The Internet is full of clickbait lists and “hacks” to help humans who are busy chasing dopamine while the proclivity to happiness evades them.

Happiness still often evades me. I feel pretty sad and powerless a reasonable amount of the time, but that’s really not a huge problem imho. That’s the condition we are all in.

I can, however, say with confidence that this stage of my life is by far the happiest and most peaceful I have had the pleasure of living through.  A lot of terrific and terrible things have happened to, and because of my-silly-little-learning-self and my choices and the chances I have been given or made.

Feeling decidedly comfortable being home but absolutely champing at the bit to keep moving and planning and researching to decide what the future looks like for us.  My trauma left me in a pretty constant state of flight or fawn and I don’t feel like fawning or placating anyone anymore, so fly I must.  I will always touch down long enough to check in with some of my special people.  Never really know what that looks like or how long it will be between connecting.  And that’s okay.

We returned to Aotearoa from Japan last week and the beautiful home we rent is clean, the bags are unpacked, and everyone in the family is doing things they need to or make them happy.  Jamie is tucked up in bed after a huge day out running errands together. Steph is at work, Daniel is recovering from some kind of man-flu (not covid), River is hanging with his cousins and friends, Damon is visiting his daughter and having a swim in the warm summer ocean over on the shore.  And my asshole cat is in the yard being an asshole and soon he will thump loudly down the hall with his three legs and jump into bed and fall asleep next to me.  

The farm (our newest and my personally most rewarding venture) has been well-managed with three lovely capable witchy women employed to manage turn overs and ensure guests are greeted with clean sheets and enough marshmallows to roast on a crackling fire.  I am very pleased and very proud of the people who manage and contribute to that growing venture, and reminded that I am not capable nor interested in overly ambitious projects or any level of HR.  People are beautiful and complicated and generally and genuinely I don’t understand them.

Nor, do I care to.  I am not here to understand people.  I thought perhaps I was at one time.  And then, I tried very hard to connect and consider people and their motivations and meaning every chance I had.  That ended disastrously.  

I think, perhaps, I am here to live the next part of my life in peace and occasionally write something down that someone somewhere might find useful, comforting or perhaps confronting enough to consider change if change is called for.  Not my place to say or assume.  

Maybe, though, really all I need to do, is just be.  And of course, as I hope will be printed on my epitaph if I am given one… try in earnest not to be a cunt.

I do not have a any particuilar secrets to share on how any other person can get to the comfortable state of not giving a fuck, yet still feeling genuinely grateful and engaged.  I know that my own road to this place was fucked right up in innumerable ways, and if I were given the choice to make the same choices all again I am not certain which ones I would change.

But I can offer you some observations.  I’ll even make a list:

1. True Love means trial, error, gratitude and actually being with someone who cares as much if not more about your happiness than their own and vice versa; I don’t know that any of us are guaranteed this opportunity.  Nothing ventured nothing gained
2. You are already a miracle

Regardless of your spiritual or scientific leanings, the likelihood of you being here is incomprehensibly small, it is worth reminding yourself of that in both the good and bad bits.

• Gratitude is like a fertile chestnut that will grow into a mighty oak

A thank you goes a long, long way.  Withholding or denying yourself or others genuine gratitude does not go un-noticed.  The amazing thing about gratitude, like kindness, is that it doesn’t actually cost you anything to share or honour, yet will pay off in multiples.

• If you care to have good friends be one – be the friend you most need for yourself!
• Everything and nothing actually matters – Butterfly effect, physics, spirituality… cause and effect.  Everything we do affects and effects things we see and do not see.  Yet the infiniteness of the cosmos kinda embraces and swallows us all up, no matter what we do.  So drop pebbles of kindness and curiosity into the pond of the infinite universe and let those beautiful ripples radiate.  No need to risk actively engaging with negative, destructive or ingnorant ripples.  Nope nope nope.  I reckon there’s some serious consequences for actively engaging in badness, even if I have no way of quantifying or confirming it, it feels really real.
• Laugh – don’t underestimate the power of a whole being belly laugh to move things around.
• Ask questions – you know the saying, you won’t know if you don’t ask
• Do it – sometimes it’s best to act first and think later – but check your gut first on this one
• Say it, someone else is probably holding the same thought or question and will appreciate your having the courage to speak their thoughts
• No is a full sentence that shouldn’t need any explanation
• You can’t necessarily control anything but how you handle things after the fact will be what people most remember, you will never truly know the power of your reactions… see number 5 it’s kinda vibe-ing on the same frequency as this observation 
• Be kind to yourself – yes I struggle with this one too but at least try to notice also even the small kindnesses you may pay to yourself
• No need to be kind to everyone but avoid being an asshole (don’t be a cunt)

I ended on that note because it is the mantra that is cross-stitched and framed in our guest bathroom.  A very confronting and divisive word, but powerful.  Also ended on the 13^th point cause it is a pretty great number in my opinion.  

Thanks for reading.  Have a lovely rest of the week.

XXOO