I feel like I’ve got whiplash from all the travel and trying so desperately to avoid my demons lately. Those cunning bitches seem to catch up with me no matter how many take-offs and landings I try to put between us. Might be time to dine with them rather than trying to ignore them? Deep right? Look at Dee being all poetic and shit. I’ve been on a roller coaster (stop laughing, sometimes shit is kinda smooth and normal) the past few weeks, after finding out a dream international speaking gig was canned because Phteven said no. Grrr.
This shit happens in every kind of relationship all the time. One person is passionate, one oblivious or just busy or bored. This drifting in different directions makes the whole amiable dissolve a challenge, but fuck it, being married is/was more of a challenge so this too shall pass.
He’s not a bad man. He’s actually still one of the best people I have ever met, but has inherited a spectacular mean streak, and a kind of obliviousness that presents itself like arrogance, but I know he is not. I’d be less tearful if he’d even say, I am sorry you’re so sad about it. It’d be better if he was able to genuinely see what a complete clusterfuck missing this, and any other big PR and networking opportunities is. So, I am in massive pout and feel like a failure mode and I want to be a human burrito and watch Netflix.
LUCKILY, I have a few friends. A gaggle of goddesses who valiantly (although ever so calmly) come to my rescue, even though the fact of the matter is, they’re busy and, in my opinion, too fucking good for me even when I am not being a needy basket case. You know who you are as I write this. So, thank you.
I’ve seen a bit, been around, and have collected some incredibly sage and useful advice over the 41 years on this planet.
I know that I should trust but verify, yet I rush headlong into believing people, because I want to. I know that patience, persistence, planning and passion are a winning formula. I only really actively observe one, and very occasionally two of these things and should have learned decades ago to stop being so reactive and impulsive, but the “let’s push the button and see what happens” impulse has been the source of far too much magic to abandon completely.
And, I know, that time will vilify and vindicate people and their intentions and character. The SHOCKINGLY painful book of Job in the bible was my first recollection of this testament to patience and fortitude, but it really doesn’t have a happy ending and is basically the same story as that 1980’s movie with Dan Ackroyd and Eddie Murphy called Trading Places. Basically two very powerful beings start posturing and make a bet and fuck many, many, many lives as a result. It is literally my least favourite book in the bible and a HUGE reason why I am agnostic now, but it taught me, at around the age of 6, that shit is going to happen and keep happening, and all we as mere mortals can do is roll and stick to our core.
What’s your core? Where does your compass point? What direction are you heading?
You know what, I think maybe my whole reason for being is merely to serve as a very loud warning to others, and to make people think/feel “well… at least I am not as fucked up as my friend Dee!” and you know what, I am doing such a stellar job of fulfilling that role, that maybe I ought to stop taking disappointment, embarrassment and self-loathing so seriously, and just be the complete cringe cottage I am, and allow people to dwell and bask in my radiant facepalm glow for as long as they can handle and not take it personally when they’ve had enough and need to fuck off completely or just need a break. I’m a lot.
The heartache of today will pass, and the utter cunt that the universe can be sometimes, well it will unfold and clearly show me the important lesson and I can choose to ignore it, or I can grow from it. The exact same formula (in deeply complicated and confusing permutations) pertains to every other mother fucker on the planet. Time is a great teacher and will teach you, and me, if we listen to it and let it.
See you soon Liza. I realise I have already warned you about the ugly cry, but it’ll be on your doorstep in the next couple of hours. Love you and your non judgemental and super dark humour since that very first time we met so many years ago. You’re too fucking good for me. And I can’t wait to say thank you in person.
Richard and Sarah, thanks for bringing me back to life today and being actual good, clever, tolerant, and terrific people. Robert, thank you for letting me cry on you and I am so excited about seeing Cynthia and Lynne after such a long time between visits.
And HAYLEY!!! You’re amazing. You work your ass off, and you always face struggle with a smile. Slow the fuck down and pat yourself on the back you pathological over achiever. And don’t worry about me. We will take our bite at altering the course of history in its entirety soon, but right now, please just breathe.
Thanks for reading.