a big old bus is not slow as a personal attack it’s giving it all it’s got and you are a tesla, try taking your foot off the accelerator and cruise it’s ok cause at any moment you have been blessed with the power to put your foot down. Whether you like it or not the actual freakn earth itself is in a fight for its life and you are needed, what’s more you know it you can’t avoid it and it’s a huge ask. Breathe