Buckle in. This is going to be well ranty and sweary.
Okay. What the actual fuck. I am trying SUPER hard to listen to the universe and heed whatever infinite gaseous and gorgeous galaxies seem to be working toward me learning.
HOWEVER… The lesson seems to actually be: Don’t be nice. Just don’t fucking do it. You’ll either be too nice, not nice enough, and no matter which way that particular jagged pill goes down, you will end up getting fucked. BUT WAIT. Not only is your hope, trust and cheerfulness absolutely going to turn you into a slow moving target. NOT only THAT, but being this painfully slow, visible, and vulnerable target will get you shot down, trod on, and YOU WILL FEEL LIKE YOU FUCKING DESERVE IT?!?!?! Not everyone fucks me or you over BTW. Most people are good and trying, I truly deeply believe that as I write it.
As far as the “stop being nice” message you seem to be peddling, if that’s what you’re selling Universe. I ain’t buying.
Let me share with you an observation. Really, super, extraordinarily outgoing people very often have super shitty self-esteems, suffer from imposters syndrome, and question themselves all the time. Yeah, we look like we don’t GAF. But oh my fucking good gracious, we do, we do give all the fucks. And the assholes, justifying, and forever trying to chop our heads off or make us feel like shit, well it hurts. Don’t think that because we are friendly and gushy and kind, being taken for a ride or taken for granted doesn’t honestly smart, and leave some heart scars and tummy tigers. You know when you’re being an asshole. I (try to) know when I am being an asshole. So. Please. Just don’t be an asshole.
Just to clarify, no I am not talking about you. I am talking about a very specific case and a very specific thing and I am masticating (that means chewing but super looks and sounds like masturbating, great word. Top marks for that word) on a very cold and unsatisfying heaped helping of “I told you so” from the Ex. So, not you I’m passive-aggressively raging at. But, I am in the mood for a rant, so if you want some wrath DM me, I’d be happy to help. Plenty of that shit pent up today. But hmm. Yes. People often think I am venting about them, but I really truly like, neigh LOVE most people. I can, with a fairly confident level of certainty take a guess that I actually like you WAY more than I like myself. Which, is, actually a form of douchbaggery because nothing is all about you or me. We’re all just shoveling shit.
I will say, that people have got to actually spare a thought for all different kinds of people, and please do not be afraid to gently steer those of us bashing through life to change trajectory and/or USE YOUR FUCKING INSIDE VOICE (I super don’t really have one of those…), or just make it through the day without earning any new enemies. Say it gently. Use humour to difuse. But be nice and DO NOT assume that you are the only person with spicy or heavy (Oh man, I should NOT use the word spicy, that’s a proper young people word, ew gross) shit. TRUST me, everyone is fighting a hard battle that you know nothing about.
And THAT is why I super, mega, ultra VERY much Love strangers. I can get into those juicy brains and get them to hug it out, talk it out, occassionaly even cry it out, then I get to leave before I am able to thrust my inevitable crippling disappointment on them, embarrass them (or more often myself), or just basically, run screaming in the direction of shit that is bad for me, while the good stuff waits quietly. Without judging (but actually judging, and Loving us just as we are) and the hurty stuff we run headlong toward. Thanks to the patient posse. I need your sunshine. I just hope I reflect a bit of it back sometimes, so thank you.
Shit… So I know that I do super dumb shit, and it is utter bullshit, yet, here I am, relaying the cycles I apparently do not fucking learn from.
Well guess what Universe. I am sick and tired of feeling ashamed. I am sick and tired of giving SOooooOOOooo very many fucks about so very many things.
And maybe. Just, fucking maybe. I am going to start standing up for myself without flying off the hhh…handle. No that’s not a likely scenario is it?
So. To the Goddesses who rescue me and rush to my side when the real deal hefty shit hits the fan. I will never be able to express to you how much it means. The thing about someone who thrusts themselves into life with all the elegance of a hippo attempting to hoola hoop (actually, that could be quite elegant animated, but it’ s my blog and I LOVE alliteration). Alliterations, strangers and self-loathing, these are my crack. Maybe. I’m not entirely sure I have tried crack, and I suspect I would remember if I had… probably. But people seem to think I’m pretty hopped up most of the time, and apparently it’s a tad dangerous and addictive. So, I won’t do that
Well, the hope and unabashed joy and serious cringe that I pack around with me on a daily are not an excuse for anyone to treat me like shit. And the same goes for you. If we are doing our best, even if we are doing… well… anything, even just breathing, we are progressing, and learning and take it easy on yourself and everyone else.
Because it costs nothing to NOT be an asshole. So please. Don’t be one.
Hmm. Rather a meandering rant. Ah well, fuck it. My blog. Doesn’t have to be tidy, heaven only knows that I am a rough as fuck and a super cringe mess so why wouldn’t my art mimic life once in a while.
And you KNOW WHAT ELSE! I am not even going to edit. Actually fuck that. I am soooo gonna edit because Kylie Burling is a sweetheart and does exactly the nice stuff I talked about and takes the time to point out my spelling and grammatical errors. And I am SO grateful, and infinitely impressed with her good eye.
So. You do you. And don’t be an asshole while you do it.
THANK you. Even if nobody reads this I feel MUCH better.
Off to Melbourne to see my birthday Bestie!!!! (She hauled ass all the way from Hong Kong to meet me in Argentina with like three days notice last year. Definitely one of the goddesses. Chances are, if you actually know me IRL, you have had to be very kind to my slightly extra ass at some point too. So thanks.