I’ve been fighting most of my life. Fighting for what I figured was fair, fighting for friends, fighting to be heard, to be seen, to be noticed. Fighting with myself, and those closest to me over frequently fuck knows what. Fighting with my own fucking heart and mind most days as internal dialogue tries to convince me I’m a terrible person, and do too much, too little, or simply the wrong thing most of the time.
Interestingly, I am not actually feeling up to scrapping anymore. Think the fire in my belly and my inane sense of self-righteousness that led me to stand up to and for just about anything and everything is not even embers anymore.
I’m fucking exhausted. I don’t want to try so hard or wage wars against every injustice that lands on my radar anymore. This year will be the year of the goddess, and I’ll gently worship and celebrate myself, and all the magical women in my tribe, and those I’ve yet to meet. It’s time to ctfo, take a step back, and lift others up while taking care of my own goddamned self for a change.
Most people, if they are truly honest with themselves, have self-sabotaged or denied themselves the comfort and joy of being their most authentic self. Most people fight battles or struggle with their relationships or their own mind. This year has taught me something I plan on discussing in great depth over the year ahead, and that is the fact that we are all juggling and battling with what I call “mommy and daddy” issues. We are all carrying our broken childhoods, our disappointments, and we all want to know that we are Loved and accepted unconditionally. We all want to make our parents (whoever they are, or whoever we view as our parental figures, related or otherwise) proud.
40 years of feeling like a failure and fighting to be recognized and feeling a fire in me that is both fed and extinguished by grand deeds and gestures and being a right bossy bitch at times needs to be put to bed. I am no closer to feeling whole. What I have noticed that I am, is very close to my children, and they’re growing up to be amazing, empathetic, and incredibly resilient people with the confidence to question and the fearlessness to seek their own paths. They are all adventurers and activists. They are all full of their own moments, magic and, of course their own wounds.
Do you remember being young and attending religious camps or youth camps? Do you remember singing Johnny Appleseed or Koombaya around a firepit? I vividly remember the songs “If You’re Happy and You Know It” and “Let The Sun Shine In” and my favourite song of all time, written by one of my all time historic heroes Charlie Chaplin, Smile. I’ve included links to jog your memory if you would like to hear them.
Unfortunately, there’s a satirical version of “If You’re Happy and You Know It” that has been playing on repeat for many years in my dark and self-loathing heart. Same tune but the words go something like:
If you’re happy and you know it
Fuck it up
If you’re happy and you know it
Lose your shit
If you’re happy and you know it
Well, you’re likely gonna blow it
Beat them to the punch
Get in first
And fuck it up.
That may or may not be relatable… It’s what I’ve done for a long time though, and this is the year I speak to that demon and tell it to pack its things and leave because I am probably well through half of my time on this planet, and have some seriously epic shit to do with some seriously amazing people, and running away and blowing things is going to have to stop being an ongoing problem.
Happy has returned after nearly two years of emptiness and struggles. We all have a lot of shit to shovel. Seems that kindness, generosity, and hope can at times be seen as an invitation to manipulate, maim, use, or even dig at or destroy us. Well, I have said it before, I will say it again, it is not your fault if someone is an asshole. They’re sent to teach us something about ourselves, and if that something is to stay well the fuck away from them that’s a lesson that’s totally worth taking on, as it will make room for people who are truly on our side.
Someone I do not know, and will likely never see again got incredibly upset with me recently for being as open as I am about my struggles. She LOST her shit when I openly shared the story of my visit to a psych ward after the second total nervous breakdown of 2018. She was angry that I was trying to normalize it as. Rightly or wrongly she is of the opinion that me openly sharing my struggle cheapens other people’s suffering and choices to do it more privately or even in silence. That’s fair. She can fight her demons any way she chooses, but I don’t personally think that I need to be ashamed or secretive about the journey I’ve been on or what I learn with every blow and battle.
I thought I’d wrap up the week with some highlights of 2018. Here’s a list of some of the epic wins from all over the world in a year that has kicked my ass so impressively.
- Getting my Master’s degree (one last paper to hand in and it should be golden) and traveling around Saudi Arabia and Singapore with a group of absolutely amazing friends (and my fellow students and course coordinators)
- Tweets from Ricky Gervais
- New friends in Ukraine and a perfect, snowy, simply amazing few days in Kyiv
- Seriously separating from my soulmate and still remaining friends
- Doubling the size of the ChargeNet network
- Electric Avenue
- Soul Sisters new and old
- Learning to ask for things
- NZ EV podcast with Theo
- Kind kids growing into amazing people
- Feeling fear and doing it anyway
- Road trips
- Tindering like it was Tetris and learning a lot about myself and others in the process (Blogs a plenty on those adventures heading toward your eyeballs in the year ahead)
- Staying put
- Trees, bees, birds, plants, animals and communities if people caring more about the oceans and the earth getting mobilized and impactful all over the world
- Falling down and fighting to get up stronger and smarter than before
- Being a bit more careful
- Being a lot more grateful
- Finding food again after two years with no appetite
- Dancing even though I am a shitty dancer
- Singing in the car with the kids
- Saying enough is enough to some, and sticking with friends who have stood by me
- Island hopping
- Less shopping
- Hampers of hope
- Retelling strange dreams and sharing funny memes
- Wonder Women the world over
- Feeling beautiful
And so many more moments and memories.
This year, maybe many of us will have a chance to slow down and seek our bliss. Maybe it’s time to stop trying to prove ourselves to ourselves and others, and just know that we are all fucked up and properly perfect in our imperfections. Maybe this is the year I start writing that fucking book and learn to build and appreciate boundaries and boundless possibilities without stepping on quite so many toes as I crash through life as a Scrappy Dee.
Pretty fucking eager to see where it goes though.
Happy New Year and thanks for reading.