Cold Feet, Warm Heart, Hot Head…

Love is a powerful, complicated, magical, mystical, terrifying force.  To Love and be Loved requires equal doses of strength and vulnerability unlike any other exchange or adventure we embark on in this life.  The Love we did not receive as children and the Love that broke our hearts as we progressed wending our way down the paths of puberty, coming of age and so on as we change and grow, will be for each of us in our turn the yoke that shapes how we give and receive Love… it all affects how we view, crave, and behave in the face of romance, passion our pain defines how and when and for whom we yearn.

It is a magical clusterfuck indeed.

Love will kick your ass, break you into bits when it changes, shifts, evoloves, walks out on you or ends.  That same force, from a different source can stitch you back together so you can face the world again.

Some people guard their hearts and their emotions and vehemently avoid connection and the sting of rejection.  Others toss themselves willy-nilly into and out of flings or relationships searching for something that may be staring them squarely in the eye, too close or at a distance, but they are so distracted it never quite comes into focus.

A shitty, lonely, traumatic childhood left me beautifully broken and my strategy for filling up the empty was to Love the absolute shit out of every-fucking-thing-all-the-fucking-time… then bolt.  I see magic and beauty in everyone because I was told in countless words and actions that I was broken and a burden and destined for failure. Well, that was all clearly untrue and I never want anyone to feel the way I did so I lift people up and cheer for others to the point it is almost pathological.

People who were brave enough to believe in me at my lowest moments paved a path for an incredibly successful adventure. Being told I was a failure regardless of what I did or do or am, made me both fearless and constantly afraid. Being shit on by people I ought to have been able to rely on made me want to be a force for good and help myself and others to get better not bitter in the process. This doesn’t always work out, but I’ll keep on trying.

My first husband often says I give people whiplash.  That’s actually quite fair and reasonable as an analogy.  With me, it is all on and I am all in and obsessed with people for a hot fucking minute, and just as quickly and completely disappear, sometimes never to be seen or heard from again. For years.  Or weeks.  Or forever.  Or whatever.  I am not an easy person to Love, or understand and I am a bit full on for most people.  A default of being told, shown and repeatedly treated like I was unloved and unloveable, meant a lot of craving attention and validation which is EXHAUSTING and can be very dangerous to myself and others.

When I married Grumpy Phteven I really did believe/want/hope it would not end.  But it did.  And I stayed well past it’s use by date.  But now that all of that pain, grief and drama is behind us, I cherish our friendship, our history, and the bond we share after creating four fantastically difficult and delightful humans.  I Love him.  That is forever, and not a day goes by that both of us don’t breath a sigh of relief that our marriage is over and our friendship remains.

At some point, arguably before I was quite ready and definitely after I was absolutely certain I’d one day like to actually be in a relationship, an aloof goof/spunky monk (who I definitely manifested one evening while talking to my dear friend Wiebe) arrived and was brave enough to accept the challenge of embarking on a relationship with me.

Nearly three years later we are weeks away from a wedding in Rarotonga.  In typical Dee-saster management style I freaked out, and suggested I don’t want to buy into “heteronormative and misogynistic paradigms designed to keep weird witchy women like me gagged and invisible” and I called off the wedding.  Thankfully, former husband assured future husband that it would be best by far to ignore my need to napalm things, and wait it out.  

Damon has been all in since the beginning of our romance.  He has offered support, Love, patience, and kindness like I have never known.  The fact he is a tall, good looking, successful white man – is not something in his control.  The damage done by men to myself and women I admire was not at his hand, and he is, was and will always be an ally and force for equality, and a voice that amplifies the success and strength of the women in his world.  I fell in Love with these things, and I trust him completely, but I remain triggered and traumantised and working through so many issues.  This recovery and facing my anger and disappointment is a journey I will be on for the rest of my time on this earth.  

When the dust settled and after a bottle of Lothlorien feijoa wine and several songs were shared with no power or Internet connection up at the farm, I rescinded my stupid suggestion and we reconnected as the vulnerable, fearful, fierce lovers and friends we have become and are destined to be.

Damon has reminded me countless times that I did not mis-represent the challenges he’d face falling in Love with a free-spirited wild thing.  He is just as quick to speak words of gratitude for the calm and kindness that rule most of our days and decisions.  We are a team and together we are building a safe and welcoming place for people and nature to thrive and revive.  And we are facing our fears, demons and insecurities together as the dream comes closer into focus and our relationship blossoms.  

So, in a few weeks, on a beach by a lagoon on a tropical paradise, surrounded by some of our most cherished friends and family, we will embark on a great adventure together. Not to fix anything, not to prove anything, not to change anything, but to draw a line in the proverbial sand and create a life together. We will continue our trajectory with a common goal to lift each other up and be the best versions of ourselves together and as individuals, facing in the same direction and moving ahead together.

Cold feet are okay.  But his warm heart keeps my hot head accountable.  In the timelessly cheesy words of 70’s songsters Crosby, Stills and Nash:  We are one person, we are two alone, we are three together and for each other.  And we are going to do great things and make magic. 

Thank you for joining us on the journey.

I wish you so much Love.

Thanks for reading.

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