Tag: thoughts

Toiled Delightfully Through Tuesday

Bright Sides Glimmering Everywhere – Despite or Perhaps Because of My Raging ADHD?

So I have been known to create my own crisis/tension from time to time as this state is where my neuro-divergent self seriously gets shining…

Think I will start by saying thanks to you Wickedly Wonderful Witches who slipped into my DMs today.  And the lovely, patient women who keep in contact through the years on social media or IRL. My Coven really delivered some serious safe and magical vibes as I bopped around the city not doing the things I ought to be doing.

Today was a Tuesday.  

Day started a bit wobbly… I am feeling like an asshole because I am overdue for uploading/sharing the top ten for the photo comp I ran (rather successfully might I add!) in April.

I am so bad at deadlines.  So. Fucking. Unbelievably bad.  

HOWEVER…

Avoiding doing things I ought to be doing has always been a magical wonderland where I am a fucking weapon at doing other, unrelated tasks.  

Today I was a machine.  

Arranged house-sitting and childcare situation for the month of November.  The cat and our house are going to be absolutely pampered while Damon and I are pinching ourselves hiking through the Himalayas in the private and mysterious Kingdom of Bhutan. 

Op-shopped up a storm and scored a bunch of bargains at the Habitat for Humanity store in Wairau.  I picked up a proper (slightly scuffed but fit a treat) pair of Christian Loubouton sparkly heels.  I will likely never own another pair, and these were a proper Cinderella moment.  Ridiculous amount of money, but I am frugal as fuck with the shoe situation most of the time, and the money goes to a charity I actually admire, so… WINNING!  

I also found a delightful designer bag for one of my besties who just got a new job and needs to slay all day while she is well on her way.  

I’ve also been manifesting the perfect rain jacket and asking the Oracle to help me find this elusive item.  Today, she delivered and I got a shiny/sparkly deep red rain jacket that fit me beautifully for a cool $20.  I am gonna wear the absolute SHIT out of this jacket.  It is perfect.

Surprise! It’s Red…

Long luxurious chats with a few of my fave goddesses about serious witchy life stuff on the DMs all day.  It’s all proper private chatham house rules topics so I won’t share cause it’s none-o-yo-b’ness… suffice to say the synchronicity between us was and is kinda exquisite.  I don’t have many friends at this stage of my journey, but I sure do Love and appreciate the handful that have held on and proven they are trustworthy and true.  

Also went in to renew Registration on our teeny tiny city sized i3.  That’s an electric car for those who don’t recognise the term i3.  Her name is D33M0N – which is of course my name and my wife’s name squished together.  DEE and daMON –  and it’s also the name of our growing and UNBELIEVABLY fun and rewarding company.  Gonna be a hot minute before the place is humming along in profitability zone without us, but it is an absolute joy most of the time.  Wish everyone could Love their job as much as we do the farm and the eco-retreat. There would be no war, no crime, everyone would just be chill hanging with their chickens and listening to the bananas grow.  Or whatever version of that fills them with as much joy as our tiny slice of paradise brings us and our team.

Paid the RUC’s (Road User Charges) for both D33M0N and LOLGAS.  $743 for 10,000km for those who were wondering what the chargers are.  I do not mind paying road user charges but I do vehemently resent paying the same amount as planet fucking, particulate matter spewing diesel disasters are charged.  That is some serious bullshit right there, and exactly the kind of inane and completely ill-advised bollocks I have come to expect from our current cluster fuck of a political administration.  Truly confounding.  

Ordered three cheapo pairs of spectacles from Oscar Wylee (3 pairs $300… the rate at which I lose glasses I cannot justify spending more).

Got call from school nurse Steph’s still not feeling great and today was her fourth day off school.  The school nurse was a sweetheart and agreed Princess Stephanie needs another day to rest tomorrow.  This feels pretty okay considering she’s got most of the years required credits (with excellence) and is already applying for universities here, in Australia and Canada.

Organised THREE belated birthday dinners out this week and next.  Have also committed to doing some weird early morning exercise situation in Matakana with Sarah on Monday morning first thing.  Oracle preserve me I am a little scared!

Shopped for groceries, popped dinner on (roast chicken marinated overnight in oat milk and herbs and spices, highly HIGHLY recommend this recipe… so tender!), video call with the chair of my trust (an elusive but utterly divine goddess… sadly our paths won’t cross now until July as we are all so freaking busy!) 

Fed kids, admired our array of happy healthy pot plants (I never had a tidy, safe, calm home or pot plants ever in my life until I moved in with my domestic goddess wife), and was curled up in my jammies by 6:30pm.

AND THEN…

I wrote this blog.

Had no idea what an incredibly busy (and actually painfully expensive thanks to licensing and registration fees) and pleasantly productive day I had until I started writing.

Damon in his super cool 90s sweater

And how utterly blessed I feel to be surrounded by a safe, warm, calm environment.  My joy tonight was bubbling over as I chatted with happy, funny, open, and grateful kids.  Gosh they are far more settled and self-refelctive than I was at their ages.  Perhaps even more than I am now.  

Then came the obligatory pats for our needy three-legged rescue cat.  His name is Benedict Cumbercat and he is actually a total asshole but we adore him.  Tonight also saw me swept up in a moment where I very nearly wept with joy surveying our warm tidy living room full of healthy pot plants and witchy herbs thriving in their eclectic pots I have collected through op-shopping expeditions.

My delight dill!!!
In bed by 6:30 ftw 🙌

Not even a fraction of these rather wonderful things would have happened today if I wasn’t well and truly tied up in absolute knots about my earth day photo competition dilemma.  I must honour those who entered and share the finalists.  And I will.  And it will feel pretty good I hope.

But, for now, I’m just going to tuck in my ten year old and then slip off into a peaceful slumber thinking about all the big and little things that made today rather magical.

I AM My Hero!

So, currently, the state of play is oscillating wildly between anger, shame, joy, grief, hope, despair, and then… probably some more anger.  This is my angry stage of the healing journey.  

The reason for this blog is to remind everyone who bothers to read my shit that the journey is about progress, not perfection and YOU are always the only person who can save yourself.  Absolutely futile waiting for someone to come along and rescue you.  You gotta do that shit for your own damned self.

The reason this has sprung to mind in particular lately is this.

My wonderful wife Damon is fucking next level lovely.  He is beautiful, kind, smart, brave, patient, ambitious and recently he’s suggested we ought to get fit and fabulous so we can get back to some healthy middle aged tantric type sex, which requires core strength and a sense of adventure.  Seriously, he is annoyingly wonderful it can make my eyes roll.

While all this is absolutely true, and we have had five lovely years as a dedicated couple and been married for nearly two years, I must take a moment to remind the world and myself that this safe and functioning relationship is a symptom of the intense and occasionally excruciating inner work I have been doing since my second severe nervous breakdown in 2019.

People sometimes elude to or outright say things like “Oh you are so lucky, Damon saved you!”

Erm.

What now?

I saved me.  I fucking got my drunk boundaryless ass out of the hostage situation with my first marriage.  I stared down my demons and now I dine quite comfortably with most of them.  I did the therapy and the work.  I built a healthy and accountable culture with a few good friends and severed ties with anyone who was not brave enough to be actively supportive of my evolution.  Steve and I remain civil.  That’s all I will say about that. And I choose that civility too.  Me.  I saved me. 

This does not mean I am not grateful for the support and accountability that are offered by the chosen few I let near me these days.

Had a lovely time at the P!nk concert with two of the winners of the Love Letter to Yourself competition and I couldn’t cope with how people-y the whole situation was after a while.  Luckily Sev felth the same way and we nipped out and headed home early.  There’s a word for being on the same page/frequency in Turkish and it is Bilmukabele.  It is more nuanced than this, but it is a state that I enjoy with Sev.  We are both beautifully broken and brave goddesses and unafraid to do the work that is required.

On the walk we talked about how much we have both changed and how at some point in our deeply feeling and cortisol laden journeys we each figured out that the issues in our lives always, always, remained rooted in us.  We’ve struggled and battled and felt uncomfortable in our own skin and been angry at people who Love us.  Today we are both doing pretty great if I might be so bold as to say so.  We have Loving stable partnerships and great friendships.  We are both exhausted a lot of the time, but on balance, pretty happy people.  Why?  Because we stopped blaming and deflecting and started very brave journeys inward.

We have boundaries, and see beauty everywhere.  We are talented, complicated and so fucking brave I can’t even begin to express how proud I am of both of us.  

Life’s not perfect and there’s still daily battles and a huge amount of effort required to stay on track and continue to evolve into the women we deserve to be.

But, I just needed to say to anyone who stumbles across this that it is you that will absolutely be your own greatest hero in this life.  

Big Love thanks for reading.